Post # 31
Ahhh, the parents offering to pay trap. We almost had some drama with our guest list, so we ended up having our parents each give us an A-List (x amount of closest friends and family) and B-List (guests it would be nice to have). That way, we could kinda keep some power over the list while still being able to let them invite who they wanted. Sometimes I find it really hard to set boundaries with my family, but my Fiance is really good at it, so I typically work with him to come up with a solution to navigate family stuff so we can both be consistent in how we deal with our families. It isn’t always fun, but it does help solve a lot of “could be” problems.
If your Fiance doesn’t “cut the cord” now, it definitely will cause problems in your marriage, so that is something you guys should work out ASAP. My friend and her Darling Husband have the same issue, and it’s probably what 90% of their fights are about. So, +1 to what Sansa said, counseling might be a good way to help you guys work that out. As far as planning goes, I feel like you’ve either gotta elope or take matters completely into your own hands and either just host your own wedding without them contributing anything, or walk away and leave all the planning responsibility for them to figure out, because it’s impossible for you to get anything done.
Post # 32
I forgot to answer the main question. Bottom line, do you love this man? Can you imagine your life without him? There have been mistakes on all sides. Do you think Fiance is willing to learn from this experience? Do you think you are?
Post # 33
I can’t believe your Fiance said the wedding is about the parents and you’re just the guests of honor! That blows my mind. You definitely need to have a sit down conversation with your Fiance about the situation and boundaries in general before proceeding. It’s absolutely horrible when you’re trying to make a relationship work when there are more than two people in it.
Post # 34
I don’t think your Fiance would elope and cancel. If in the end you still want to be married to him, then I would just honestly give up. Let the parents do the wedding, all the last minute stuff… everything from here on out. It’s their wedding at this point, they paid for it, they’re controlling it. Just let it be known that you are over it and you’ll just be showing up in a dress and they can do whatever they want. I’m sure that’s not a mature approach but “fuck it” might be the best you can do this late in the game. Detach emotionally.
“mom dad Mother-In-Law Father-In-Law Fiance, this whole experience has been so negative and upsetting and I’m tired of fighting everyone. I’m sorry for my part in all of it. You guys just do whatever you want from here, I’ll show up in a dress, and then let’s just put this behind us”.
Post # 35
This is way too long to read. I gave up after the guest list. My concern is this wedding is about both sets of parents instead of you guys. They seem overly involved on both sides.
Post # 36
I think a lot of my expectations were based on some of my coworkers who are married. Im the first of my friends to get married so I haven’t really known what the protocol was. I always thought that it was assumed from a traditional standpoint that the brides family pays and hosts (assuming they can afford it, which my parents had saved money for the wedding). The only reason his parents are contributing is so that they get something that they want, which didn’t feel generous but rather manipulative.
Post # 37
Ya, if Fiance didn’t put his foot down at the tailor or all 30 employees being invited, he’s never going to put his foot down.
If you’re ok with that, go get married. If not- RUN!
Post # 38
knickergold : Yeah thats where im also having trouble. Some of the replies say that it shouldnt matter who they invite because theyre contributing money so its their right. But isnt unfair to invite all these strangers and expect me to go and talk to them during my day. The day is short enough, i dont want to have be meeting a bunch of people that my Fiance and I dont care about and dont care about us.
Post # 39
jhempstead : Your future husband sounds like a complete momma’s boy.
Expect your in-laws to be naming your future children and tagging along on your honeymoon too. (Maybe they’ll even pay for it.)
Post # 40
This sounds like a hot mess. But honestly, regardless of if they throw their money away it is still their money and they are giving you 45 THOUSAND dollars.
I would be livid if I was told there was a limit of 170 guests and am only allowed 20 because the other 150 are alloted to your parents and you and Fiance. It should be divided evenly because if you include the dinner they are hosting they are spending a min of 50k on your wedding.
I agree with the PPs your best bet is elope or postpone and have a wedding you and your Fiance can afford and pay for on your own. That way you can control it and plan how you want it.
Post # 41
Whoa this is way too much drama for one day. Plus that is a ton of money to spend. I guess it boils down to wanting to marry this man enough. Can you tell both sets of parents to keep their money and scale it way back to a small ceremony?
Post # 42
llevinso : +1
Everyone in this situation has made some questionable decision and haven’t behaved well.
OP your in-laws may have strong armed you into a kosher wedding but they are still hosting and are the parents of the man you love. It is clear you dislike them a lot. It sounds a lot like you are taking their money grudgingly but not wishing to acknowledge that they like your parents are hosting. You have included your parents in lots of the decision making and planning but have failed to consider/acknowledge that your in-laws should be afforded similar rights and consideration due to their financial contribution. In a perfect world financial contributions don’t come with strings attached but in the majority of cases in real world, they unfortunately do.
I actually don’t think it’s fair to say your fiancé picks his parents over you. I would never want my husband to pick my side if he genuinely did not agree with me. I would always hope he followed his beliefs and morals opposed to blind loyalty. My husband has on several occasions provided a much needed illuminating mirror to any conflict I may find myself in. I value honesty and integrity over blind loyalty in a relationship.
As for the invitation wording, according to wedding etiquette if both sets of parents are hosting then they both need to be acknowledged on the invite. Its as simple as that.
Your invite should read
(Brides parents name) along with (grooms parents name) invite you to celebrate the wedding of (brides name) to (grooms name)
The way you have decided to word it is basically saying ONLY your parents are hosting and are the ONLY ones contributing to the wedding. It’s basically according to custom and etiquette saying your In-laws haven’t given a dime towards the wedding. This isn’t true they have given a significant amount of money and your Mother-In-Law was trying to tell you that this was not only wrong and hurtful. Most people of their generation or those who have planned a wedding know the wedding invite etiquette. They would probably feel embarrassed around their people thinking that they didn’t contribute to their sons wedding when in actual fact they did. Your fiancé was right to say hang on that’s not right in this case and it buys into the whole blind loyalty in a relationship that I talked about before.
OP, you and Fiance need to talk this out in front of an impartial third party and take some responsibility for how things have turned out. You should both also rectify any wrong doings by fixing stuff and maybe even apologizing for hurt feelings. A wedding is one day but a marriage is a lifetime. All these people involved will become you legal family and it’s a long life if all these negative feelings are left to fester. They also have the ability to negatively affect a marriage in the future. I don’t think you need to call off the wedding but you do need to both be on the same page and fix all of this.
Post # 43
- Wedding: November 2015 - Ballroom
Your biggest problem is with your fiance and his unwillingness to be honest with you (he didn’t tell you when he knew their guest list was well over the “limit”) or put his foot down when his parents try to manipulate a situation and disrespect you. A wedding is one day, but his character will last a lifetime. This situation is fixable, but he needs to be a real partner to you, not just his parents’ son.
Post # 44
cmsgirl : Thanks for the advice and the tough love 🙂
I think part of it though is that i ask them to help me on the coorindation for the kosher and the rehearsal diner and they dont do it. And then they complain that they arent involved in anything. We have shown them the venue we liked, we showed them the band before we booked it, i sent them pictures of the bridesmaids dresses, I asked her if she had any recommendations for photographers, i called her before we registered to get her suggestions, i sent her pictures of the china we liked before we registered for it… I wanted her to be at my first dress fitting when we were getting along. Its not like we have just ignored them or been radio silent through the whole process, I have included them. But it is hard to want to involve them when they have such short tempers and never offer up a solution or a compromise to issues.
And my parents are paying $20k more than them… do they not have a right to be alloted more guests? Or is everything still 100% equal… Does my FI’s dad get to make a speech at the wedding?
Post # 45
Fiance and I are very newly engaged but already encountering the first signs of family pressures to do things a certain way. And we had a serious conversation just the two of us about how this wedding is our first introduction to the world and specifically our families as a united couple, who make our own decisions, together and without outside input. As you’ve mentioned, how will things play out when you two start a family? The dynamic will only get more difficult to change down the line. This is the precedent you’ll be setting for the rest of your lives together. It sounds very concerning to me that your Fiance has told you the wedding is not even about you two anyway. That would be a record scratch moment for me right there and I’d be seriously reconsidering where his loyalty and priorities are. He honestly probably doesn’t even know any other way to be because you have to remember he’s grown up with these parents his whole life. Money is a tricky thing like that with parents. It’s not even always intentional but when you accept that much help you’re forever indebted to follow their lead, because well, they bought your power from you. I stopped accepting monetary “gifts” from my parents just a few months ago because I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything and it’s been one of the most liberating decisions I’ve made for myself. I think it’s wise of you to stop and consider exactly what you’re signing up for by marrying this man. A conversation definitely needs to happen.