(Closed) Should I call off the wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Have you asked him what triggered that reaction? Maybe someexperience with a locked door?

I would tell him heneeds to find a reason for this change of behavior and that together you want to go to couples counseling before you get married.

Be sure he tells you or the counselor of any behavior in the past similar to this with you or anyone else.

People make mistakes but he was certainly a bit over the top and I feel like there may be some other underlying reason. ,Abe he is stressed about the upcoming marriage and is afraid to say why?

Post # 4
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh dear.  First off, I’m so so so sorry you had to go through that.  You say this was very out of character for him…was your argument completely different than the ones you’ve had before?  My opinion…the words “please don’t hurt me” should NEVER have to come out of your mouth to the person who is supposed to care for you, protect, support, and love you.  You’re lucky you weren’t hurt more seriously this time.  THIS time.  If you don’t want to jump to calling off the wedding, you need to IMMEDIATELY see a therapist.  Best wishes, sweetie.  Keep us posted.

Post # 6
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Things people will most likely do more than once:  lie, cheat, steal, hit, scream, spit, pull a gun, slam doors, push, shove, kick, insult, berate, break promises, swear they’ll never do it again, go back to someone who abused them. 

 

Things people will most likely NOT do more than once:  skydive, see the Great Wall of China, eat Insane Hot wings, hit the lottery.

 

My point is that behavioral things are rarely a one-time thing.  What’s boiling right under the surface will always come through at some point, and when people show you who they really are and what they’re really capable of (positive AND negative), you need to believe them.

Post # 9
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@TSreee:  I think you need to open dialogue.  This isn’t a show down. 

Post # 10
Member
1429 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Omg honey. I am so sorry this happened to you.

In my 8 years with my very docile Fiance now matter how stressed or upset he gets he has never raised his voice to me let alone harmed me in anyway and I know he never would. It’s the same way his dad is with his mother.

You need to find out what triggered this outburst. I am thinking a locked door is something traumatic that maybe happened in his childhood. The way you described him breaking down the door and well, everything is very violent. Him breaking down  and crying and begging you not to leave is typical abusers behavior.

I’m sorry to say but I do believe this will continue and get worse if he doesn’t get immediate help. 

The best advise my mom ever gave me is “If he hits or hurts you once he WILL do it again. There are too many men out there that will cherish you and NEVER cause you hurt or harm”

Like someone else said. You should NEVER have to ask the man you love to “please don’t hurt me” My heart is breaking for you. I am 42 and if you were my daughter I would take you home with me and hug on you and not want to let go. I would also want to kill your Fiance at first but obviously I wouldn’t but I would not let him alone with you until he got some seriois help.

Sorry this is so long. I just really want you to be safe and loved.

Post # 12
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Like others have suggested, talk to him.  There is NO EXCUSE for doing what he did, but if something traumatic happened to him in the past that triggered it, you need to know so he can seek counseling for said trauma.

There is NO WAY I would marry this man without him seeing a therapist.  Not sure I could marry him at all, but without all the details, it’s hard to tell.  If you read other DV posts though, it is usually “out of character” for them, at least the first few times it happens.  If he is unwilling to see a therpist, I would be out the door for good.  

Post # 14
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

I feel so bad for you, your story made me cry. I think the best thing to do is go find a counselor and figure out what triggered this, and what to do so it never happens again. I don’t think you need to call the wedding off unless he is refusing to seek help. It does sound like this was those one off events, but you need to take steps to make sure it stays that way. 

Post # 15
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Start with, “Let’s talk about what happened.  Where did that come from?”

Post # 16
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@KristenGotMarried:  said this a lot more bluntly than I would have but I totally agree. 

Only you can decide what to do. But some things to ask yourself, if your best friend told you this happened to her what advice would you give her? If this happened again would you be ok with it? Are you willing to live with the fear that it could happen again?

I comment a lot on these types of posts and mostly because I’m in social work. These behaviors ususally come out of nowhere and can progress to more intense situations. Here’s a link for you to educate yourself about the cycle of viloence. Abuse isn’t just physical. It can be emotional too and it generally starts with emotional. Just because he didn’t hit you doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen.

People show you who they are and you need to believe them. 

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