Post # 32
@sabbathcat: I was in a similar situation. I was engaged and my Fiance smoked cigs and weed. I told him that I did not like the cigs because my family history with it and lung cancer and some other personal reasons. He told me he quit. After college I told him I did not like him smoking weed either because he is a grown-up now and shouldn’t be doing it everyday. Once in a while is okay, but not becoming a user was important to me. I found out he was lying about quiting both. Granted, we were not as far along as you are in the wedding planning and whatnot, but I decided that I could not trust him and did not want to be around that. The deal breaker for me was when he told me that when we had children he would not stop smoking weed and he would do it with them in the house. That was the deal breaker for me.
I agree with some of the above posters, this is not about whether smoking weed is wrong or right, this is about the fact that he lied to you and you do not trust him. You have said that you can not deal with this your whole life and you have a baby on the way. I know it hurts and I know it is hard but until HE is ready to be honest and take the steps necessary to stop his behavior. You told him if he was lying you would be done. I think you should stink to your guns. I am not saying that one day you will not be together or he will not be there for your little girl, but until he wants to change, he won’t, so for now maybe it is best to hold off on such a commitment.
Post # 33
Doing something illegal when you have children is not ok. Imagine if he got stopped by the police with your child in the car and got searched. Unacceptable. I can see why this is such a big deal to you.
As an aside, personally- I think marijuana should be legalized. However, until that day- he needs to give it up.
Post # 34
I haven’t read the pps but here’s what my thoughts are to the OP. He knew your conditions…he broke them. I think that you should really consider whether this is truly what you want. I was with a drug user for 1.5 years and I was sooooo miserable and angry all the time (I don’t do drugs at all…he was addicted to speed and I didn’t really get how serious it was until a few months in). I think that you should postpone the wedding until you are 100% sure that this is the person for you. I wouldn’t write him off just yet (he is the father of your child), but I think that you need to do what’s right for you and your child first. Counseling would be my first step if I were you. Best of Luck!
Post # 35
Considering you’re pregnant you have to consider what his habit entails in parenthood. Bottom line is weed is illegal … say you two got pulled over with your daughter in the car…. if the police found some on him, you would both go to jail and you would be dealing with possibly losing your daughter… if you didn’t have to go to jail b/c the police accepted it as his only you would still have to deal with CPS and why you allowed your daughter to be around someone who used an illegal substance.
You can’t change somebody and inevitably they are going to do what they WANT to do. I know this from experience with my ex-husband (the father of my son) and his weed and alcohol addiction.
I left him when my son was 2 and I can say that doing what is best for your child is always easier to sustain than you would think.
I would definitely have him take a “random” surprise drug test and then proceed to deal with the lying issue… which to me is definitely a deal breaker for a marriage (atleast before the i do’s).
Sorry you’re in that situation… I remember, it’s terrible.. but it’s not impossible. I’ll be praying that you have the strength you need to do what you need to do and stand strong to accept nothing less than what you and you’re daughter deserve… a king that can treat his queen and princess like they are the most precious things in the world! 😉
Post # 36
Not to start a debate… But even if she does leave him, he is still the father, and might still be in a car with his daughter and get pulled over and searched… As long as he is using drugs, his daughter could be exposed, no matter if OP marries him or not.
On another note, I understand it being a dealbreaker – I would not even go on a date with someone who uses drugs or even smokes cigarettes… I mean, if something could eventually be a dealbreaker, why even start?
But, it doesn’t have to impact your daughter’s life… I learned at 25 years old that my father had smoked marijuana all my life and had just quit 5 years before. It was a shock. But, like OP, my mom didn’t like it and asked him to quit when she became pregnant. He didn’t. But they had a life and a family, and had she not found the weed, she would have never known. And he was good to her. When weighing the pros and cons, my mom realized she wanted him in her and my life. So they worked through it, became more open with each other, and my dad managed to limit his use, enough so that I never knew about it and he never used around my mom either. He eventually stopped when HE was ready for it.
I know I’m going in all sorts of directions here, I told you before what I would do in your situation, and now I’m telling you what my mother did when she was in your shoes. I’m really happy she stuck with him because he’s the most awesome father one could hope for, and his mj use never affected my life.
All this to say that all is not black and white, and you need to think through it really well for your daughter’s sake.
Post # 37
I didn’t read through the other posts, so I apologize if my point has already been made:
Personally, I think this issue has nothing to do with weed. It, however, has everything to do with you making a firm boundry against something, and he lying and betraying your trust.
I would leave, personally. This isn’t the first time you’ve told him NO MORE, & if you stay, it won’t be the last. Continuing to stay with someone despite your threats to the contray will eventually lead to an unhealthy and unhappy relationship anyways, due to the fact that he will learn to view you as a doormat. If you demand respect, you have to be willing to leave if you don’t receive it. Point blank.
Post # 38
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
1. If you said you would cancel the wedding under these circumstances and you don’t, you’ll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache. (him not taking you seriously/him not honoring his word)
2. He is your baby’s father and fathers have rights too. So, you can’t keep your daughter away from him completely, and you shouldn’t. That wouldn’t be the right thing to do.
IMO, at the very least you should postpone the wedding until he gets his act together, for real. That could take months or maybe years, though I personally wouldn’t want to wait that long. He will only stop if HE wants to. I know this would be hard (and embarrassing) now, but trust me, it would be much harder later.
Post # 39
I had an ex (granted, it was in high school, but we dated for three years) who smoked weed almost every day, and definitely every weekend. He knew how much it hurt me to know he could get caught by his parents or the police, so he told me he stopped. He didn’t stop, he just got much better at hiding it. It was so painful to find out this one thing, a silly recreational thing, meant more to him than my security and happiness. I know how much it hurts to have your SO lie and go behind your back when it had been understood that certain things make you unhappy. I just can’t imagine being pregnant and planning a wedding and finding out :(. Best of luck to you.
Post # 40
Here’s the thing: He’s lying to you. And he’s going to KEEP lying to you. You have put yourself in a no-win situation. And it has nothing to with weed, just like PP’s said. If you knew about this AT ALL before, and it’s plain that you did, you should have made yourself abundantly clear that it was a total deal breaker. By staying with him for two years, agreeing to marry him, getting pregnant and bearing his child–you are condoning his actions. I don’t see this stopping. Because you never gave him any reason to. So if you really want him to quit? You have to say you’re leaving, and then you have to actually leave.
Post # 41
As simple as this sounds, people won’t break habits/seek help unless they really want to and have hit their “rock bottom”. No amount of demanding them to do so will make them stop, unless they truly want to.
It doesn’t matter what it is he is doing, if it bothers you, it bothers you.
You have to do what’s best for you and your child and that’s something you have to do on your own, and all the power and strength to that.
Peace & Love!
Post # 42
“and then you have to actually leave”
Post # 43
exactly about the rock bottom. I’m in NA and true there are alot of stories being told of harsher drugs or paths that people went down then mine. My main doc was marijuana but that doesnt lessen the addictiveness of it. It’s a personal choice to be in recovery or become an active abuser again. I have more to gain in recovery(self worth, family, life, and an awesome outlook on life) vs. abusing substances including alcohol. She needs to remember that its just material things(wedding junk) and stuff you own together. She will have emotional and physical support from people who care and understand her if she chooses to disolve her relationship with him as it stands.
Don’t forget what you will not stand for. It’s all about choices and even if you have to get thru hour by hour or less than that IT”S OK 🙂 Anyone can email me, I’m pretty open about my choices and I can’t wait to become a Mrs. in exactly 60 days from today. 🙂
Post # 44
Unless he wants to stop no amount of begging or nagging is going to make him.
I know someone whose husband lost an potential job because of pre-drug test. Do you think that made him wake up to get off it now. Years later he also lost his well paying FT job because of weed, again. And i doubt he has since stopped either. Thing is he and her were pot heads before they got marriged and early in their marriage. She stopped years ago and wants him to, but thats not how the cookie crumbles.Its hard to feel sympathy when she knew going in what it was. Did she really expect him to change? Believe in taking people for who they are when you marry them, and not expecting a huge change. So if this is truly a deal breaker, as much as it hurts, move on.
Post # 45
I think you should follow your gut feeling, and it seems as though it is telling you to postpone/cancel the wedding. There’s a lot that needs to be sorted out before you make that commitment to each other. He needs to earn your trust back. It starts by telling the truth, especially when he’s caught! Take the time to think about how you want your family to be like. Talk to him about it and have him be open and honest with you. I agree with the drug test and counseling things. No matter what, y’all are to be honest with each other to stick by each other. People have flaws and you can love them despite the flaws, but when they betray you, you just can’t overlook the troubles. Stay strong and think about it, do you really want him as your lifelong partner if he can’t even tell you the truth?
Post # 46
Smoking weed is stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I love marijuana. But you’re missing out on potential employment and could potentialy be arrested.
He lied to you and that sucks. But like some PPs have said, it obviously wasn’t a “deal-breaker” for you because you’ve been with him for two years and have chosen to have a child with him. So either leave or leave him alone about it. Pick one.