- 4 years ago
Hi bees, I really need your help here. I am so confused right now and feel like after 4 years of dating I have no idea whether I should stay with my fiance. We WERE planning to marry on 10/17/15. I was finally getting excited and warming to the idea of a big shindig like he wanted, but two words have now dampened those plans…his mother.
I don’t know his mother very well as she lives in TX and I live in TN. She doesn’t really visit and he doesn’t visit her. He doesn’t spend holidays with her and as far as I know she’s never invited him to spend the holidays. They don’t talk much b/c during the entire time that I’ve known him there has always been drama. For example: his Mom will go months (almost a year) and not return his calls or call him b/c she is “mad at him.” Most of the time it is over something petty like he forgot to send flowers on Mother’s Day. When my fiance moved to San Antonio in October, he spoke to her on his way down. All I heard was one side of a very short conversation and then he put the phone down. Apparently she hung up on him after he told her about the move and she called him immature for keeping his home in TN while he tried out his new TX job for a few trials months. He told me that she said he was “stupid” for not selling his home and moving all together b/c there is way more opportunity in TX than TN. She got mad at him a few Christmases ago b/c we went out of town before sending her Christmas gift in the mail. Stupd. Stupd. Stupid. He is an only child and I swear that I don’t believe his Mom really loves him like a mother should love a child. She only loves him when he does things for her, does what she wants, the way that she wants, and when she wants. This past Mother’s Day he sent flowers and never received a call thanking him for the flowers. He had to call his stepdad to make sure they arrived b/c she never picks up her phone when he calls. Big disfunction!
I’ve managed to try to stay out of it these 4 years and to just support him and his efforts to love his Mom the best way he can. His family knows about this and tells him to not worry about her, live his life, and just take care of him and I. I visit with his extended family over holidays and they seem genuinely happy about the wedding. Well, things changed yesterday when I talked to her. We have only spoken a few times before and were planning a trip to see her this weekend. I only supported it b/c he wanted to go, but with work and school commitments this past week he decided to cancel the trip b/c he is exhausted. Plus, we would have driven 5 hours each way to visit and only had 3 hours to spend with her in person.
I told him to wait until his class ended and we would try again later this summer, before the wedding. He called his Mom to tell her and she asked to speak with me. The first words out of her mouth – Why have I not tried to reach out to her in order to get to know her since I am marrying her son? She said it made her suspicious that I was hiding something and that she thought it crazy that any woman would marry a man withuot knowing his mother. She said that she has never seen this before and said that if I was a woman of God then certainly I should want to do things in decency and order and this was out of order. She then asked what I did for a living and when I told her she said I should remain humble and not get too high and mighty or think I should be on a pedastal. She said she felt in her heart that her son was lying and making an excuse for not visiting this weekend and that any marriage built upon a lie would not stand. I immediately defended my fiance and said I don’t know him to be a liar and that in my experience he has great character. She asked if I was close to my family and said she couldn’t believe that I was if I would marry someone without knowing their family. She said she needed to look at me in my eyes and get a read on who I was as a person b/f she could be happy about this union. She said some other stuff and tried to accuse me of not telling the truth on some things – ALL IN OUR FIRST REAL CONVERSATION. She kept saying she wanted to get to know me, but of course I didn’t feel the sincerity. [I could not make this up.]
I got off the phone and talked to him. I was angry b/c I told him early in this process that I wanted to involve his mom and he never gave me her information, etc. I asked him to send her a save the date and he still hasn’t. I finally told him that is terrified of his mom. I told him that his mom is crazy and yes, I used those words. I told him that his mom is manipulative and that she wants control. I am not one to take this lightly b/c of my own struggles to learn to stand up to my parents who have been like bullies in the past. I still struggle in this issue, but after years of prayer, counseling and lots of tears I am much better at standing up for myself. The thought of choosing to marry a man with these types of issues who to me is afraid of his mom is terrifying to me.
I told him that his fear of his mom has caused him to just sweep her into a corner in order to avoid confrontation and now she is coming at me like a roaring lian and I don’t do well with confrontation – I WILL SHUT IT DOWN. I tried to be polite and didn’t tell her everything that I was thinking, but it took a lot of self control. I feel like rather than deal with his mom or stand up to her as an adult he will always just bow to her whims, keep making attempts at getting her to love and accept him and will expect me to do the same. I know that is his mom and I don’t want him to wipe her out of his life completely, but she is a toxic person and I feel by keeping silent or by making attempts like he has in the past he is participating in her toxicity. I NOW KNOW that he didn’t want us to interact b/c he was afraid of things like this, but my thought is to deal with the person, tell them your truth and tell them to take it or leave it. I don’t know if I can marry a man that seems to cower and avoid rather than confront someone, especially his mother.
He said he would handle it and “the next time he talks to her” would explain some things to her. Welllllllll, that might be 6 months from now if she doesn’t answer his calls. I think he should do more and yet I don’t want to be the bad guy here and “force him” to stand up to his mom b/c as another woman that is a losing battle. I told him that I think his mom is out of line and that only he can put her in line b/c she doesn’t respect him nor me as an adult. He agrees, but says that he can’t just stop calling his mom or honoring her on certain days because she is his mom. His definition of honoring is calling sometimes even if she doesn’t answer or hangs up the phone, sending gifts on Christmas and Mother’s Day, etc. I think its toxic and I told him that if someone feels comfortable talking to me, a complete stranger this way, she is insane and needs to be dealt with like a crazy person. Should I just run from this vicious cycle? I don’t know if I love him or if I just feel sorry for him? I just don’t feel like I respect him anymore. Is that crazy? I know that parents can push your buttons so I’m trying not to judge him on this alone, but I am starting to question everything now.