- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2017
I signed up to WeddingBee because I am desperate for some advice!
I really, really need some advice on what to do here. I will try to condense this in a nutshell. My fiancé is in the military. He was previously married and had a baby, and when he came back from overseas on a deployment, his wife kicked him out and took the baby. Left him with thousands of dollars in debt. He had no choice but to move back in with his parents (more on that later). He had weekend visitations with his daughter for about a year and a half. I was his babysitter when one of his family members could no longer watch her. He works 2nd shift even on weekends (we only see each other 2 days a week). Somehow we ended up as a couple, and he proposed elaborately about 4 months into the relationship. We hardly ever saw each other, and when we did, I would have to come to his house and stay the night and spend his days off there, because his parents would not “allow” him to leave or even hang out at my house. (He is 26 years old). We have only been on a few *true* dates, and even when we go, we are called every 15 mins by his parents wanting to know when we will be back because he has to clean her house (she refuses to clean her own house, because since she works she believes she has earned the right to not have to). We cannot even go to Walmart without permission or even if we do, we will be called telling us to return. His parents basically tell him his every move, and as time has gone by, it seems he is just a puppet on a string for them. I literally throw up every time I have to go over to his (or should I say his parents) house to see him. His mother (she’s not even his REAL mom either) and sister have treated me so badly, and every time I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me “This is history repeating”, because apparently his ex-wife went thru this same thing. (I want to tell him, “well then, maybe it’s true then!” but I didn’t). While he’s working, if his parents try to call me for whatever reason and I do not answer, it is WWIII. I feel like I am under a dictatorship. These people rule my life. I hate that if I want to see him I have to go to their house. What’s bad also is just when he gets mad enough at them that he’s at the point where “he’s moving out asap!”, it all blows over and he’s hunky-dory with them again. Sometimes I wonder if he really even does want to move out! He is treated like crap and shown no respect at all – why would someone want to stay in that situation….?
Recently, he was granted custody of the little girl after a bitter battle. Now, guess who has been thrown the responsibility of the little girl? Me. Which I would not mind if we had our own place, and I had a say-so in where I could or couldn’t go with her. But I have to “report” so-to-speak back at his parents early every evening to care for the child and get her ready for bed. I am not allowed to leave until she is asleep. His mother listens to the baby monitor until my fiancé comes in from work about 1:30am. She has complained numerous times on having to listen for her (mind you, the child is almost 4). I do not understand why it is necessary for me to be there of an evening if his parents are there, especially since they are the ones who so desperately wanted custody of the child with them to get revenge on his ex. I hate that when I have to watch her, it has to be at their home, even on my weekends. And they make me feel like I have no clue how to care for a child. I have babysat in the past for 2 DFS workers; child care is not a new concept for me. I have never felt so used in my life.
Also, a few months after our engagement, things got where he would only check in on me once or twice a week. And this would be with a quick text. It seems to me if you love someone, they are on your mind more often….especially someone who you intend to spend the rest of your life with. We just live 5 mins from each other. It got to the point where we would spend those two days together, and then I would literally have to shut myself off emotionally and pretend he didn’t exist in order to get thru not hearing hide-nor-hair from him until those two days. It was awful. Then recently I find out he has been getting up close and personal with a girl from work. (only after his mom took his phone and was rummaging thru his text messages did she find about this). It really hurt because just 2 weeks before I had asked him to be honest with me, was there anyone else. He looked me in the eye and told me no. He swears he’s done and has deleted her number and says he knows he messed up and doesn’t want to hurt us. Since then, he has been doing a phenomenal job of calling and checking in. However, he is still letting his parents control him.
It has gotten to the point that I have taken off my ring because I get too embarrassed when someone asks when the wedding date is, and that they would like to give us a shower. Such sweet people with good intentions. I know everyone is smelling something fishy; we’ve been engaged almost a year and haven’t even set a wedding date yet. The wedding is a very taboo subject around his house. His parents refuse to let him move out with the child when we’re married. They insist we live with them. Hello? Isn’t that what people do when they get married? MOVE OUT and start a life of their OWN? And what’s bad is every time I mention a cute house that is for sale or rent, they act like I’ve just confessed to murdering orphans. I don’t know what to do now when people ask why there’s not a date. You know how bad that sounds that my 26 year old fiance’s parents won’t let him move out and start a family? How screwed up is that? I know it’s because they would be losing their free housekeeper, and they would lose their control over his life. I just don’t know what to. I’ve spend lots of money on wedding supplies and even a dress, with no wedding in site. And I REFUSE to get married unless I have a HOUSE of our own to go to.
So I guess what I am asking is, what should I do? Like I said, he has really straightened up since he nearly lost me over this girl-at-work thing. But I cannot take anymore of his family. My health has declined in the months since I’ve been with him, to the point I have daily migraines and constant diarrhea and vomiting. The fact that these people (his parents and family) are in my life makes me want to sit down and sob. I know no one has perfect inlaws, but I don’t think that it should be to the extent mine are where the control your every move and beat you down. I love this man more than anything, and I even gave my virginity to him. But I don’t know how much longer I can hang in there with this current situation with no end in sight. And am I in the wrong for feeling taken advantage of by babysitting? Someone PLEASE PLEASE help me…!!!!!!!!