(Closed) should I call of the wedding if he refuses to deal with his problems?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If you are not 100% happy getting married, i’d say that’s a damn good reason to put it on hold and wait. It has to be your decision to call it off, but your FI’s behavior sounds a lot like an ex boyfriend’s of mine. I dropped him pretty quick and was much happier in the long run. Is there another reason his attitude and lack of desire to help you around the house is suddenly surfacing? Maybe depression or something that can be treated? i personally would not be a happy camper if i was in your situation, either. At least you have started counseling, it’s a step in the right direction. I say you wait until things smooth out a little bit. I hate to say it, but sometimes hindsight is 20/20 and you want things to get better before you get married. I’m sure lots of people will say things contradicting my opinion, but the fact that you are already considering calling off the wedding says something to me. I wish you luck, I can only imagine how difficult of a sitaution you are in pulling in all the bread and working all those hours and not having a whole lot of help at home. you can only take so much before you spread yourself too thin, also!

 PS the anger issues concern me greatly. I know people fight, but there is a point that verbal anger can easily turn into physical anger. Be careful! 

Post # 4
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If you are having doubts serious enough to prompt you to post this question, then I think the answer is yes- you have to postpone until things are worked out.

Are you happy right now?  You say you love him, but are you happy?  Are you ready to spend the rest of your life like this?  Do you want to have children?  If he won’t clean up after the cats or cook a meal, do you think he’ll help with child rearing?

If you were my best friend I would tell you to call it off entirely or postpone it and give the couples counseling a chance.  If counseling works, your relationship improves and you are in a relationship that you would be happy with for the rest of your life, then start planning again.

I think you know the answer to this question in your heart and you are just here to hear that you’re making the right choice.  Trust your gut instincts.  Postpone.

Sorry you’re going through this.  I’m wishing you the best.

Post # 5
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with ejs4y8.  I think it sounds like you are not thrilled to be marrying him, then it may not be the right choice.  It does sound like he has a lot of issues currently and the anger is definitely a red flag!  Have you sat down and talked with him directly about what’s going on?  Could he be depressed?  I know sitting at home looking for a job can be extremely frustrating especially if nothing is coming out of it.  I would try and find out the source of his troubles, and maybe even suggest counseling.

Post # 6
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yikes, this is a tough situation and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I think it is great that the two of you have started couple counselling… it definitely seems like a step in the right direction and will help you get to the root of your problems.

It definitely seems like there are a multitude of things on his mind… maybe he should start some individual counseling as well? I’m not sure… but it definitely seems like there are deeper issues and you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for it.

Again, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Big hugs!!

Post # 7
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

SOOOOOOO Sorry to hear you are going through all this.  I have to say though that first off I would definetly put the wedding on hold for a while.  I think yes that you need to get these things worked out before you jump into a marriage with him.  I know it is hard when you love someone.

   I was married once before to a man prity similar and ended up divorced because eventually the anger gets worse and each time the yelling gets worse and in a lot of cases gets viloent like mine did.  If a man can’t take responsibility for his actions and man up as you put it to his problems then he is not ready to have someone else in his life.  you are going to need him and he isn’t going to be there.  Believe me I went through all the same feelings as you right now and I just wish I wouldn’t have married him and look now I have the best fiance in the world and is very very supportive and we have a relationship TOGETHER.  It is not one sided and that seems to be how your relationship is.

  I am glad to hear you are doing the counseling you never know.  But definetly hold off on the wedding for a while and truly truly you deserve to have a man that wants to love you and cherish you and support you.  One who will put as much into the relationship as you do.  Just remember that you are a very special person and you deserve someone to be good to you.

   I am always here if you need to vent or just need a non biased opinion:)  I hope this helps and I will say a prayer:)

Post # 8
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I completely agree with ejs4y8’s post. if your gut is getting you to consider calling off the wedding, then that says something! If anything, you’ll definitely want to put your wedding on hold. Continue to go through counseling and see how that progresses. If nothing changes in your FI’s attitude, then I would think there is definitely something wrong. Like ejs said, he may also be dealing with depression or some other condition, and it has to be hard on him to have no job and being unable to help in supporting your household. Hurt pride can definitely be playing a role in his actions and attitude. But definitely be careful with his anger issues. He may not hit you, but if he is hurting you emotionally and verbally, that can be just as detrimental to your psychological and emotional health.

Post # 9
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

HUGS!!!

I dont want to be a downer, but I am going to go a step further and suggest you call off the wedding for now.  Counseling and postponing are great ideas…except I am scared for you.  I have been in a situation very similar to yours.  He only screamed at me and got angry.  He never hit me, until one day he did.  Unchecked anger escalates…ALWAYS.  What about when you guys start a family?  I grew up in a house with a lot of screaming and unhappy people…trust me on this baby girl.  GET OUT!

I recently read an article in newsweek that discussed the rise in domestic abuse with the decline in the economy.  Im not sure what it was titled, but please, look it up.  Can you imagine how he would react if, after working 13 hours, he came home to a dirty house and you expected him to cook dinner? 

A man who loves you will never make you feel bad about yourself.  He will never make you feel like you have to compromise your own happiness for his self esteem.  A man who loves you doesnt scare you.  You deserve so much better than this.  Do you have a brother?  Does your daddy know that he is treating you this way?  All I can offer you is my most sincere concern and hope that you know your own worth…

Post # 10
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I just have to say that everyone on here has it right!!!  I am glad you were brave enough to post this.  You are a very brave person and very strong.  You just need to know you are worth it!!!!

Post # 11
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with ACountryCowgirl.  Very brave of you to come and seek outside input.  I wish you all the best, please let us know how it turns out.

Post # 12
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Anger is such a powerful emotion (unfortunately not a positive one).  It is possible that he is clinically depressed or have anxiety issues even especially with the trials and tribulations he is experiencing (as well as you) with the not so pleasant economic situation.  Finding a job right now is tough and losing a job is tough, but this is not an excuse!  It sounds like you have become his scape goat which is not good for either of you…

While it is nice to see that you are both attending counseling, it sounds like it may take quite a bit of time to solve this issue.  IMO the relationship is unhealthy and volatile as it currently stands and I doubt either of you want to marry in such a situation. I think it wise to post-pone the wedding until you are both comfortable with the relationship which will allow you to better cope with other demanding "life test".

Just remember you have a supportive network here at wedding bee should you ever need to vent or need advice.  Best of luck!

Post # 13
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

There is only one question you need to ask yourself to give you the answer you need:

 Can I live with this, like this, for the rest of my life?  

 Do you want to live with this for the rest of your life?  Because you can’t change a person.  As much as we would all like to be the one that changes a man from the way he is to the way he should ideally be.  And we can’t "save" or make someone else’s life better.  Only they can do that. 

I’ve been in your boat so I understand and have walked in your shoes.  At 20, I started a relationship with a 25 year old musician.  Everybody loved him and he had a fabulous personality.  After 5 years, he asked me to marry him.  We rarely fought and he had no anger management issues, but I pretty much supported the both of us and he rarely worked (his "art/music" was his work…strumming a guitar on a sofa all day) and he smoke pot ALOT and I didn’t.  He would NOT stop no matter what ultimatums I gave him. I just didn’t want that in my life.  So I asked myself "Do I want to live with this, like this, for the rest of my life?" The answer was "No".  No question about it.  I imagined having children with this man and him sneaking off to the car in the garage to smoke a joint.  Or having to leave them alone with someone who was stoned, no matter how wonderful he was.  Sorry, but I made choices in my life and I chose NOT to smoke pot or do drugs.  Why should I live with the repurcussions of his choices when I didn’t make those choices?

Anyway, I called the wedding off.  It was extremely difficult.  I felt guilty about it for a long time.  And I may have even moved 3,000 miles across country to get away from our shared friends, the questions and having to bump into him. (Everybody was floored by our break up, confused, felt sorry for him, tried to get us back together.)  But, now, I’m getting married to a wonderful man who shares the same ideals in life that I do.  Who wants the same things and equally share our responsibilities.  And I can sit here, 8 years later, and say that I made the right choice.  There’s a reason I didn’t marry him. 

You may not see your reason right now, but you will later.  Do what’s right for you.

Post # 14
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

This must be so, so tough for you. Tough for you to even write this post. You are very brave for having done so. That said, this relationship sounds toxic as it is right now.

You really need to go with your gut on this one. Personal counseling (for you only) can help you figure out what your gut is saying if you can’t do it on your own. It is a highly recommended practice to use personal counseling as an augment for couple’s counseling, so please consider visiting the counselor by yourself in addition to with him. He should do the same (go without you).

If your gut is telling you that you can’t live like this, then I think your instinct to postpone the wedding is the right one. I would go one step further to say what no one else is saying though: I think that if you decide you can’t be in this relationship in a married sense, and that his behavior is due to character and not circumstance, then you should break up and move out. It’s one thing to be in a cohabitating relationship with someone because you’re not yet ready for marriage or because you don’t believe in marriage, but quite another to be in a cohabitating relationship with someone who you know you can’t marry, at least in their present state. Marriage is not going to change him. And postponing the marriage isn’t going to change him either. Canceling the wedding and continuing to cohabit as you are won’t change him either. Only he can change himself. You have to decide whether you want to wait around while and if he does that. Whether you marry him or not won’t have much of an impact on that process, if he does it at all.

We all have awful life circumstances thrown at us, and how we deal with them shows the type of person we are. He may be dealing with depression, as someone else mentioned, or he may just be incapable of taking responsibility. One way to take responsibility would be for him to seek treatment for his depression, if that’s what he’s experiencing. So it’s a good start that he’s come to couple’s counseling with you. It’s not uncommon to have negative reactions to it like he did; change is hard, but he’s making the effort and that’s more than many people can say they have. Give it some time. I would talk with your counselor about doing individual sessions for both of you as well to get more to the heart of things. Let us know how things transpire, and good luck and lots of hugs to you.

Post # 15
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You have some great advice here. And good for you for reaching out in a safe way. Too many women think all domestic discord is their own fault, and are ashamed to display anything but perfection in public.

Keep in mind that during stressful times, everyone has doubts. What I would do is save your post, with the advice, in a place where it won’t be seen by others. In a week, come back to it, and see if it rings just as true. If you need to, come back a week after that. If it still feels as true when you are angry as when you are calm, postpone or cancel.

Post # 16
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I say this honestly and with a lot of concern for you:

DTMFA

I think you know that’s what you need to do, and I am worried that this situation could escalate to abuse.

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