Post # 1
I am writing to get a little bit of support and advice… My parents have been married for decades so the example I have of marriage is certainly a great one. I come from a family of many sisters and I am the youngest of which I am the 2nd to get married. My oldest sister has been married for 12 years. I do not have many friends, 2 good ones who I can call in any situation. Saying this to say, with my engagement being on the rocks I do not know exactly where to turn. I know that most people say go with your gut and if it does not feel right or if you are second guessing it, then you are probably right and it is better to end an engagement than to have a divorce. I do not want to tell my parents some of the horrible things my fiance and I have gone through over the last few months because I know that they will never ever accept him again if I was to still be friends with him. I just want to make sure that my heart is set on breaking this off with him before I vent to my family and friends about our situation. We moved in together about two months ago (my mom did not want us to do so until marriage however she came to grips with it). Lets just say these past few months have been HELL!! When they say your mom knows best they really are not telling a lie! I wish I would have listened to my mom. She questioned whether I really knew him for him, and I guess I didnt. His true personality has come out. He has become demanding, is verbally abusive sometimes, acts like a child (he is 25), comes home when he wants, treats me like his kid, frequently gets drunk. This is just some of it. On the flip side, he cooks, he cleans, he does everything around the house, I rarely have to do anything. I am familiar with abuse, however. I know that it is a cycle. Your mean then your nice. I am just afaid that this is how our future will play out. I am already feeling depressed and I know why. I left my moms house and left my mom, dad, and a puppy 🙁 who I miss very much. He tells me that I need to grow up because I tell him that he is disrespectful when he calls me out my name and I tell him that my dad would never treat my mom that way. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he did not grow up with both parents but that is still no way to treat your fiance and future wife. We have been together for 3 year but if we cannot survive 2 months in the same household how will we survive 2years or 20? We just placed the deposit on the venue for our wedding. I had second thoughts about doing so but he promised everthing would be okay. Its not. And we are still having issues. I am concerned about being humiliated when I tell all my friends and family that the engagement has been called off but I guess I should be more concerned about my sanity. =(
Post # 3
I know that you must be anxious and scared right now, but I am going to be totally honest with you – you deserve that. You should really think about how happy you would be if you were treated this way for the rest of your marriage/life. The truth is that if he’s acting like this now, he’s sending you a signal. This is how he views committed relationships. If you feel that he is disrespectful to you and that you could not be happy living this life for the next 10, 15, or 20 years then you already know what you need to do. Best wishes!
Post # 4
@inevakay: OMG! I’m so glad you just posted this. A friend of mine was going through the same thing years ago and thank god got out. I would get out while you can and trust me your friends and family will understand. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt and you already know in your heart of hearts what is right. Sounds like he isnt ready for anything and needs to work and love himself before he is truly ready to enter into marriage. Good luck and its better to break it off before the wedding or else you are looking at alot of money to get out of it. Do what your gutt is telling you. My girlfriend met her soul mate a few years later and they now have 2 kids….very happy!
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you are in this place!
Part of being grown up is doing the hard stuff. What you propose, move back to your parents’ place and call off your wedding is danged HARD!
You are right to put the brakes on this. How long have you been having these thoughts about cancelling? If it’s been a while, it’s time to make your plan, gather your stuff, and leave.
One thing I would urge you to do is to not chatter about all of the problems you and Boyfriend or Best Friend had– It’s enough to say “We aren’t compatible.”
It is a brave woman who admits a mistake and acts to recify it. I suspect you will have more people showing you support for this than you now know. And, it’s possible that most of them think he’s not ready to marry. But sure there will be things said about you–so what? People are gonna talk about you no matter what you do. That I’ve learned.
Post # 6
You know what the right thing to do is. It will be okay. You will get through calling it off. It is better than living UNhappily ever after. (Hugs)
Post # 7
You know what you need to do. It’s not easy, but you will get through it. Remember that it’s better to back out now then end up married to a guy like that. People who love you will agree with that and will support for standing up for yourself. Good luck!
Post # 8
@Megs78: I thank u for ur post & taking the time out to reply. U just really don’t know how much it means to have the support from others even if it is to hear what others have done in situations like this. It gives me hope to know that your friend has found love again and all I can do is hope & pray that when the time is right I am blessed to find my soulmat. Once again, I thank u for your advice and I wish you all the best! Thank you!
Post # 9
@Miss Country Chick: I do thank u for your reply and taking the time out to respond. It really has been a big help. This is def my biggest struggle, trying to realize if this is how I want to be treated the rest of my life/marriage. I know that it is not, so I have to figure out what I would like to do next. As everyone is saying, it will not be easy but I have to do it! Again, I thank you for reading my post & giving me your feedback. I do appreciate it!!
Post # 10
Sounds like I don’t have to tell you to leave, but you should probably hear that worrying about if your parents will be ok with him after is not important. If you’re leaving because he treats you this way, who the hell needs him as a friend anyhow?
Post # 11
It sounds like there are many good qualities that your fiance possesses. However, it sounds like he has a rough side that may or may not be a good fit for you.
There are girls in the world who don’t care what time their husband gets home–and heck, maybe be out getting hammered with him the entire night. And the verbal abuse? Some of the fiesty girls may sass back.
Does this sound like you?
If not, you may have to come to the realization that there are plenty of guys out there who possess the same great qualities he has. Cooks, cleans, probably has a good sense of humor, a person you can share stories with, etc… A person that is the better fit for you.
But if you have doubts, it’s time to put on the brakes. Perhaps couples counseling? He may not be self aware of what he’s doing. Perhaps delaying the wedding? Maybe he just needs some growth. It sounds like you guys are a young couple. The last thing you want to do is rush into a mess.
Losing a deposit on a venue is a lot cheaper than a divorce and everything that goes along with it. Not to mention the heartache!
Don’t worry about being embarassed if you do decide to delay the wedding, move out or even break up for good. EVERYONE knows how difficult it is to find the right person for you. All your response needs to be is, “I thougt he was the one, but after some time, I realized he’s not.” …Everyone will get that. Everyone.
I agree. Follow your gut.
Post # 12
Sounds like you need to leave. It won’t get better, situations like that always get worse. If he changed that much for the worse by just moving in imagine once your married? He will be a monster to you. I am glad you have a good example of marriage from your parents. I feel like a lot of girl who put up with being verbaly abused or unhealthy relationionships dont have that so they don’t know what a healthy marriage looks like. This is even more reason you should know in your heart that you deserve better. Don’t be embarrassed about calling off a wedding. It happens and everyone will be proud of you for getting out then settling for a miserable life. Move back in with your parents asap. Cut off ties and start over.
Post # 13
@evlpc: I really do thank you for your advice. It is such a big help. U just really don’t know how hard this is for me. But with some support and prayer I know that I can and will get through it. What is meant to be will be. I know that he has some growing up to do and sometimes it just seems that he wants me to hurt. That is not a relationship or marriage that I want to be in. I thank you for advice and time. Best of luck to you also!
Post # 14
Sounds like your gut has already told you, you just need to find the lady balls to listen. Good luck honey!
Post # 15
I understand what you are going through and its better to get out early than to go through the hurt and pain for many years to come (based on what you have told me about your relationship). There’s only one question you need to ask yourself. Do you think you will be happy with your fiance for the rest of your life? If you have doubts before you marry him it’s going to get harder to leave him once you guys are married and possibly have children in the future. Also, do you think he will treat you this way in front of your children?
Do what you feel is right. You won’t regret your decision if you follow your heart. Don’t let other’s pressure you. It’s your life so make a decision that you are comfortable with.
Post # 16
@kay_thunderbird: thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. I do appreciate it…. I do also agree with u that it is best to make the decision to leave now. He has been disrespectful to me not just when we are together but also when we are around others so I am heavily convinced that he will disrespect in front of our children if we ever had them. Not to mention that he has a kid and he disrespects me in the prescence of her. I know this is terrible and I know what I need to do. Now it’s just a matter of getting myself together to actually do it. Thank you for reading my post and thank you for your time!