Post # 106
jhempstead : So their already reduced list was supposed to be cut again? I thought you said you didn’t need their money if the wedding is not kosher.
As for telling everyone, if you have already sent invitations, you can send a card stating that the wedding “will not take place” or “has been postponed.” You can google the language. Otherwise, I’d just tell people as you speak to them.
Post # 107
They arent being mean to you. They are willing to pay extra for things they think will look/be nicer for your wedding that you are saying is too expensive and unnecessary.
Im sorry, Im on your FI’s side on this one. Your comment to his mom was very rude. You could of just said the brides name and brides parents name comes first because they are giving you away to your Fiance.
They seem like loving people – I really feel bad for them.
Just read your update- wedding planning is stressful, but this is just plain dramatic. I think a little more respect needs to be given when speaking to his parents. I think it’s best that you don’t move forward with the wedding. His family seems very important to him as it should be and you simply do not respect or appreciate them.
Post # 108
I think it’s actually probably smart that you called it off. I hate to be a debbie downer, but if you and your Fiance can’t even get through what honestly sounds like pretty normal wedding planning stress (i.e., overbearing parents who give money with strings attached), that doesn’t bode well for overcoming the slings and arrows that life will throw at you over the course of your marriage. I hope you guys will go to counseling and find a way to emerge from this darkness.
Post # 109
jhempstead : I think it was wise to call it off. The whole thing was out of control. I don’t envy you the phone calls to let people know the wedding is off, with that giant guest list, but I bet your family and friends would help you notify people. Don’t forget to return any gifts you’ve already received.
Are you and your Fiance working things out/staying together? What was his perspective on canceling the wedding?
Post # 110
I know that this must have been so difficult with the wedding so close but you really did the right thing.
Will you and your fiance be going to counseling?
Post # 111
weddingmaven : They reduced from a list 97 to 71 (which represented a third of the invites and after several fights with them)… was that an unreasonable request that we split the wedding equally? I wouldnt need his familys money if it wasnt kosher, but my Fiance and I have a contract with a kosher caterer so we are on the hook for that… and now they arent paying for them… I think thats pretty sleezy on their end.
It also got out of control because my Future Mother-In-Law called my mom to ask how many people they planned on inviting to the rehearsal dinner (which i dont know why because my Fiance and I were taking that over) and my mom asked what the criteria was (just out of towners, just family, everyone?)… she said, i dont know, just give me a number… and my mom said, my number depends on this criteria.. then my Future Father-In-Law takes the phone from the Future Mother-In-Law and starts yelling at her and called her a “disgusting human being” and that they should be so lucky that their son is even marrying their daughter… and then hangs up.
I do not want to marry into a family who says things like that about my family and me. But what was worse is that my Fiance didnt condone the behavior and said, he was just upset…
I am not sure if we are going to stay together. On one hand maybe time will help heal these wounds, but ive also seen a really ugly side of his family and I dont know if I’ll ever get over that.
Post # 112
jhempstead : Your Future Mother-In-Law, or ex Future Mother-In-Law, as the case may be was completely off the rails in her behavior and there was absolutely no excuse for what she said. But it was not off base of her to expect that the list should be split equally. Your mother’s answer re: “criteria” was inappropriate, IMO. She should not have been trying to micromanage your FI’s mother’s list. A lot of people have told you that already.
I’m sorry it came to this. Revoking the contribution after you are already on the hook to pay WAS a sleazy move, though. This could have been worked out if ALL the people involved were capable of behaving rationally. You may be past that point.
Unfortunately, I think this has been a group project.
Post # 113
Just wanted to put in an update because I never told you what we ultimately decided. We canceled the wedding 6 weeks before the wedding and a few weeks later I moved out of our apartment to get space. I don’t regret calling of the wedding for a second because we were in a really bad place and didnt want to start a marriage on such bad terms and uncertainty. It’s easier to cancel a wedding than a marriage. I want to thank everyone who gave me their advice, whether it was what I did or didn’t want to hear, it helped me figure out what was normal wedding drama and what were serious red flags.
Obviously I wish things could have worked out but calling off my wedding has changed me as person and allowed me to take a step back and figure out what I truly wanted. I also learned who my true supporters were. Despite the amount of money my family and I were going to lose because of my decision, they told me that they would support me in whatever decision I made, something I’ll always be grateful for. I am sad to hear that my ex fiance’s family did not do the same and they now rarely speak. I dont know what I wouldve done without my family’s constant support in making the decision and in the many months after the decision was made, so it really pains me to hear that he doesn’t have that. Anyways, thats my update 🙂
Post # 114
jhempstead : I’m sorry you had to go through all of that but you are so brave to do what you felt was right with so much planned. That’s such a hard thing, and kudos to your family!
you will find someone who is a much better fit. Best wishes bee.
Post # 115
Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. So glad that your family is there to support you no matter what!
Post # 116
Sounds like the right decision. The whole situation had turned toxic. If you had married him you would have faced battles for years with him not siding with you – can you even imagine if you had a child?? Some of the updates about your Future Father-In-Law screaming at your mother etc were just horrifying.
Post # 117
Honestly, I think you are stressed out as it is because of your wedding. Just relax and just step back for some of the planning, and have your future hubby take the reins. He can include his parents and yours, and you won’t be in the middle. A wedding is honestly more for the parents. My father in law plannned my entire wedding, and honestly, I loved it. I was stress free and he got to be involved in everything. He was so happy, I was happy, my husband, etc. I think your husband, future husband, adores you or he wouldn’t marry you. Of course he loves his parents, and you should be happy he includes them. When you have kids, you will want your children to include you in everything. Don’t make him pick between you or his parents. That isn’t fair. Just either elope or let him take charge. You sit back and relax!
Post # 118
cindydarksidebibbs : This original post is 5 months old – OP already called off the wedding and moved out.
OP: although it’s really hard, I think you made the right choice. It sounds like underpinning all of this nightmare was a relationship where the communication and loyalties weren’t right. It’s so hard, but you’ve been so strong. If it helps, a family friend of ours did exactly this: called off her wedding with just 3 weeks to go. She is now married happily to someone else and has a baby with him. Things will get better from here. Better cancelling some expensive contracts than a divorce.
Post # 119
jhempstead : I’m sorry you had to go through that. But by the looks of it, you made the right decision. Your Ex is incapabale of putting his spouse first. That is not the makings of a happy marriage.
Things will get better. Chin up. I’m glad you have a great support system.
Post # 120
cindydarksidebibbs : Your stance on this whole situation is frightening.
Her Ex ILs behavior was atrocious. Her Ex Fiance didn’t event stand up for her and his future ILs. Imagine bringing a child into that situation? Imagine dealing with that on a regular basis? Yeah, weddings are stressful, but by no means should things have escalated to that extent. Their behavior was straight up toxic. And his refusal to stand up for his future wife is inexcusable. The only thing that will fix that is extensive therapy for the Ex and for him to realize that his parents are toxic narcs. Until he fixes that, this guy will probably never have a happy marriage.