(Closed) Should I call this wedding off?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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latinabee :  I’m so sad for you.  You’re already legally married to him, correct?  Being married to an abuser in law enforcement is one of the scariest things I can imagine.  Please, please, please, I beg of you, get out of this situation before you get in any deeper.  You’re in danger and so is your child.  This is a warning, from him.  He warned you, you know what you’re signing up for.  He chose you because he knows you’ll put up with it.  Surprise him and don’t put up with it any more.  Counseling won’t help him but it might help you, after you leave him.  I’ve been married to an abuser (now divorced and happily remarried) and it was like living in hell.  Please get out now, while you can.  And please tell someone in your real life about this!  ((hugs))

Post # 32
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

Yikes! Sorry, I read this and my “he’s cheating” flag rang super loud. Unless you completely disregarded his being hurt/bummed by being called another mans name (which is legit to an extent) Over reacting, accusing you of unfair play, and now MIA when he shouldn’t be. He can’t have a shift without his badge! Frankly, I would’ve called dispatch to confirm he was on shift at that point. I suggest some boot camp marriage counseling to resolve whatever is going on. It’s definitely easier said than done, but a wedding is not worth spending a life together especially if your gut says this isn’t working and end up in divorce anyway. GOOD  LUCK!

Post # 34
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

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Speck_ :  yes thank you for this, in my small MN hometown an ex-cop entered the workplace of the woman he was married to and shot her and himself this past weekend because she took out a restraining order. Its horrific and has shaken our community. oh but since she worked at the chamber of commerce, he was allowed to be in the building to “conduct business” per the RO. (!!??)

OP, does he insist on coming with you when you have to pickup your daughter? Red flags flying up everywhere.. 

Post # 35
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

I think you have answered your own question here 

Post # 36
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

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latinabee :  Yes, you should cancel!  Don’t worry about the money- it is nothing compared to the emotional and physical (!) cost of being married to this man. 

Post # 37
Member
9439 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

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latinabee :  If this is how he handles conflict then he should be investigated at work! A police officer with a violent temper should be fired.

Post # 38
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Given the sobering stats posted by 

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Speck_ : , I wouldn’t approach this the same as I would a regular abuse situation.

In your case, I would document everything and give the docs to a lawyer and store a second copy in a bank box or with your parents or other support. 

Then I would focus on de-escalation and withdrawal. Since he seems to want this separation, you’re actually in a better situation than if he didn’t. Treat him like a bomb ready to go off, do not mention a restraining order (they often escalate abuse at any rate and so should be used depending on situation, in yours, what good is calling the police). Do not try to get him to understand. Don’t call him out for being abusive. 

Slowly back away to the door and blame a bad fit when he asks. Just keep saying he is right, not a good fit, so sorry. If he feels you might threaten his job by speaking the truth, it could escalate him so I would try very hard to be a non-issue to him.

And get your divorce quickly. 

better yet, call the 800 number for RAINN and get good info from experts on how to protect yourself, they will keep your convo private and should have protocol for dealing with LEO abusers.

 

Post # 39
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

I think you should cancel this wedding for good and seek divorce.

Post # 40
Member
4509 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Sadly, I would call off the wedding.  His jealousy issues are a huge red flag and even more so his reactions.  I’m with you Bee.  I just called off my May 2017 weddding last week and it hurts.  But I feel it is better to call of a wedding than enter a marriage with the wrong person.  Sending you hugs.

Post # 41
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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latinabee :  Please call off the wedding and please report him shoving you.   He must be held to the same standards as any other man – actually as a cop I would say to higher standards.  There is NO excuse for physical violence.  He needs to learn that lesson now before he gets into bigger trouble – and he will if he doesn’t change. 

Post # 43
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I wouldn’t be able to stay after experiencing physical abuse. It would be hard to stay after emotional abuse (the jealousy) and yes after I safely removed myself and my daughter from the situation, I would report it. His job should not be your worry! 

You might feel embarrassed cancelling the wedding now but you are saving yourself and your daughter from a bad situation. It’s ok. 

Post # 44
Member
12 posts
Newbee

My ex husband pushed me one time, hard. Well I did hit the floor and immediately knew something was wrong (my collar bone was badly broken), and was in so much pain. He laughed in my face and shoved his phone in my face telling me to call the police. I was terrified he would hurt me while I was down. Eventually he passed out on the couch and I had to use the frame of the door to pull myself up to my feet, I called my friend, got my infant ready and she took me to the hospital. There’s much more to that whole story and unfortunately I went back and married him after that. Just wanted to share with you as another warning not to marry someone who would put a finger on you. You definitely deserve better. Now I have an Fiance who is much different, and it feels good to know that I never have to feel like that again. Best of luck to you, I know how difficult it can be. 

Post # 45
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I know someone who was married to an abusive cop for almost 10 years. No one ever believed her. Get you and your kid out while you can. Cop or not, that’s never ok. 

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