- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2017
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years (since high school). Weve been through a lot, we did 4 years long disatnce and have now lived together for 4 years. We have so much fun together, hes my best friend and I know he cares about me. Theres just one problem. His parents. He has always been more loyal to them than to me. I always told him this bothered me and he told me it was because we werent married, so until then, his family was his priority. Well, now that we are engaged it feels like they are still always his number one.
It started the day after we got engaged. His parents wanted the wedding to be kosher, so my Fiance told me we should consider it. Key details: 1. no one except one distant cousin keeps kosher outside the house (they just want it because their other son has a dairy allergy) 2. Kosher is almost double the cost of normal food 3. our venues are now more limited. I tried to be open minded at first, but i couldnt rationalize having to choose a venue and pay double for something that absolutely no one except for his parents cared about. It was zero value add. So I started to fight on it and say that I dont think it makes sense and that there should be a way to compromise. Whether its offering a kosher meal to those who want (which would be one cousin and the brother) or making it Kosher style… which is the same thing as kosher without the rabbi observing in the kitchen. Well that just wasnt good enough. After a lot of fighting about the cost of the kosher catering and how it makes no sense, his parents offered to pay for it. Great, problem solved right? not exactly.
Well now it was time to find a venue. My Fiance and I are getting married in our hometown and we live about 4 hours away in NYC, so my parents scoped out a ton of venues and narrowed it down to 10 places they wanted to show us. We came down for the weekend where my parents drove us to each venue and gave us the low down on each place. We spent about 7 hours looking/driving to each site. By the end, my Fiance and I were both in agreement on one venue that we both loved. So I told him we should reach out to his parents to check it out. Well it turns out his parents were SO OFFENDED that they werent invited to see ALL the venues. But having 6 ppl driving for 7 hours and finding parking for two cars wouldve been actually ridiculous. That was why we wanted to narrow it down first.
Ultimately, i scheduled a meeting to take my FI’s mom to go see the venue (his dad was too busy). She loved it and we proceeded. The venue was a beautiful hotel who (at a high premium) would allow us to rent out the ballroom and bring in the outside caterer. The only thing was that there was a capacity limit of 170 people. But I had drafted up my list and my parents list (each of which was about 75) and thought that his parents would be allotted 50 people since they have barely any family, with only one aunt and two first cousins, and the rest being second or more distant cousins. Was it my fault to assume that allotted number, yes. Had I asked for their guest list before signing the venue, yes but did not receive one. Did everyone know about this 170 capacity limit, yes.
Well a few months go by and its time for me to send the save the dates, and i still dont have a list. Finally, my Fiance fesses up and tells me hes had a list for awhile but was too scared to tell me because their list had 97 PEOPLE!!! He assures me that this was not the final list and that his dad hadnt looked at it yet. I said ok, well tell him to give us an updated list so I can send save the dates, and he said, well how many people can they invite? How many are your parents going to invite? And i said, well i dont think my parents list is the standard because i have 19 first cousins and 10 aunts and uncles and 3 living grandparents alone (and we wanted to invite some great aunts/uncles and 2<sup>nd</sup> cousins). So we have a lot of family to invite, but they have invited 12 additional couples (all of who ive known growing up). So i said, invite family and then about 15 couples? Thats when all hell broke loose. Because they are now paying for the food (not alcohol) which is about $40k and the rehearsal dinner ($5k), they are essentially paying for almost half the wedding, and my parents are paying for the other half ($65k), they want the same amount of guests as my parents… even though I have a larger family and my parents are planning the entire wedding. Whats irritating is that I showed her this venue, she knew the 170 capacity and never brought up that her list had 97 people on it… did she really expect that they would be allowed to invite 97 people? Ultimately my parents said they would be willing to cut their list to help alleviate the issues (everyone could invite 67 people, with the assumption that 57 will attend). Keep in mind, the costs that my FI’s parents are paying for, are for something none of us wanted, so in reality, theyre really contributing $25k because we don’t consider the $20k premium for kosher to be part of the budget. Well my FIs parents were pissed, they said while they have a lot of ppl that they dont think will come so they should get more invites. I said send me your list and how many you expect to come, so she sends me her list… and it has 87 people on it, and she said she thinks 61-65 people will come. I said, well thats an issue bc only 57 can come. I then proceed to look at their list… it has cousins ive never even heard of before (which is funny since weve been together for 10 years), his fathers entire law firm of 30 people, his tailor, and a couple they met on a cruise last year who live in Canada…. So moral of the story is, neither of us know who the hell and of these people are and I don’t really want to have to meet 50 new people at my wedding that I will never see again. So now im extremely upset because they are treating this like it’s a corporate affair. Meanwhile, I am having to uninvite first cousins and family friends who ive known my entire life to accommodate his parents list. So my parents end up calling them and saying, the kids wanted this to be a more family and friends affair, can you respect those wishes. And they start yelling at my parents saying 1. That we shoudlnt have been picked a venue with a capacity limit and 2. that they’ve already told EVERYONE about the wedding and it would be embarrassing if they then didn’t invite them… well that’s not our fault. We never sent save the dates or okayed their list… Well after all that, they finally got their number to 71 but refuse to tell us how many of those they expect to come.
All of these issues could’ve been avoided if my Fiance had just told them that they were being ridiculous and that it was unfair that I would have to cut people I care about because they want to invite their tailor… but the problem is my Fiance is taking their side. His view is that this wedding isn’t really about us, and that its about the parents and that we are just the guests of honor. That they should feel comfortable at our wedding and if that means inviting his whole law firm, then so be it… this is shocking to me and I don’t think he truly agrees with it but hes way too scared to stand up to his parents and tell them no. He thinks that im being rude and ungrateful by not allowing them to have equal number of guests because they have been so generous to contribute for the kosher. Now you may be thinking $45k is a lot of money, you should be grateful. Well to put it into perspective, the dress that my FI’s mom picked out for the wedding costs twice as much as my wedding dress. So they just throw money out the window.
The final straw was, I call my Fiance mom because I wanted to get details on the rehearsal dinner because im ordering invitations. She goes, well I haven’t planned it. So now im upset because the one thing they were in charge of, and they haven’t done it… my Fiance ended up doing all the coordination for the Kosher caterer… She then has the nerve on this same call to ask that I put their names on the invitations. I said, yes of course, it will says my parents name invite you to the marriage of their daughter to FI;s name, son of XX. She said, no that’s not what I want. I want it to say both parents names on the first line. In my head im thinking, you won on the kosher, you won on the guest list, you haven’t even done your two responsibilities that were assigned to u, I want have just this one thing… so I said, well I don’t think that’s appropriate given that my parents have planned this entire wedding. She says ok, and that was it. I got off the phone feeling really good… until I get home. My fiancé starts yelling at me that his dad called and was so angry about what I said… and that they’ve been excluded from everything and its not their fault that they haven’t planned anything. So again, my fiancé is taking their side. We fight over this for a few weeks, until finally my parents say fine, even though theyre so upset over it.
Overall, I just feel like his parents keep taking and taking and im worried that this is how our future is going to be. If my fiancé cant set boundaries with them now, how will we ever be able to handle raising our kids with their attitude. They have yelled at my parents on numerous occasions and frankly my parents never want to speak to them again after the wedding is done. This whole dynamic is so sad to me, because I wish everyone would just get along and I wish his parents were more easy going and did not always yell at everyone anytime something didn’t go their way. While calling off the wedding isn’t really because me and Fiance aren’t good for each other, im worried that him not standing up for me and choosing my side on anything will be a huge issue down the road. Please help.