(Closed) Should I cancel my wedding?I’m in a lot of pain,PLEASE HELP!!!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sabbathcat: Would he be willing to take a drug test to prove he hasn’t used recently?

Has he been to rehab? Is he willing to go to narcotics anonymous?

It sounds like you really need to work on your relationship and he needs to prove he’s serious.

Not sure how he can prove that in 2 weeks.

Have you done any premarital counseling?

Post # 4
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Nevermind, I re-read your post 🙂  He shouldn’t lie to you.  Is smoking affecting anything else?  Does he have a job, is he supportive, etc.?

Post # 6
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I guess it depends on how strongly you feel about it.  If it is a deal breaker for you in and of itself, and you were clear about that from the beginning, you might want to postpone the wedding.  It’s hard for me to imagine personally, because I don’t share your beliefs, but I guess there are also people out there who don’t condone drinking, etc.  He should respect that.  If it is really a part of his lifestyle, and you don’t think he’ll stop, you don’t want to be in the position of having to get a divorce a few years down the road.

ETA: I’m trying to put myself in your shoes.  If I found my SO with a bag of crack cocaine, for example, I would postpone the wedding until we got things worked out.

Post # 8
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sabbathcat: There is NOTHING wrong with couple’s therapy at the beginning of a marriage.

In fact, my Fiance and I are going to go to counseling before getting married. Not because there is anything wrong with our relationship, but because facilitated conversation can help to open even more channels of communication in the marriage.

Why did going to NA make you sick?

If you are to the point where you are thinking of calling off your wedding, then some counseling is in order IF  you have any desire to make this work.

Post # 9
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Most people start off their marriages with premarital counseling. That’s not weird at all.

I know some people aren’t against weed, but I am and it would be a deal breaker

Post # 11
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am all for you doing therapy, but I would also take him up on a drug test, since he says he didn’t smoke recently. You should be able to get an answer pretty quickly..

Post # 12
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

If you’re really THAT dead set against the weed, then you should’ve never condoned it or stayed with someone that you knew was a user (if you knew). Personally? Weed isn’t that big of a deal to me. I occasionally enjoy it, and it will hopefully/probably be legalized eventually. If that happens, then what is your argument? 

Now if you didn’t notice anything until you SAW the bag, then I’d say it otherwise doesn’t affect him. Sounds like he’s put together and gets his business done. But if you’ve been together two years and you’ve never approved but you’re just now calling an ultimatum? Not fair or right, in my opinion. This is something between you and your Fiance. Everyone on the bee is just going to give you their opinion on weed. This is something you have to figure out for yourself.

Post # 14
Member
3364 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Not trying to make light of the issue, but if he had weed in his wallet (wallets are pretty small), how much was he even carrying? But nonetheless, I am a Pro-Marijuana advocate, so I am a bit bias.

But I feel if this is something you both have discussed and agreed upon (him quitting), then yes he lied, and you should take some time away to think for yourself before committing YOURSELF & THIS BABY to the relationship!

Do you have a church counselor? Or could you afford couple’s therapy? or maybe he can start a Recovery program or even a Narcotics or Marijuana Anonymous. Yes there are things out there like this and yes they do help those who want and/or ready for help. But the user has to be ready for change. He isnt going to change over night, its going to take time. Prayers your way!

I wish you the very best in your decision, I cant imagine being in your shoes! xo

You can totally get at home drug tests! And weed is known to stay in your system for at least 30 days, depending how much you “flush/detox” your body!

Post # 15
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It is obviously an issue and a deal breaker for you.

It was NOT ok for him to lie- no-one puts something in their wallet/ pocket that they intend to throw out- sheesh.

I would say counselling, and give him the option of having a blood test if he keeps pleading innocence.

Hugs, T

Post # 16
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My two cents:the issue here isn’t the weed or whether it should be legal or how often he does it or anything along those lines.  It is the respect that a married couple should have for each other. If you don’t like him smoking weed, he should respect you enough not to do so.  Versus hide it.  If smoking weed means enough to him that he is willing to lie to his future wife (and mother of his children!!) about it, and it means enough to you that you have drawn a line in the sand that no means no…I hate to say it but this could seriously turn out to be a VERY big deal down the road.  Again–not because of the weed but because of the respect/lying issue.  Although the fact that weed means more to him than not lying to the mother of his unborn child could be an indicator of more than casual usage.

You should NOT have to give your husband random drug tests in the home. Random drug tests are something that parole officers give. Do you really want to be a parole officer, or do you want to be a mother and wife?  If I were in your shoes, pre-marital counseling would be my next step, as would seriously considering postponing the wedding.  Yes, it sucks to postpone a wedding, but you have yourself and a child to consider here.  Which in the grand scheme of things are MUCH more important than a wedding.

FWIW, to give you an idea of where I am coming from, I have no problems with people who smoke weed recreationally.  I don’t do so myself anymore but have smoked more than my fair share in the past.  And have seen firsthand that, while marijuana is for all practical purposes “natural” and according to many studies not physically addictive, for some people it is mentally/emotionally addicting like a mother.  I know people who have chosen to not pay their full rent/mortgage payment b/c budgets were tight and they chose to spend money on a bag of weed vs pay all of rent for the month.  Or who have given up good jobs/promotions because it was too hard to give up smoking weed for the 30 days it takes to get out of your system to take a drug test.  You get my point…things that you don’t expect people to do for a recreational drug.  Also unfortunately, since mj is still illegal other than in states in which it is regulated for medical purposes, it is still possible for a police officer/judge to make an example out of someone they catch with weed.  

Also, FWIW, NA might not be the best place for your Fiance…it is easy to go to an NA meeting and be surrounded by people with hard core drug habits and convince yourself that since you didn’t have some totally dramatic life-altering situation that followed a six-month long coke binge during which you lost your job and drained your life savings while alienating all friends and family in the process, you don’t have a problem (AA can have the same effect on problem drinkers who haven’t hit a totally Lifetime-movie-worthy rock bottom).

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