(Closed) Should I bring up marriage again or just keep waiting?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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purpleviolet:  As a former waiting too-damn-long bee, I can’t help but wonder if your man just intends to kick the can as far as he can in order to put off getting married. When there is an absolute, tangible goal like finishing school or when the child losses her first tooth, that’s one thing. But an open-ended goal with no real finish line in sight is a red flag. What difference will a courthouse wedding make to your financial goals? Not much. Besides, that wasn’t a factor in sharing a home or making a baby. If anything marriage should be a benefit. i don’t know about the UK but here in the states, my married coworkers saw a nice jump in their paycheck due to tax status changes after marriage. If you lay your ducks in a row and he’s still hemming and hawing, then you have to ask yourself a very important question:

Are you willing to give up marriage to continue your relationship with him or are you willing to give him up in order to pursue a chance at marriage with someone else? Once you decide, stick to it and go for it with all your heart. 

Post # 17
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

After the amount of time you both have spent together I think a talk is definitely in order of marriage is something you want. 

Post # 18
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

If you’ve explicitly told him you don’t want an expensive wedding and he’s still saying finances are an issue, then he’s stalling. But that was a year ago, it certainly couldn’t hurt to reiterate your point. Put it back on what is important to you, and not what he’s NOT doing and it’ll likely be a more productive discussion. I statements work. At least then you can feel like you’ve done your due diligence. 

Post # 19
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

If you guys have a kid and a mortgage, where does he think this Magical Wedding Fund money is going to come from? I’m sorry honey, but it sounds like he’s just putting you off- especially when you’d be fine with a nice simple registry wedding. If it’s important to him for his parents to be there, you could all go out for dinner afterward.

Post # 21
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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purpleviolet:  A decade together, a child & a mortgage- and you’re worried you might be pressuring him? Seriously sweetie, value yourself more than that. 

Post # 22
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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purpleviolet:  You have a child together and marriage is scary? You can always get a divorce, you can’t unmake a child?

Post # 23
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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purpleviolet:  Don’t make excuses for him.  He made it clear that he is not ready for marriage, the idea scares him and he certainly isn’t planning to get married to you.  If you don’t want to wait another year, then stop waiting around for him and move on.

Post # 24
Member
5018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

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purpleviolet:  I’d ask him what he expects to change with marriage?  What is he actually scared of?

Post # 26
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wtf. Why do some women put themselves in these positions and then expect pity? Seriously it chaps my ass. 

OP, how can you even look at this piece of carp who tells you marriage is scary for him – when you’ve lived together for a decade and have a 6 year old? It’s time to wake the eff up.

I don’t feel sorry for you in the least. You made some stupid choices and they’ve brought you to this point. But it’s never too late to get smart.

Post # 27
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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doberman:  +1,000

Post # 29
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

I would definitely bring it up again.

As PPs have mentioned, you have been together for a long time and have a child – the time for the big romantic gesture proposal has passed.

Tell your partner that the time for marriage has come and set a date.

Post # 30
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee

I would tell him you don’t want to wait and save up for a big wedding, etc., and that you just want to make things official for the sake of the family you’ve built with him. If he keeps putting it off or finding excuses not to do it, there’s your answer — he doesn’t want to marry you and never will. In that event, see a family lawyer even if you’re not planning on breaking up with him right now so you can ensure your daughter is protected no matter what happens between you and him in the future.

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