Post # 31
futuremrsdubbya : Thank you for this perspective! I think because I haven’t been with someone since early / mid 20s I’m not sure what it feels like at this age when you get with someone who is on the same page, feels the same, and is mature and committed. Like, how fast do things move? How soon do you know? It seems like a lot of people that I know at this age things move pretty fast when they meet someone. It’s good to hear that wanting that and thinking that might happen isn’t unrealistic, even though I really question whether it will ever happen. I think a lot of my question is just, what should it feel like? What should be happening after six months if you want something serious?
And to those who said I seem kind of like I’m just with him because he is nice and fits my requirements, he does, but I am really into him – just not sure I’m in love with him, and I think it’s because he can be difficult to emotionally connect with sometimes. I do think if he didn’t have such difficulty sharing his feelings I would be there. I guess right now it just doesn’t feel secure, if that makes sense – which is part of the problem.
Post # 32
I think its clear he’s not planning any deep future with you. He’s just passing the time in the meanwhile, but keep his options open. Now that you know that, act accordingly. Doesn’t sound like you both want the same things.
Post # 33
lurkerwithquestions : Last weekend, at an anniversary dinner that he planned (unprompted by me), he told me that he feels like I want more time and attention than he is ready for.
Since you both went into this relationship with the understanding that you were looking for something serious, it sounds like he’s telling you all you need to know right here. Could he eventually get there…maybe. But it doesn’t sound to me like he’s on the same page as you are right now. And it doesn’t sound like you should wait around for that to happen. On to the next.
Post # 34
Let him go, Bee. With this guy, you’ll always be wanting more than he has to give. He’s repeating the same dynamic he had in his last relationship and will likely do it again in the next.
The first two months he was doing all of the chasing because he was infatuated. You’re reading way too much into that.
He’s telling you, in his own way, that this is as far as he can go. He set a boundary on his time and attention and basically told you that if you need more than that, the off ramp is that way.
’Sick of looking’ is not a good reason to hang on to a relationship in which your needs are not being met. Not finding anyone you like via online dating or in person is a completely separate issue from your barely-there relationship with your quasi beau. Don’t hide from all of the hassles of dating by clinging to something that clearly isn’t going to work for you in the long run.
Post # 35
This guy is sending you clear messages, but he’s expecting you to read between the lines a little bit as well.
What he’s saying is that he can imagine a future in which he gets married and has children, but his “not there yet” comments really mean that he’s currently not able to see himself doing that “with you.”
I suspect that he’s not directly saying that, because, in the absence of having those feelings about anyone ELSE now, and not being particularly driven to pursue that at this point in his life, he’s more than happy to keep spending two nights a week with a woman who is OK with doing that even though he isn’t even in love with her.
I know that, in 2018, there are plenty of people out there who would be perfectly fine with such an arrangement. I am not one of them, and it sounds as if, deep down, you’re not one of them either. What is holding you back from being able to see that this guy is deeply committed to keeping all of his options open for as long as he can is your willingness to compromise what you truly want in the long run for what you have now.
I honestly do not see this situation changing in your favor at any point in the future. Please do not become one of the stories we see here all the time that start with “We’ve been together for six years, but he still won’t commit …” when your goal is to find a committed relationship that results in marriage and children.
Post # 36
It’s not a matter of finding someone on the same page right out of the gate. You want to be with someone who can have open conversations about the state of your relationship even when you’re not on the same page. The important thing is that while you may not be completely in sync, he doesn’t close any doors.
Post # 37
lurkerwithquestions : break up. 6 months is enough to know whether you want to get serious with someone (I’m not saying he should want to marry you, but that should be something he could possibly imagine). You’re not kids. If he doesn’t see it yet, it’s not going to happen.
Post # 38
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
The beginning of relationships should be easy and fun. Not leave you wondering where things are going.
Bye boy! Find someone who wants to commit and wants to talk about your future 🙂
Post # 39
i’m in the camp of, if he’s into you, you will know. there will be absolutely no question, no game playing, no maybes, etc.
i met my husband when i was 30 (he was 33). i was a little wishy washy in the beginning. but he was very sure i was the one. by 8ish months we knew marriage was our future.
Post # 40
lurkerwithquestions : I would say it should feel natural and that what you are looking for as an indicator of where the relationship is going is progression.
Here is what progression looks like when its working and he is interested. ( this is if he is your boyfriend)
– At first he wants to see you 1-2 times a week. A few months go by and now you see him 4-5 times a week. It continues to escalate from there. Soon its assumed you spend weekends together without you even really having to specify. 8+ months in you are saying I love you and maybe talking about moving in at some point.
– At first he texted a few times a week, now its daily. 6 months in he texts and calls at night if you aren’t seeing each other that day.
– First you meet a few friends, then his family, then you know all his friends and regularly meet with them to do couples things together.
– He starts saying We about stuff. Even stuff that doesn’t make sense. My current boyfriend will say things like, hey i we got our new AAA card in the mail! ( we don’t live together and we don’t have joint AAA accounts haha) but see? everything to him is a WE because he sees me as that integrated into his life. What is his is mine.
-He has no problems saying yes to a vacation with you a few months from now.
Progression in all areas is what you are looking for. Forward movement essentially. This means he is moving towards you and your relationship. The bad side of this is if there is no forward movement in at least most areas of your relationship. Things don’t have to progress rapidly necessarily but id say for me im at about 8 months and we are talking moving in together in November. Im going with him to his family vacation in august and he is coming home with me for Christmas and then we are going to hawaii with my parents. He should be excitedly moving towards you.
Guys are aware that the more they stick around and “comply” with your requests to make plans for a few months, meet your friends, meet your parents etc. If he goes along with that he knows he is telling you with his actions that he is IN. So if a guy is hesitatnt to make plans, meet your friends, have you meet his friends etc. in a reasonable amount of time it is because he doesn’t want to be telling you he is on board with the relationship.