Should I call off my wedding?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
2334 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I feel you’re being incredibly selfish and self entitled considering others are paying for your wedding.

What is so bad about your FI’s family inviting those who they feel close to or GODFORBID making a speech? 

These are the people who raised the man you’re about to marry, who will be your new In Laws, and who are paying for nearly half the wedding and yet you begrudge them such small things…

It’s your Fiance who should be re-considering this wedding. Have you considered his feelings at all?

Post # 62
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

Innerdonught :  I thought the part about the FI’s father making a speech as if it were a bad thing was weird, too.  

Post # 64
Member
5556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

jhempstead :  

You’re not paying an extra $20k. His parents are.

The whole thing is a mess with possible boundary issues but you’re not respecting their massive monetary contribution. Just because your parents are doing $65k and his parents are “only” giving $45k (I mean, come on) doesn’t mean that they get more say, or even final say on what happens.

I’m not seeing any gratitude here, you should give them the money back because you don’t seem thankful at all, you’re treating it like a burden.

Post # 65
Member
2334 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

jhempstead :  It may be a no brainer to you but to them (who will soon be family) it’s important enough to pay $20K for, so I’d say it’s high on their list of priorities. 

Why would this be enough to call off your wedding? How will it really effect you on the day?

Post # 66
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

jhempstead :  I don’t want to sound judgemental, but I feel like loving parents will let you and your Fiance decide whatever the f*** you want. It’s your wedding. It’s your day. Both of you. If they want to make it about themselves, they can get their own vow renewal party and leave you both out of it.

I’m very sorry you are going through this. The people around you should be helping you solve problems, not creating more. 

Post # 67
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

jhempstead :  okay but you didn’t have to pay a 20k premium. They paid for it. The additional guests, kosher meal, invites, speeches… you assumed one thing (wrongly, according to all modern etiquette standards FYI) and obviously your FIs family assumed another. So what to do then?

What would have made your life easier would have been to accommodate their reasonable requests, rather than grandstand and choose the path of most resistance because your family “deserves” xyz while his family gets bottom billing because only 45k. 

I get that you’re upset that your wedding got away from you, but… obviously you wanted a fancier wedding that you can afford so yes, it comes with strings. Having a good relationship with your in laws is more important than having only your family get what they want…. you’re getting all this feedback and still just arguing that what they wanted is stupid. No respect or gratitude.

But honestly if your gut says to cancel it because you don’t want to marry him then do it.  

Post # 68
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I haven’t read everything yet, but I had a long term relationship with my ex who put his parents (mostly his mom) ahead of us and eventually our marriage. It was one thing when we were dating, but a whole other when we were married. He constantly put his mom ahead of me, and refused to cut those apron strings. it wasn’t fun. It needs to change beforehand. 

Post # 69
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee

notmeeither :  I agree with most of what you said, but I wouldn’t consider it “normal” to invite every last person, and that it is a gesture and they know not to attend. Perhaps that’s a regional difference, but my parents only invited the people they actually wanted there, and they did attend. Had they invited others just as a gesture I’m pretty sure nobody would know to turn the invite down. My budget was on the 100k mark too, with my parents paying considerably more than my ILs, so pretty apples & apples with OP. But as I said, that may be regional. 

But yes, they are all being brats. Money doesn’t buy class 😉 

Post # 70
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Wedding disaster aside, I think the real issue is that you are hoping your Fiance will change with marriage. That thought right there should be enough for you to call of or postpone your wedding. 

Your inlaws do sound terrible and you also seem to have added fire to the drama. But the main problem was, imho, that you and your Fiance are NOT working as a team.

Teamwork means discussing issues, communicating needs, solving problems together. It means making agreements, negotiating and comitting to whatever was decided. The fact that your Fiance didn’t tell you about the guest list rises so many questions, and his unwillingness to negotiate with you shows sone red flags.

After all, you are marrying him and his family. And by your post you don’t seem to be really happy with this idea. Please consider putting a stop to this fiasco and resolve the issuds you have with your partner before anything else.

For what its worth, our wedding was also funded by our parents (both with their own demands). We united as a team and discusses what We wanted, and then we faced our parents’ demands together. It was difficult but we succeed because we were both on the same page.

Post # 71
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

garnobella :  Every last person was a bit of a misrepresentation on my part, LOL.  OP’s comparison of it feeling like a corporate event was more similar. It wouldn’t be appropriate to invite a mailman, but people within work and other circles is pretty common.  If it were an event that invited outsiders, I would expect the budget and the guest list to be a bit higher. This seems like this is a case of two mid/moderate income families trying to make a really nice wedding for a couple and taking a bit TOO much pride in it and stirring the pot as consequence.  And who knows, a tailor is all up in your business both physically and gossip-wise so I can understand inviting him.  Definitely might be regional, but it is a thing.

Tailors shouldn’t outrank family, I can see why that would be hurtful. But, when OP accepted more than the 20k to cover the kosher costs, it sort of invited trouble. Fiance family may genuinely just be trying to “get their share” of guests after contributing, despite not having real family to invite.  That would be hurtful and make me angry as a bride. It seems like this was a case of an OP who really loved the idea of planning her wedding and being a bride and the offer for the additional money and initial compromise of allowing them to pay for the kosher fees seemed like a reasonable idea at the time.  Then Fiance family got their foot in the door and it all spiraled out of control. I would be so sad and frustrated if I were OP, but I would eventually realize that I was anticipating dominating the wedding planning/etc and not taking Fiance and his family into account as much as I could.

Post # 72
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Wow this sounds like a total cluster f***

Forgive me but $110k for a WEDDING! …… the $ concious thrifty girl in me just died a little…. and all u r doing is stressing out! That same amount could have given you a smaller more intimate  ceremony and a hefty deposited on a new home. JMO. Anyway-

You are correct this wedding has become a social/show off event for his parents

Your Fiance is showing you who wears the pants in your family (it’s his parents)

This will likely be amplified 10 fold or more when (if) you have children

You and your Fiance need to have a SERIOUS discussion and you need to think carefully about how you want to live and how much of this bat  shit you can take

Sometimes love is not enough….

 

 

 

Post # 73
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

jhempstead :  honestly.. it sounds like the only reason they wanted kosher was to control you. I don’t see their money as being generous in that particular circumstance. 

And I know I’ll get a lot of flack for saying that. Sorry bees! 

Post # 74
Member
35 posts
Newbee

jhempstead :  If he’s the love of your life, don’t call off the wedding. YES the parents are a huge red flag… is he an only child? Does he work for his father at the lawfirm or something? Even from the little information that you told us on this post, I’ve concluded why the parents are so controlling. 

Think about it this way… when you go to the horse races and you put money down on a horse, you have stock in that race. In the same way, they have stock in your wedding. They are putting money down. It’s the same way if you have a favorite sports team and are a diehard fan, they get emotional when their team isn’t winning. It’s the same for the wedding, they are emotionally invested.

The reason I think they are so controlling is because his dad owns the lawfirm, he’s used to winning cases and fighting his side of the story. Also, he’s the boss, so what he says goes. He’s used to getting his way. Plus, they sound like they have a lot of wealth. Typically, people with a lot of wealth are used to getting their way because they pay for it. It sounds like that’s what they are trying to do with your wedding. They cannot accept the fact that because they are paying for something, they don’t get to control the situation or get whatever they want….that’s because they are SO USED to getting it.

It sounds like your Fiance understands that they are hard to deal with, so he just sides with them because it’s like swimming against the currant. I have parents who are controlling (they are paying a lot of $$$ for my wedding) and they are trying hard to control the situation, but telling them what they are doing wrong (and a few times of telling them) seems to get the message across.

What needs to be done is to talk (calmly) to your Fiance and help him understand that siding with the parents and then yelling at you because they want something their way is really upsetting you to the point that it doesn’t feel like it’s your wedding anymore and you’re considering walking away from it all. Sometimes that’s all it takes for him to realize that he’s jeopordizing your future together.

If the parents continuing fighting to get their way, don’t feel bad, they are getting their way with kosher for two guests (smh). Honestly, if I were you, I would feel like that’s why they are paying– to get their way with kosher & nothing else. So that’s all they should be in charge of… the food & who they invite. Speaking of invite.. it’s silly to invite so many people you don’t know & they don’t have to have the same number as your parents. It sounds like an EGO TRIP, they want to look important (as many people of wealth want to put on a show).

Best of luck to you! Please update us.

Post # 75
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

This is a HOT ASS MESS!!!

Your fiancé is not going to change after you become his wife. He is who he is and that’s it. When people show you who they are, believe them and he’s been showing you for 10 years who he is.

Your in laws sound annoying and that is not going to change either. Just imagine the battles that will ensue when it’s time to decide where to go for the holidays and other family events in the future.

I can say more, but I’m just going to say good luck because you need it!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors