(Closed) Should I call it quits? Someone please PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

OMG sweetie, I wont give advice but if it were me. I woud tell him that if he wants to marry me and have a future with me, he needs to cut the cord and get a place of your own. 

He is a very lucky guy to have someone like you.  I am not sure I would be able to handle controlling parents like that. I would think long and hard if this is the right thing for you. 

I really hope it works out for the best. 

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Just an aside piece of advice: You’ll have more luck with responses if you put some spaces between paragraphs. Walls of long text usually is a disincentive to read, since all the lines run together.

You have an hour to edit your post; You can add them in quickly.

Post # 5
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

Sorry, but my advice is RUN, don’t just walk, RUN away from this situation. This is not a healthy relationship at all, and I’m not even sure I completely understand it. You were his babysitter…you never went on any real dates…but after 4 months he proposed to you? Yet you are basically still his babysitter. You see him twice a week and other than that have no contact. You are at the beck and call of his family and he doesn’t seem to see a problem with that. This is affecting you so much that you are physically ill.

It sounds like you’re just a convenience to him. I’m sorry, but he’s not treating you the way you’d treat someone you were madly in love with and wanted to start a life with. If it were that important to him, he’d stand up to his parents and go out of his way to make you happy. He’s not making any attempt to do that, nor is he making any attempt to actively plan his life with you.

How many years do you wish to spend as his glorified babysitter under the thumb of his parents?

Post # 6
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh my lord that is a mess! Honestly I think you are being taken advantage of and put in a terrible position. If he didn’t change the situation with his parents for his wife what makes you think he is going to change it for you. Not trying to be mean at all, just saying that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Meanwhile he’s getting free babysitting and parents are now in control of your life. My advise and I NEVER say this to someone, is get out of the relationship. Do you really want to be tied to this family. Someday his parents will need to be taken care of and guess who that will be? Somewhere out there there is a guy waiting to meet you that will be a real partner to you and wouldn’t think to take advantage of you like that. You seem young and maybe just haven’t developed your own voice yet so let me please tell you that you don’t deserve this treatment and deserve and should expect so much more from someone your thinking of marring. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I struggled thru the huge BLOCK of text… but I got the whole story

I hate to tell you this… BUT HE IS USING YOU

You are the answer to the fact that his wife left him with the child.  He needed a Baby-sitter and you were it.  Then it figured that if he made you his GF, because of your good heart he wouldn’t have to pay for baby-sitting any longer.

4 months and then he proposes… sounds lovely, and I take it the Proposal was awesome.

BUT he wanted something… YOU.  Not to love so much, as to do him a BIG favour, be a replacement mother to his child when she isn’t with her real mom.

His extended family, is a whole other story… and obviously the reason that Wife # 1 had enough of the marriage and got out (think what it was like for her living under their roof 24/7 while he was deployed)

Now we come to the “checking out other women” situation, not treating you as his LOVED ONE, not going on Dates, not planning a Wedding Date etc.

More evidence that he is using you for his personal gain.

This is not a loving relationship… obviously from your post you know that, and are not feeling good about it or yourself.

Time to go.

I am sure you LOVE the child, so it will be hard to seperate and move on… but a child does not a family make… a ring does not a marriage make.

Sorry I don’t have better news to share… but it is the way I see things.  (( HUGS ))

Lol, after you are broken up for awhile… I’d be tempted to call up his Ex-Wife and see if she’ll join you for coffee to discuss his wacky parents, and the crazy life your BF offered you two women… bet you two could have a good gab session.  Who knows you might even become friends.

 

Post # 8
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You know the answer. Your body is telling you. Listen. 

Post # 9
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Time to have a talk with your FI.  If he won’t stand up to his parents and set boundaries now, he never will. 

It’s time for him to move out.  It’s time for him to set limits on how many phonecalls his parents can make, visits, etc.  If he can’t set the boundaries, you have your answer.  He is 26 and things haven’t changed- if they won’t change when you’re engaged, they absolutely won’t once you’re married. 

Also, it doesn’t sound like the two of you have spent much quality time together.  When FI and I were first dating, we talked about his parents a lot because they were controlling his life.  He realized that they weren’t normal, but he didn’t really just how not-normal they were (she would drive an hour to visit him and take his laundry home with her so that he would have to then go to her house to pick it up. his building had cheapo laundry).   Because we talked a lot, he was able to see the progression of my concerns and started setting the boundaries himself when he saw just how unreasonable things got.

What your FI and his parents are doing is 19040297451395671X worse than anyting my FI’s parents ever did.  Ever. Resolve these issues before stepping forward.

Post # 10
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t typically tell people to leave a relationship unless I feel strongly. Based off of what you said, you need to get out. A 26 year old man who isn’t “allowed” to do anything because his parents say so? Ridiculous. There’s no reason for him to be under their control and obviously its a problem the ex dealt with as well. Red Flag! It seems like he was emotionally cheating on you. Red Flag! He’s using you as free daycare and allowing you to fall into the weird parental control vortex. Red Flag! He doesn’t seem to make you a priority and he wasn’t even calling to check on you…that’s NOT NORMAL! Red Flag! It’s time to get out. And if you can’t do that, at the very least it’s time for him to make a decision, his parents or you. And then you get out. I’m sorry but I can’t even see how this situation could be fixed.

Post # 11
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@happykat77:  Agreed.

Listen, you know what the answer here is.  You’re here for validation, and we can give that to you.  There are all sorts of red flags waving here and you just need to see and admit them.

You need to ask yourself: are you willing to live as his wife under his parents’ roof and rules? Are you willing to relinquish control over your life, independence and freedom to them or face on-going drama and conflict? are you willing to have intrusive and controlling in-laws for the rest of your life? are you willing to marry a man who doesn’t see his parents’ behaviour as a problem? are you willing to marry a man who has already broken your trust by “getting up close and personal” with another woman?

Post # 12
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m not great with advice…but I loved this book called “Why men love bitches” (suggested by a relationship counselor) and it really helped me when I was in a relationship where I felt like I was being taken advantage of (and no, it is not saying to literally be a ‘bitch’): 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342478837&sr=8-1&keywords=why+men+love+bithces

Good luck with everything…and I hope you read the book! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Well like others said you should leave.  You sound young and if you are, you are too young to put up with crap like this.  Move on with your life, sell the wedding things you’ve bought, and if possible move from where you are, but then again if you are only 5 minutes away and hes not allowed to leave the house he might not come looking for you anyway.  And sadly I doubt he will come looking for you unless its for babysitting or getting the ring back.

You say you lost your virginity to him, is this also your first serious relationship?  Let us tell you now that your situation is not normal and most people who are in serious relationship spend more time together (quality time) or check up text call on other days when they cant see each other.  How do you know you can spend your life and all your time with someone who hardly hear from and see now.  From what I can tell you have a better relationship with his child than with him.   Leaving the first serious relationship is hard but everyone survives it (except those lucky few who seem to mate for life).  Not only that but this guy has already messed around on you or whatever he did with that girl, and it was his mother who discovered it and told you?  Move on, enjoy being single and getting time to yourself back and eventually you will find someone worth your time.

Post # 15
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@AnAppleA_Day:  +1

Men who don’t stand up to their controlling parents are not good as a life partner. If this is your situation now, imagine how it will be 10 years from now. It seems like he didn’t learn from the mistakes of his past relationship; it’s a warning that things won’t change.

Post # 16
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Short answer: Leave now.  Run.  

Long answer:

Here are the red flags I’m seeing:

Red Flag #1: YOU’RE SICK.  You’re ill, your health has declined.  Any situation that has you so stressed it’s making you unhealthy is a sign something’s seriously wrong.

 

Red Flag #2: He’s letting his parents call the shots.  And it’s happened before.  He’s making no moves to change this.

 

Red Flag #3: You don’t really know each other.  You’ve only been on a few dates and only see each other twice a week.  

 

Red Flag #4: You’re a free babysitter with benefits.  Not his cherished fiancee.

 

Red Flag #5: Inappropriate relationship with his coworker.  He’s probably already cheated with her.  And if he hasn’t, he has disrespected your relationship by his behavior.

 

Red Flag #6: He proposed after 4 months.  Now this in itself isn’t always bad, but given Flags 1-5, your fiancee doesn’t sound like a guy who’ll propose because he’s mature and ready to start on a lifetime together.

 

Red Flag #7: You’re letting both him and his parents do this to you.  They can’t do this to you without your consent.  They’re all using you.

 

You sound like a nice person, and this is a tough situation made harder by the fact that you love him.  But my advice would be to drop this tool, take care of yourself so you feel happy and whole, and someday you’ll be in a much better relationship that you’ll deserve.

 

The topic ‘Should I call it quits? Someone please PLEASE HELP ME!!!!’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors