(Closed) Should I cancel my bridal shower?

posted 4 years ago in Parties
Post # 2
Member
2591 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

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woodstockgirl :  Wow, tough spot bee. I’m sorry that you’re going through that! I would hate to tell you to cancel your shower, but in this situation maye that is your best option if you want to avoid them inviting whoever they please. Or, maybe your Maid/Matron of Honor would like to host?

Post # 3
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

Cancel it and save yourself the drama by not having either of them involved in anymore wedding planning. Maybe someone else will be willing to host for you? 

Post # 4
Member
47438 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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woodstockgirl :  I appreciate your concern abut the etiquette of not inviting guests who are not invited o the wedding.  You may be giving your Mom and Future Mother-In-Law mixed mesages about the importance of etiquette, as someone following good etiquette would never ask someone else to host ,a shower for them. Showers are planned and hosted by those near and dear to the bride without direction from and with minimal involvement of, the bride.

 

Post # 5
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

To me this is a hard one. If you cancel, that’s surely not going to go over well with either mom. Unfortunately, if you DO have the shower I would bet that your mom and/or Mother-In-Law will still invite people even if you told them not to. 

I think the path of least resistance (and I use that term loosely because it sounds like there is no such path) would be to cancel. 

However, if you still want some type of wedding event, why not cancel the shower and YOU host a ladies bridal luncheon. You control the guest list and it’s not a gift receiving event, just a chance for you to have a luncheon with the ladies of your guest list. Some might still bring gifts, and your mom/MIL might still pitch a fit, but they won’t be paying so they won’t have that level of control, and you won’t be hosting your own shower so it’s not gift-grabby. 

Other than that I don’t know what else you can do except to just hold your ground, and let them know that it’s rude to invite people to a shower that aren’t invited to the wedding, and you refuse to do that to your mom/MILs friends. However, you also asked someone to host your shower, which is also a no no. So…this whole thing is a little bit of a cluster, honestly. :/

Post # 6
Member
13649 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I would decline the shower under those circumstances. But your real issue was in asking for a shower in the first place. Personally, and this is a traditional etiquette opinion, I would not have been very comfortable with family hosting a shower in any case. 

People who want to send engagement gifts still can and will. 

Post # 7
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It all sounds like way more trouble than it’s worth. I’d tell the Maid/Matron of Honor not to send invitations and let your mom and Future Mother-In-Law know that you’ve decided to cancel the shower. Don’t give them any reasoning, just let them know it’s not going to happen. 

Post # 8
Member
8371 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’d probably cancel. This sounds like such a headache, and cancelling would be easiest IMO.

If you go forward, you WILL have extra guests. Your Mother-In-Law WILL invite people behind your back.

Post # 9
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

If you mom is a narc she’ll ruin the shower one way or the other. Might be best not to have it. That said my aunt hosted my shower and my mom invited a few of her friends that weren’t invited to the wedding (it’s 2.5 hours away from where they live) and it wasn’t an issue and we had a good time. 

Post # 10
Member
913 posts
Busy bee

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woodstockgirl :  bee, I couldn’t keep reading this. You don’t put someone in charge of your own shower. A shower is thrown by someone, who decides on their own to take responsibility. Idk why you’d think asking her to pay, host, and stress over a party for you equivilates to not having an input in the wedding. If the money is *just* a gift than they shouldn’t expect an input, but it sounds like it comes with strings attached so personally I’d give the money back.

Post # 14
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee

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julies1949 :  I highly doubt these mothers were confused about etiquette. Let’s be real.

Post # 15
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

This sounds like more of a headache than it’s worth. Yes, I would cancel. Etiquette-wise, a close family member should not be throwing you a shower, since it’s a gift-giving event — although I see this happening more and more these days.

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