(Closed) Should I call of the wedding because he can't stand up to his mother?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4088 posts
Honey bee

Sweetcece:  You haven’t given him a chance to address the things she said to you. He said he’d address it. Do you not trust him to? You mentioned it may take 6 months if she doesn’t answer his calls, but that’s not his fault. If he’s making the attempt to contact her and clear the air, then her lack of responsiveness isn’t his fault. 

Also, regardless of the type of person she is, that’s his mother. You can’t really expect him to not acknowledge her on holidays and special occasions. 

Just my two cents. 

Also wanted to add, I’m not at all condoning her behavior. She sounds like a nutcase. 

Post # 3
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Fiance has a similar relationship with his dad. He still tries, and I respect him for that even though his dad is very disrespectful to him. He takes the high road, and always has his bases covered (sends birthday and Father’s Day cards) even though he rarely receives acknowledgement for it. From what you’ve disclosed, his mother was not right for how she spoke to you, but she is his mother, and he can have the relationship with her that he chooses. You don’t have much contact with her, and neither does he apparently. I think if this situation has you questioning whether you love him or just feel sorry for him, there has to be more to his character that is turning you off. 

Post # 4
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

Is his Mom really the only problem in your relationship or are there things you haven’t mentioned here? You said you’re not sure if you still love and respect him, which makes me think that maybe you should not marry this man. Doubts even before getting married shouldn’t be ignored. If your doubts are too big, don’t go through with this!

 

About his Mom, she does sound crazy and toxic and your fiance would be better off cutting her out of his life. BUT it is HIS decision, she is his Mom, and I do understand him. Even if a parent treats you like crap, it is extremly hard to cut them out of your life, or even just standing up to them. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt her. Or maybe he’s afraid of her in a way, because he still has a lot of respect for her because she’s his Mom. Or maybe you don’t know the whole story and she has had mental issues for many years, and he’s afraid he will only make it worse if he starts a drama. I would definitely recommend you to let him handle this the way HE wants. She’s HIS Mom, not yours. Try to stay out of it, and offer advice when needed. You on the other side don’t have to accept the way she talked to you. If she ever talks to you again in a disrespectfu way, tell her that you do not want to speak to someone who obviously doesn’t respect you, and hang up. If you love your fiance and this is the only problem in this relationship, I don’t think it’s worth it to throw everything away over this.

Post # 5
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Are you really willing to let a crazy woman who lives in another state and barely ever has contact with you ruin your relationship?

 

Post # 6
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sweetcece:  Does he ever see her? It sounds like no (sorry if I missed it in the post, I skimmed a little) so I would just tell him “If you choose to have a relationship with her that’s your business, but I’m not. I don’t plan to ever speak to her again. If that’s a problem, we need to discuss it now because I will not let anyone treat me like that.” … Although, you say you’ve lost respect for him and in my opinion, that’s a relationship killer. I strongly believe that respect is at least as important as love, maybe moreso. IF you want to keep trying, I would refuse to ever speak to his mom again. There’s no reason to. You don’t owe her anything, especially if that’s how she plans to treat you.

Post # 7
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You’re right. He should absolutely be defending you to his mom, immediately. That doesn’t mean he has to cut her out of his life or be disrespectful to her, but he needs to tell her that she’s wrong about you and she can’t treat you that way. 

As for whether to go through with the wedding: only you know. It sounds like his mom is not a huge part of his life, so hopefully these interactions would be few and far between, but the fact that you say you’re not sure if you love him or just feel sorry for him tells me there’s something pretty deep going on here. I’d listen to your gut.

Post # 9
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

Wow. I think you were wrong to snap at your fiancé like that, although I totally understand why – you’d just been thrown for a huge loop by an emotionally toxic person and had to basically just take it.

she sounds very emotionally abusive, and I am sure that’s been devastating for him, but it doesn’t sound like she’s a part of his life at all. The gift sending is minor and you should support and respect his choices. If you empower him and stand by him, you’ll make it easier for him to set boundaries with her. But the problem is her, not him. You can manage her together.

Post # 10
Member
4088 posts
Honey bee

Sweetcece:  I would encourage him to go to counseling to overcome his self esteem issues stemming from his mothers lack of approval. He could definitely benefit from it. 

As far as leaving him over this, assuming there is no more to the story than what you’ve already shared, I personally would not leave my Fiance over this. I’d encourage him to go to counseling for his issues and I would be by his side. That’s what relationships are about. Being there for each other. Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Sweetcece:  I went through a similar situation with my FI’s mom. I have a ton of posts on it and feel free to PM me with any questions or anything. 

Basically, it was killing our relationship because he wouldn’t stand up to his mom, who was manipulative, cruel, and yeah, pretty darn crazy. It was more constant than your situation though because we actually live like 30 minutes from her and she works close to our home. 

In the end, Fiance went to therapy, had a licensed psychologist tell him “if someone can’t be on board with your decisions, then they can’t be on board with you” (his mom was, among many other things, ripping apart all of our wedding plans and acting unhappy that he chose me even after 4 years of me trying hard to have a relationship with her), and he cut her out of his life entirely. 

I don’t know if that is the best solution here, and it can only come from your Fiance, who doesn’t seem interested in cutting her out. 

HOWEVER, my main reason for replying is that you need to clarify that with him ASAP. He acknowledges how horrible she is, never sees her in person, and most importantly still has not given her any indication of being invited to a wedding happening in only 3-4 months. And yet he continues to let her pop into his life to harass and insult people? You need to clarify if he wants her around or not. If not, he needs to let her know. If yes, he needs to be consistent. It’s not fair for you to be in this position of not wanting to deal with her but you have to be the one to push him to communicate with her? Nope. 

Post # 12
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sweetcece:  As someone who has been and still is in similar shoes, I would not call off the wedding. (You could call off the big shindig and have something more your style if you want – but I don’t think this is a relationship deal-breaker.) I say this because my Fiance deals with his narcissistic mother is a similar way…..he just doesn’t address it. She stays in a corner of his mind that he doesn’t think about or stress over or let interfere with his daily life. He hasn’t really encouraged me being in a close relationship with her because he has a lifetime of experience saying she’s toxic and manipulative (and very crazy). I try anyways and always get hurt at some point or another. Would cutting her out of your life completely be an option? Does he want a relationship with her? If he doesn’t, an invite to the wedding isn’t even necessary. From what you’re saying, your Fiance sounds like he just deals with irrational people like his mom in very passive ways, but it doesn’t sound like he is letting her roll all over him. He said he would handle the situation….and that is as simple as a short and to-the-point email of “I overheard the conversation you had with Sweetcece and was very disturbed. If you ever speak to her in that way again, I will need to distance myself from you completely.” Crazy, irrational, manipulative people like her are never going to respond well to a huge confrontation or take any kind of suggestion on how to better themselves or their relationship with you. Ugh….believe me, I completely understand the frustration. Keep yourselves out of the stress and don’t let it interfere with your lives. Keep in close touch with his extended family and remind yourself that people love and support you – and don’t let the crazy nutcase come between you and your Fiance.

Post # 14
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sweetcece:  Omg, the kid fear is something I completely have too. Mother-In-Law is the type of person who I know would take every opportunity to turn our kids against us just for some inherent need to “get even with us for putting her through parent/child struggles”. Not to mention the actual emotional abuse on the child that I’d be worried sick about. Luckily, Fiance understands and has the same concerns, but it was not easy getting him there. I’m the same way as you – I never understood why he wouldn’t immediately confront and address situations when they come up, because that’s what I naturally felt was the best course of action. He always wanted to wait until later to let things cool off (later would never happen if I didn’t push him). There are some situations where immediate confrontation was most effective and other situations where ignoring her was most effective. It takes practice and you definitely don’t get it right every time. Fiance and I are now on the same page about dealing with him mom, but it tooks lots of conversations that he was never really in the mood to have. But the conversations that PPs mentioned are super important to make time for, and being a team in however you guys choose to handle Crazy Lady is the best thing you can do. Best of luck!!

Post # 15
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Sweetcece:  The period between me getting tired of the abuse (on me and watching it take a toll on him – I’m talking panicked all the time and a mess) and him cutting her out was aaaaaawful. It was the worst. I wasn’t even sure we’d make it through, and I felt like crap every day for being pushy. But I knew it was the only way we had a chance because at that point our relationship was hanging on by a thread, or at least it felt that way sometimes. His mom was so present that it was all we talked about and we fought every day. So I decided to be pushy to save us and to save him from abuse, but it really sucked. I totally get not wanting to be the one who pushes someone to do something. You have to decide if it’s necessary for him to get help. He may not be able to see it. 

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