(Closed) Should I cancel my wedding?I’m in a lot of pain,PLEASE HELP!!!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Maybe you can find an alanon meeting and get support from other partners of users.

Post # 18
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I was in a situation a lot like yours 2 weeks before my wedding.  I wasn’t pregnant, but the same type of marijuana issues in the relationship. 

For the first couple years of our relationship, I had no idea he smoked at all (I’ve never done it).  I was probably a little naive and missed little signs, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it to my attention (he knew 100% I wouldn’t be ok with it).

Once we moved in together, I found a baggie in the laundry and ask him about it and that was the first I ever knew of his habit.  Over the next few years, it would come up from time to time when I’d find something.  We had a lot of arguments about it, me crying, him promising to quit, saying he doesn’t do it that much, etc etc. 

2 weeks before my wedding, I found out by accident (not him telling me) that he had been arrested a few months prior for possession.  We are in our 30s and professionals so being arrested for any reason isn’t run of the mill stuff in our social circles.  I flipped out but went ahead with the wedding anyway because I figured it was too late to back out and I loved him.  Long story short, that was only the tip of the iceberg as far as his problems went (he’s moved on to much worse things, lost his job due to it, etc) and 7 months and tens of thousands of dollars later, I’m getting divorced.

As soon as we merged finances after the wedding, his ATM withdrawals made it pretty apparent his little habit was to the tune of more than $1k a month.  I really had no idea.  He was paying his bills on time, socking away money into savings, etc the whole time.

Dig around.  Make sure you know the full extent of things if you’re even considering still moving forward.  Do you share finances?  Can you get a fuller picture of how much, how often, etc?  When you’re with someone who lies and sneaks, what you think you know is probably not the half of it.

They really can hide it if you spend most of the day apart.

Post # 19
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with everything 

View original reply
@LindaD76: just said.

Post # 20
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I agree with EleanorRigby

Post # 23
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

All I can really say is go with your gut.  You probably know deep down whether or not you should marry him.  There are a lot of external factors that will make it seem like you should march forward with the wedding, but trust your intuition.

You have to assume he will stay exactly the same after the wedding and after the birth.

If he’s still using at the same level, and hiding it, is that something you can live with long term?

 

Post # 25
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I’m so sorry… Truth is, you told him that if he smoked again, the wedding was off, and he did not take it seriously and smoked… Now, if you don’t hold on to your word, he’ll probably just lay low for a while and start again, since you married him even after saying it was a dealbreaker. Unfortunately, he would have no reason to change if you go through with this…

However, you did choose to conceive with someone who you knew was a drug user, and no matter how much it bothers you, he will always be a part of your daughter’s life, and, subsequently, of your life.

I think you should cancel the wedding for now; and go to counselling with him and let him try to rebuild your trust, if he’s at all interested to do so. That would be a good start, and maybe later down the road you can get married if it works… I know you feel weird about starting a marriage with counselling; however you are way more committed to him than by marriage already with your child to come; and if there’s any chance that you may make this work and be a happy family, you should at least give it a try. If it works, all is good, but if it doesn’t, at least you will know for sure that you have tried everything in your power to make it work.

Post # 26
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

whether or not marijuana should be legal.. the fact is that it is illegal. 

and now that you have a baby on the way, it’s not just about the two of you and what you want… it’s also about the baby.

you don’t want him setting a bad example for your child.

you don’t want him getting in some sort of legal trouble while your child is around. bring a child to a drug deal? get busted? have your kid cry as she watches daddy get arrested by the cops? 

no. get out now so you don’t have to deal with a divorce.

Post # 27
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I really think that you should try premarital counseling.  Your Fiance could honestly just be looking at it as “weed isn’t a big deal…i dont know why she has such a problem with it” instead of reframing it as “I love my fiance and because of that love and respect i will respect her enough to not smoke weed”.  

This is a kind of silly comparison, but take it as you wish.  This past Sat night I went to a black tie event w/my best friend. I needed a formal dress to wear but the only one I own that isn’t too small is WAY breasty. My fiance saw me in it and told me that he didn’t want me going out in it. It meant a lot to him that I didn’t show my cleavage so dramatically, so although I thought he was being ridiculous, I went and bought a new dress.  We are paying for our own wedding so the $150 I had to spend at the last minute on a new dress was $150 out of our wedding fund.  But, I respected his wishes and bought a new dress.  I was tempted to pull the old high school move of putting some kind of camisole under the dress until I left the house (as my cleavage wasn’t hurting anyone and I thought I looked pretty good truth be told in the boob dress) and then change in the car, but that would have just been ridiculous and an absolute waste of a way to break his trust.  Because at the end of the day while I completely feel that my boobs aren’t hurting anyone, my fiancee wants them kept under wraps.  So, I respect his wish.

Post # 28
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If he’s actively addicted (which it sounds like he might be, otherwise why not just stop, if it’s causing all this strife?), then couples counseling won’t be productive.  The addiction needs to be dealt with first as it’s likely CAUSING a lot of the problems in the relationship and it’s not like he’ll be honest and genuinely open to changing his damaging behavior.

I have nothing against couples therapy in general (even early in the marriage) but from what I’ve read, in some situations like addiction and abuse, it can be useless or even counterproductive.

Post # 29
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
@prettyflowers: Agreed; however if counselling can show him just how much his addiction hurts the relationship, it could trigger something in him to motivate him to stop and get help on the addiction issue.

Post # 30
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

View original reply
@mommytobee: He already knows how much it hurts her, unless he’s deaf and blind.  Addicts don’t change until their own life becomes unmanageable.  It’s not really about how they’re affecting other people (even those they love).

Post # 31
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think you have to do random drug tests- but you don’t believe that he hasn’t been doing it and if he is truthful and can pass a drug test I think you should allow him the option to prove it to you.  

I completely understand the trust issue- and it’s hard and I’m sorry you have to go through this.

The topic ‘Should I cancel my wedding?I’m in a lot of pain,PLEASE HELP!!!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors