(Closed) Should I break up with my Fiance over this?? Please help:(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I not be with my Fiance over what he says and is doing?

    Yes

    No

    May want to reconsider marrying him

  • Post # 62
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    View original reply
    @Syzygy88:  +1 

    Honestly, you don’t sound like you respect him.

    As for halfassed, someone with six figures saved up… that takes work.  I know how hard my Fiance work together on our savings, and it is not an easy thing. 

    As for that elusive “dream girl” or “dream guy”  psht.  They never exist.  You are with a human being, just as you are a human being.  Anyone who thinks that they are with the perfect individual for them is setting themselves up for failure.  Life is not always easy.  It helps if you respect the person you’re with and you’re willing to inspire them, not just nit pick at them.  Romantic love is not enough alone. 

    He email also sounded sincere, heartfelt and honest.  Being able to communicate in this way with each other is a great start.  If you’re both willing to put in that kind of work on your relationship then it might be worth working for.  If not, then it might not be.  You both have to want it.  I’m not sure if you do. 

    It takes two to tango.

    Post # 63
    Member
    3083 posts
    Sugar bee

    @BrideToBe14:  Right now with all this going on I would NO. Do not marry him.

    BUT i did select “reconsider”. I mean he kind of sounds like an asshole but being unemployed changes people. He said some kind of hurtful things that is going to be hard to overcome, i dont know that I could get over them.

    however, only you can decide what you want. If you can work through these things – great! But if he continues to have this attitude and say things like that then its time to go.

    Post # 64
    Member
    2113 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    @BrideToBe14:  after reading the email… I think you can bring up the idea of going to therapy or just have a long sit down conversation with him. You need to discuss them in full and in person. Why is this vis email? Are you in a long distance relationship?

    Post # 65
    Member
    2543 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I wouldn’t stay in that kind of relationship. It’s not what I’d choose for myself or my friends.

    Post # 66
    Member
    1646 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Hey OP. I’m going to be a bit blunt and a bit harsh but I’m giving you tough love because I’m of the camp that does NOT automatically tell people to dump someone if I see potential in a relationship

    i really think he’s just a bad communicator. My DH is not romantic at all and says some pretty heartless things, but his actions are amazing. How is your FI’s ACTIONS?

     

    There are some explanations for where he is at right now…

    1) he’s possibly depressed from being unemployed and this is HUGE for men. It really changes them. What they need from their women right now is support, support, respect, and not getting put down. Stop telling him what he did wrong (leaving hair all over the bathroom, not taking out the trash – nitpicky). Tell him what he is doing RIGHT! When my DH was unemployed (for nearly a YEAR! granted he was looking very hard every day), I realized that the best thing to do sometimes was to pretend he was still employed. Keep things positive. I don’t hear a lot of respect in your tone for him and of course that would make him resentful!

    2) I think both of you guys need to think what you need in a relationship and why you want to get married. To be honest, I don’t believe that a relationship / marriage means that you automatically make the other person happy. A good relationship requires work – LOTS of it – from both sides! You both need to make an effort when things get bad. I also highly recommend the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Gottman and Silver which further explores this topic that marriages / relationships aren’t about happiness necessarily, but about mutual respect, work, etc. Head over heels love? That’s just emotion that will wear out with time – in fact, I consider “head over heels love” more akin to the puppy love one would have in their first relationships. A real relationship is more like a partnership. I think both of you kind of have a more hollywood/romanticized view towards love that you can change the other person’s bad habits, and that one should be head over heels, and you’re so focused on the fact he said a “chance”. Look girl, your relationship is not going to get better on its own, and you’re not automatically going to be the “one” for each other. That stuff is in the movies. In real life, people are imperfect, broken, and come with all their quirks. Neither of you can change each other, but you do have to learn to accept each other. Stop focusing on the fact that he says “maybe someone else would make each other happier”. Again, that’s just him wondering, communicating badly. Instead, focus on the positives in his email. 

     

    3) tis the holiday season right now and I’ve coached a lot of people through a lot of job changes. Assuming your man does a white collar type job (since he has 6 figures of saving), the holidays are a BAD time to get a job. Everyone is busy crazy pushing through the end of the year. Wait until spring when job postings are back up

     

    4) Based on his sentiments that he is attracted to other girls, that is questionable. I guess we can be happy he’s honest, but I also think itwas just straight dumb immaturity that he said it. Also, the whole getting a rise out of another picture, I would forget it. Just sounds like it was a bad situation. 

    5) To men, Respect IS love. Telling a guy how much you respect him probably actually means a lot more than telling him you love him. You nagging him, and you being ambitious, is not helping. Respecting a man is not about being submissive – it’s about being the supportive person, the strength in his bones. I love the quote – behind every great man is a great woman – that great woman isn’t submissive, but she’s also not negative. I also highly recommend the book Love and Respect, but it’s a Christian based book and so if you’re non-Christian it might rub you the wrong way. But you have to understand that guys don’t receive love the same way women do.

    6) Based on his email to you, I actually thought it was a really positive email. He is admitting he doesn’t know how to communicate with headstrong people. He has self-esteem issues which is why he needs respect. He sounds depressed from being unemployed.  But the key thing is that he said “I know we can work”. The only difference separating relationships that stay together and those that don’t, is that both couples agree to work on the relationship. It sounds like your Fiance is willing to work. He HAS shortcomings no doubt. Are they enough to break up over it? I don’t think so. I think he’s immature, but at the same time, you’ve been disrespecting him and talking down to him, so you both are in the “catch22” he refers to. Again, don’t expect to “find” happiness on its own – it HAS to come from you working on the relationship – going out on dates… outsourcing chores to someone else… not making him feel emasculated by constantly telling him how to do chores right… focusing on the positive in his personality. I think it’s GREAT that you’ve been helping him with his job search and his business, but you do say that you feel like he doesn’t appreciate it. Then stop! You don’t need to help him. Ultimately the man has to help himself. He will also have to be working on his communication issues and getting back on his feet and getting employed (btw, the average unemployment period is about 36 weeks – 7 months! according to the BLS for the US). AND he needs to lay off about talking about the ex and other girls and learn to LOVE you better. It’s a two-way street.

    Hope this is helpful! I really, REALLY want to encourage you and say that I think there’s a reason you guys got together, I see something in this relationship, and while there are rough edges, there can be growth.

     

     

     

    Post # 67
    Member
    215 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2005

    View original reply
    @BrideToBe14: 

    First, It sounds to me like he is trying to blame you for all the issues you both have been having. I mean saying things like he just does not do well with headstrong people. I mean he really is not taking any responsibility for his part in everything. He is blaming everything on you and his current job-less situation. How can he expect to change anything if he won’t even admit to having anything to change? 

    Second, I don’t like that he brings up his ex constantly. I mean if it were me who was constantly being compared to an ex I would not be able to take it. I would feel like a consulation prize, and no one should have to feel like that. 

    You know him, while none of us on here do, do you feel like he can change? Do you feel like he truly wants to make this work? or (as others have said) do you feel like he is trying to push you into breaking up with him? 

    I know it’s a hard situation and again I’m sorry you’re going through it 🙁 

    Post # 68
    Member
    894 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @BrideToBe14:  is he depressed? is he afraid that he’d be unable to find other jobs? is he lashing out at you?

    because otherwise, if this is him being completely happy with himself, then that’s not the kind of guy you should be staying with.

    Post # 69
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    IMO, yes he is being lazy, but you never want to get into the “nagging” range. That’s a turn off for any guy, no matter how in love he is. Plus there are ways to support and encourage without pushing someone to the limit of almost belittling them. If he was a no-good moocher, I would understand your frustration, but he does have money saved.

    i think this is 50/50 and no, I don’t think you should break up, this is a perfect opportunity to learn what works and what doesn’t in arguments/encouraging him/him accepting who you are/etc.

    good luck!! 🙂

    Post # 70
    Member
    285 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    I also think you might not have written this unless you realized, deep down, that this man is not treating you well. Why would you put up with this? Granted, I am not sure how you “treated him” but the things he is saying are hurtful and selfish (even he admits this about them). He sounds immature as well. That said, you are placing too much emphasis in this in *his* feelings – what about yours? You said in your post that you are independant and confident, but you seem to be worrying a lot about him and not enough about you. The real question is: Is this the man you want to be married to?

    Post # 71
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    If you have to ask you already know the answer. Honestly it sounds like you both treat each other badly.This is a toxic situation, clearly you guys aren’t ready to be married or even in a relationship for that point.

     

    Post # 72
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I’m a little surprised at all of the “dump him!” posts. I can maybe see postponing the wedding until you’re in a better place, but breaking up seems like a nuclear reaction to something that (as I see it) is an attempt at emotional honesty from your husband. It’s messy, sure, but life is messy.

    1) A marriage IS a partnership.

    2) Your fiance sounds depressed. 

    3) It is pretty much impossible to be “madly in love” with someone (in a healthy way, not an obsessive way) when one is depressed.

    3a) It is pretty much impossible to be kind and affectionate when one is depressed.

    3b) It is pretty much impossible to look for jobs when one is depressed and one does not have a strong and enthusiastic and loving support system. (I could go on and on and on with this, but if he is depressed what he needs more than anything else is COMPASSION and LOVE and he’s not going to be able to be kind and loving and productive all the time. Are you ok with that? If not, do both of you a favor and break things off now. Seriously.)

    4) The shape of love changes over time. How long have you been together? A lot of relationships do settle into a comfortable, partnership-style type of love after years of being together. Passionate love has an ebb and a flow to it, and there may be exceptions to this, but in general I don’t think it’s realistic to expect to be madly in love with each other all the time for the rest of your lives. 

    5) Showing your fiance a steamy picture of a hot naked woman and then judging him for his very normal biological reaction is HORRIBLE. There’s no way around this. Heterosexual men will be attracted to hot women. Period. You basically passively aggressively laid a trap for him and then shamed him when he reacted as a normal heterosexual man. That is not ok. If you are worried that he’s not attracted to you anymore, or if you are upset that he’s not as intimate with you as you’d like, you need to learn to talk openly and honestly about your feelings.

    6) Even if your fiance is not depressed, he saved up SIX FIGURES (which, omg, I’d be happy to have five figures in my bank account right now) in a job which I’m guessing took a ton out of hiim. People play video games for 4 hours a day WHILE carrying on full time jobs all the time. I don’t see the harm in him wanting to take some time to decompress before jumping back into the rat race. Obviously there’s more to it than that, but I just wanted to put that into perspective.

    7) He was wrong to bring up his ex. People say stupid things sometimes. It sucks, but unless you two are not able to work through the underlying problem (that he’s unhappy and using your relationship as a scapegoat for his unhappiness), it is not a relationship-ending comment.

    8) You both need to learn to communicate better. If you are to remain in this relationship, couple’s therapy is a must. 

    9) Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you respect your fiance all that much. That’s fine, but that, more than his behavior, is an indication to me that maybe you shouldn’t be getting married. 

    I don’t normally say things like this, but you are on the precipice of “for better or for worse” with this man. You’re getting a preview of what the “for worse” might look like. Are you still interested in marrying him? I say this without any moral judgment, but if not, then you should probably cut your losses and leave. If you are, then I do believe based on what you’ve written of the situation that you can salvage your relationship with some therapy, adjusted expectations, and a whole lot of communication.

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