I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept that your parents don’t deserve a larger portion of the guest list considering their contribution is TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS MORE. My parents were very specific in wanting the parental wedding contributions to be split 50-50 as much as possible to avoid this very pitfall. My Mother-In-Law wanted to invite all sorts of her friends and we had to put our foot down and say no, I’m not disinviting my relatives and reducing our/my parents guest list so you can have your buddies that I don’t even know attend. They both put in x dollars, they both got x percentage of guests to invite. In this case, it should be PROPORTIONAL, not equal.
I get that in some circles, a wedding is a status thing, but FUCK THAT NOISE. You don’t get to invite your 30 coworkers and a tailor (I’m sorry, big old WTF there), I’d be putting my foot down on that immediately. These are people who get B list invitations – if the family they’ve invited declines, then he can extend those invitations. Your wedding is the celebration of the marriage of two people, not their opportunity to flaunt their wealth in front of people who don’t even know you and your Fiance. This seriously grosses me out, what kind of people do that?
Everyone seems to have glossed over what you said about the invitations – she said it would be:
The parents of bride and the parents of groom request your presence blah blah blah
That’s appropriate. Your future Mother-In-Law doesn’t get to say anything besides “I want our names listed”, not “i want it on the same line” – what, are your invitations 20 inches long to accommodate everyone’s names? How you list it is up to you and what you’ve chosen is completely within etiquette. Dont’ give that another thought, its not worth it. The choice you made is correct.
The kosher thing? Let it go. You didnt want it – they insisted and are paying for it. Done deal, not worth any more thought. Annoying? Yes. But its not coming out of your pocket so thank your lucky stars and move on. And you don’t get to negate the $20k they’re contributing. It’s part of the contribution, so you can’t say they’re only REALLY putting in 25k and my parents 65k.
I do have to agree to a point with other PPs that at this point, there are some things you should just let go of and let them have. If it goes against your principles (oh we want a priest AND a rabbi!) and its just costing more money for the sake of it, put your foot down. The other thing is they’ve gotten a lot of what they want – you shouldn’t have to sacrifice YOUR wedding day to make them happy. Do what you can to keep the peace, but remind your Fiance that the day is about YOU, not about his parents.
I hope the counselling goes well and you’re right, its about boundaries. I’ve had a really hard time setting boundaries with my in-laws and I’m actively working on it with a therapist. I found that my therapist is really able to succintly put my feelings into words so that I can explain it better to my husband. It’s made our communication a lot better, so I hope you have a similar outcome.