(Closed) Should I call this wedding off?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

There are organizations specifically for abused partners of law enforcement officers.  You want to be especially careful in this situation.

Absolutely, call off the wedding and get this guy out of your life asap.

Post # 17
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Get out now. Call every vendor to get back what you can.  This man will only get worse.

Post # 19
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

This is really hard. If I were you I would cancel… I may be judged for this, and it’s probably a reflection of me and how I always give people the “benefit of the doubt”, but my main reason for saying cancel is your daughter. Not that you alone aren’t important enough, but If it weren’t for a child being in the mix I would say try therapy first. either way whether you go the therapy route or the dump the guy route you need to cancel the wedding. Therapy isn’t going to fix things in two months, it’s a process. I have a daughter, a toddler. They absorb everything and she doesn’t need to experience that (neither do you, but I know sometimes as moms we get even more strength through our little ones). Hugs to you, be thankful everyone is safe and you see the flags now. 

Post # 20
Member
519 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
latinabee :  All it takes is one time to know your space and safety have been violated. Don’t allow a second time.

If you think you want to try and talk with him about this through counseling, tell him how you feel about what he did – that it is unacceptable, that you are not okay with this behavior even if he IS upset, at all. He can be angry, upset, frustrated, whatever, but he has control over his actions. Being a police officer, he has to keep himself in check and not react in a way that would escalate a situation to violence, and even as a human being he should understand he is not allowed to treat you this way.

You DO deserve to be treated with respect, and deserve to feel safe and unthreatened, not on edge or worrying about what you have said by mistake (when you said the wrong name). Your daughter deserves to be safe in a home with a man who you will not be scared, threatened, or worried about in terms of what he may do to you, and in front of your daughter. 

Do not feel embarassed. Your Fiance should be embarassed and ashamed of himself for behaving so immaturely, violently, and being abusive towards you. You are strong for recognizing that this is a major issue. You are reaching out for support, advice and for what is best for you and your daughter. That is resiliency, strength and listening to your gut.

Good luck to you.

 

Post # 21
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

Don’t wait for things to get worse. You’ve recognized the pattern of abuse, and you can save yourself and your daughter from it.

You may lose some money over it, you may suffer from some embarassment, and it may be painful, but it will pale in comparison to the freedom of being away from someone who is toxic.

Be strong! You can do this.

Post # 22
Member
519 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
latinabee :  I would add that that is HIS problem, not yours. If you really want to try and continue the relationship, and he does as well, he will need to show you he is committed to doing WORK on himself.

All actions have consequences. I would say that being abusive and violent to your future wife, has MAJOR consequences! 

Post # 23
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
bee2be2017 :  

Couples counseling is not recommended when there is any type of abuse.  Too often, abusers punish their victims at homes for what they reveal in therapy.

He would have to get into therapy on his own initiative and they should separate during the treatment period.

Post # 24
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Um he’s an office and is acting like this? I would think he would get in trouble at his job as well. 

 I have been in similar situation and got out it was the best decision I ever made. 

Good luck bee!

Post # 26
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee

No therapy…cancel the wedding and dump him. Let him get therapy on his own of he wants…this is too big of a red flag to try to deal with while dating even if he is your fiance.Marry someone whose flaws you can live with.This flaw of his is unlivable.I wish I had this advice when I was younger 

Post # 27
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
latinabee :  You should not feel the need to protect him from the repurcussions of his actions, but the reality is that police officers found guilty of domestic violence are rarely fired, arrested or referred to prosecution. In a study of the LAPD, sustained allegations weren’t even mentioned on performance reviews for most abusers on the force, and almost a third of them received promotions. His job is not at stake–in fact, it’s an edge in controlling and scaring you. 

40% of police officer families experience domestic violence compared to an estimated 10% of the general population. You are in danger. Get yourself and your daughter out of this situation before it escalates. 

http://www.womenandpolicing.org/violenceFS.asp 

Post # 28
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017 - Canvas Event Space

Go with your gut. This really seems like it can only get worse. 

Post # 29
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
latinabee :  he deserves it I’m sorry you shouldn’t have to worry about him after what he did to you… 

Post # 30
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
latinabee :  and he should lose his job. He’s a cop acting like that? How fucked up. Who will he hurt next? He knows better. 

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