Post # 91
Therapy WILL help you, if not to solve your relationship problems at least to convince you that marrying him might not be the best for your own happiness.
BUT you can’t go to therapy expecting your problems to be solve before a deadline (wedding). You’ll both have this feeling that you need to solve your problemas asap and one of you might end up temporarly giving in just to go thru the wedding. Picture this:
It is the week before your wedding and you are both finally discussing boundaries. He promises to do x, y and z; and you agree to marry him because, hey, he promised it, right? Well, you get married but when the time comes he is only able to go with y (and not entirely). When confronted he tells you it is hard and he’ll keep trying. Five years later, all his promises are broken and you are kept to wonder why you rushed into marriage.
And to be honest, given the type of issues in you relationship, I don’t think they can be solved in less than two months.
Post # 92
- Wedding: June 2018 - Tizer Gardens/Carroll College
maebae: My FIL’s started with, “Oh if you get married at the cathedral, we will pay for your whole ceremony.” For this, both my Fiance and I would have to convert. NOPE!
Next, it was, “if you have it at the country club, we could get you a club discount, and you can use our liquor credit for your reception.” My Fiance hates the food there, and I didn’t want a country club wedding. Luckily, I had already booked our ceremony space (a lovely botanical garden and arboretum), and the country club already had a tourney that week.
Now it sounds like they are going to have our rehearsal dinner at the country club, which is fine, it’s their part of the weekend, they can do what they like (although I’d much rather go somewhere else), I’m not fighting them on it.
This week when they said they needed more guest, that also was fine, because I’m not a monster, and they are a society family, and I knew that going into this wedding. Now they’ve stopped putting conditions on their monetary gifts, and we should just let them know what we need.
Being flexible, and paying for the things, and having sane parents is really a nice thing to have no control over having. Although, had his parents been psycho from the beginning like this, it may be a different story!
Post # 93
jhempstead : I’m glad you’re both going to see a counselor. The proper boundary to establish is being responsible for communicating with your parents. His goal for therapy is learning how not to be pushed over by his parents, because he owes it to you to prevent two people from butting their way into your marriage. A couple only fits two.
For your part, tell him you understand how hard it must be for him to confront his parents. You know he doesn’t want to make them upset, and feels he owes them a lot for raising him. However, disagreements between family members are normal. Learning to deal with conflict head on and work towards a resolution is a life skill he’s going to need to acquire. and fast! Best of luck, bee!
Post # 94
You had some of my sympathy early on, until you made the comment about your future father in laws right to speak at your wedding. Your statement implied that he had not contributed enough to earn that honor, or at least that is certainly how it could be interpreted. It should not matter if his contribution is 100%, 50% or nothing. This is the marriage of his son, and he should have every right to speak. He should not be treated differently than your father. This just came across as disrespectful, rude, and childish. If this is indicitive of your attitude toward his parents, it is no wonder there are problems.
Post # 95
violet90 : yeah i think I was getting petty because ive become so frustrated with him. I never told him or anyone that i didnt want him to speak at the wedding, it was just something i said on the board.
Post # 96
I think having kosher food is a beautiful spiritual thing to do to start out your married life. People always want to celebrate and honor their family heritage during their wedding and I think your in-laws request for kosher food is perfect for that! And the fact that they are paying for it is so gracious of them.
I would appreciate their generosity rather than down-talk it.
Their generosity should “allow” them to invite whom they want and who they hold dear combined with your parent’s list within the venue’s capacity.
You are ranting about not knowing their guests? Why? Your groom and his family won’t know YOUR guests either.
I think calling it off might be a good idea until appreciation and honor of who your groom holds so dear (his generous parents) is developed by you. Good luck and count your blessings.
Post # 97
I think you probably won’t or can’t do this, but I would cancel the whole thing and elope. You and your Fiance have become a dog-and-pony show for your parents, and your future in-laws sound like they could really stand to learn a lesson about what’s for sale and what is in their control. The update you posted about Thanksgiving – his dad iced you out because you came too his birthday party late after helping your mom cook, as you had informed them in advance you would be doing – is he a 14 year old girl? And your fiance didn’t stand up for you? That to me is the biggest red flag in all of this. Once you’re married (and preferably even before then) the two of you are a team. No one else decides what you do, and you have each others’ backs. I really hope counselling helps and he is open to changing his behavior, because otherwise your headaches are just going to continue.
Post # 98
My Fiance is the same way. He definitely puts his family in front of me and I am so tired of it. My Fiance also has problems setting boundaries and there are always repercussions from his family when boundaries are set. I don’t think that they understand that marriage is two people coming together under God to create a NEW family. It does not mean you forget the family you grew up with, but you do put your NEW family first. If it wasn’t like that, then they can just go get married to their moms, sisters, etc… My Fiance and I are starting couples counseling, I am praying this will help!
Post # 99
The issue is not (PRIMARILY) his parents. The issue is with your man. I absolutely would not marry a man who does not have the balls to stand up for me.No way, no how. Wait till you have kids…
Post # 100
jhempstead : If your Fiance doesn’t have your back now why do you think he will have your back just because you marry?
Post # 101
I stopped reading after page 4; so I’m behind in any updates.
I have extremely overbearing, pushy in laws. Particularly my mil. I knew this before getting engaged so I had a hunch what I was getting into.
Dh and I paid for our wedding ourselves because I didn’t want your situation. We didn’t take money towards our wedding from either side. We wanted a small wedding and that’s what we did. Dh’s family in comparison to mine is enormous, so there were more people from “his” side than mine. But we were getting married so his side became my side that day anyway. Fil wanted to invite a ton of people and offered to pay so he could. We politely declined because we wanted our nearest and dearest at our wedding and knew once we accepted money for more people, we gave up some control over what we wanted. We had our day our way and I’d do it that way again if given the choice
As I said before, I have overbearing in laws and you really need to choose your battles if you want Fiance to ever take your side. Mine piss me off far more than I tell Dh about (I fully admit I am bec towards them at times), but if I make EVERYTHING a battle, I look unreasonable and dh won’t have my back on things that really matter to me.
Post # 102
jhempstead : the way you plan your wedding is a true indicator of your future together.
It should be fun and amazing – I had a similar awful experience with my first husband and wish I had done it on our own terms. His mother was a nightmare
my advice – cancel the wedding or put it on hold and work your shit and communication out. The problems may be trivial but this is the way you deal with shit the rest of your life
Post # 103
butterfly67 : omg yes – this x 1000 – it’s so true !!
Post # 104
For anyone who is wondering. I called off the wedding. We had agreed to move forward and plan everything ourselves and leave the parents out of it. Well, his parents were so upset by all of it that they said they weren’t paying anything anymore. I KNEW the next fight would be that we had not set aside enough money to be able to cover their portion and had planned the wedding with their contribution in mind… and therefore, we would ask they cut their list so lower the cost of the variable costs. I am so done fighting. I dont want to have a wedding where everyone is fighting. The whole day has such a dark cloud over it. We have lost sight of the whole point of the wedding. So now the next step will be…. telling everyone. Does anyone have any advice?
Post # 105
jhempstead : Are you going to have a different wedding at another point or are you and your Fiance breaking up?