Post # 1
I have posted before about my parents being against my relationship. They cut me off 2 years ago, took my car (that was in my dad’s name), and have since tried taking my children from me. I have tried being as patient and respectful as possible. I’m 30 years old and am going through an emotional breakdown. I am due to get married next week. My two older brother’s have been on board since day one and have been supporting my decision to get married….until last night. My mom called a family meeting to get her side of the story out. The meeting turned out to be a 5 hour long bashing session against me. Now, neither of my brother’s are talking to me. My mom made me look like a liar and a manipulator and told my brothers a terribly exaggerated version of why we don’t get along. I am dating a Hispanic mixed man with tattoos and my mom was told Mexican men beat their wives. She said he is evil, worthless, has nothing to offer me, and God will never bless our marriage. She has also told people my kids are afraid of him and don’t want me to marry him. It’s funny because my daughter (6 years old) was practicing her flower girl walk last weekend. She also said my son (9 years old) doesn’t want me to marry him, which is also strange that he would tell her that, but not me. My fiancé asked my son for “permission” to date me in the beginning and always includes my son on family discussions. She mad me look like a complete monster in front of my brothers. She said I’m always screaming at her and that she’s afraid to be around me because she thinks I will hurt her. I am 4’9 and very soft spoken. I listened to her chew me out for 5 hours and never raised my voice. Now my wedding is ruined, my family is destroyed, my children are confused, my fiancé is lost and I’m not sure what to do any more. I don’t know if getting married is an option for me anymore. How can I get married without ANY of my family by my side? How can I be happy on one of the most important days of my life? I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, and can’t think straight. I don’t want to risk losing my kids behind this. My mom is a devout Christian. She told me God is going to make me pay for causing her so much pain and that I’m going to have to apologize for everything before the end of the year because God is going to “get me.” I feel like giving up.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Solis2013: Tried taking your children from you?! On what basis!
She’s racist and judgmental from the sounds of things, I wouldn’t hesitate to cut my mother out of my life if she carried those ideas, and anyone else that believed her.
Of course you can still get married, your Fiance sounds like a very nice man, you shouldn’t doubt that just because of what your mother thinks about his race and tattoos.
Post # 4
I don’t understand how you would lose your kids b/c your mom doesn’t approve of your marriage unless there is some other background story. Talk to your kids and see what they think about your marriage. This is easy to say since I am not in your position, but you need to make your own decision about your marriage and not let your mom make it for you.
Post # 5
God is going to make her pay for her lies. If you love this man, if he loves you, and most of all, if he treats you and your children with respect and kindness you marry the hell out of him.
Post # 6
You are 30 years old. Enough said.
Post # 7
Would you even want your family there after this? The most important thing is having the person/people who are ALWAYS by your side, supporting you in everything. You have your fiance and children there already. You don’t need anyone else, especially people who make you feel like crap.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Solis2013: Take my previous advice, take a vacation to Florida and elope. Then move enough away from your family that you can live independently with your FH but close enough that if you and your family are able to patch things up, you can. Sadly, getting married is not going to radically change people’s prejudices against your relationship so you will have to just deal with it. Personally, I wouldn’t want my children to be raised around theat kind of prejudice and racism.
Sometimes family needs to be cut off so you can really be a person on your own. Other times, the family is right and the FH needs to be cut out of the picture. You need to determine whether your FH or your family is more important and us Bees are not the ones to ask.
Post # 9
They tried to take away your children and you still SPEAK to these people??? There’s patient, and then there’s being a saint. I’m sorry, but your mother is a racist, crazy woman with no business telling you that her god is going to come and get revenge on her behalf. Do you really want your children exposed to that kind of crazy attitude? Your fiance sounds respectful of your children and your family, and clearly makes you happy. Get married, tell your mother to go take a flying leap and not to contact you again until she can act like a normal human being.
Post # 10
Should you call the wedding off because your mom disapproves?! I think the answer is yes, IF them not being there at your wedding will cause you emotional distress on your day, and ruin that moment for you and your Fiance.
Should you call the marriage off because your mom dispproves?! NO, not based upon the fact/your post that she has no basis to disapprove other than ‘racial’ concepts she has in mind.
Look, only you know the truth in your situation. If you have a wonderful man, whom you love and makes you happy, whom treats your children fairly, and with respect, and whom you choose to spend the rest of your life with, then no one should stand in your way. It hurts like hell to have the lack of support, but if that lack of support is the only cause for you to walk away, then I think you are only ‘proving’ to them what they want to believe. I am sorry you are dealing with this, and I wish you all the best!
Post # 11
@akirasan: that. Does she think God is pleased with the way SHE has been acting. My mom tried this angle back when she was looking for some reason (any reason) to not approve of my marriage. I sat her down with a Bible and a neutral third party and showed her that her behavior has been despicable, there is nothing scripturally wrong about the decision I’ve made (already made; as in no longer up for discussion) and that if she wants to boycott my wedding that she is free to do so, but that God has nothing to do with it. In fact, he will judge HER for misusing His name as an excuse to mistreat/hate others. I don’t know whether it actually got through to her, but it at least made me feel better and made her see that I see right through what she’s doing. Took the wind out of her sails, so to speak. She’s still not in favor, but at least she’s no longer calling my fiance “Heathen” like it’s his name.
You mentioned that your mom is a devout Christian, but you didn’t say whether you were. But if you are, and you feel confident that God has already shown favor on your relationship and you’re sure that he’s the one for you, then do you what you’ve been led to do. At the end of the day, the scripture says that you will leave your father and your mother and become one. It’s y’all two against the world. But if you’re really meant for each other, I’m sure you can handle it.
Post # 12
@Solis2013: I’m going to ask: does your mother have any legitimate reasons to object to your marriage?
If the answer is no, then of course you have options – to let her control you or not. Shame on your brothers for turning their backs on you without talking with you to hear your side of the story. Reach out to them and ask them to hear you out. Tell them you would like to have a calm conversation and that you will be happy to answer any questions or address any concerns they have. They either will or they won’t agree.
Look – I used to date a guy whose parents had a horrible amount of control over him and his brothers and his parents pulled these kind of stunts too – getting two brother’s to turn against whomever they were trying to control at any given moment. It always amazed me the brother’s didn’t realize this. But they didn’t.
The price of your family’s approval is allowing them to make your decisions for you. If your mother truly doesn’t have any legitimate reasons to fear for your or your children’s safety or future – then my advice would be to get married and be happy. The sooner you let her know she doesn’t get to call the shots, the better.
Yes, you may lose her and maybe even your brothers and that will hurt. She may never accept you unless you allow her to control your life for her. But would you rather lose yourself?
The only other advice I can offer is to ask if there is a misister she trusts that you feel you could ask for help? Maybe that person could act as a mediator?
If not, then marry your man, be happy and perhaps in time your family will come around.
I hope so. Good luck.
Post # 13
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry to hear this news!
IMO, NO you should NOT be even contemplating not getting married. Your mother sounds like a hurtful, evil woman (no offense), who is looking for ways to make you as miserable as she is.
I think you should carry on and marry your lovely man, tattoos and all, and screw what the rest of your family thinks. If they can’t see how happy you are, how happy your Fiance makes you, than they are the ones missing out. It may be tough to think of them not being there, but your wedding day is a day you begin a new life, as a new family with your Fiance. Build your own family, and let them be jealous that they CHOSE not to be a part of it.
Post # 14
I was experiencing some issues with my future inlaws during my wedding plans and my fiance said to me ‘ a marriage is between 2 people and its only these 2 people that matter in the actual wedding’ . This was quite a wise statement from him lol…but basically during all the planning and excitement you can forget what a wedding is all about the celebration of love between 2 people, everything else is the frilly bits ….
plus i firmly believe that the only people who know what fully goes on in a relationship are the 2 people in it so no one has a right to pass judgement on it as they never know the full story….if your more than happy to spend the rest of your life with this man then i wouldnt cancel for anyone..
Post # 15
So wait your racist mother tried to take your children away and screamed at you for 5 hours and now you are thinking of calling off your wedding to the man who loves you and your children? HELL NO. You get married with your children by your side, you don’t need any other family members that are racist assholes to be present.
You are 30 years old, you need to make decisions that are right for you and your children, NOT your mom.
Post # 16
If you telling us everything and your mom is making this up, I don’t see why you want her approval anyway. If she’s being so toxic she would get cut off (especially from my children). I don’t give in to emotional terrorists. I don’t think you should either. You really need to grow a back bone, cause I don’t understand why would allow yourself to be badgered for 5 hours by ANYONE.