Post # 1
So I’ve been weighing out the pros and cons of changing/keeping my name and I really can’t decide!
When the topic of marriage first came up I had said I would never change my name. I have very unique first and last name but no middle name. I like how it sounds together and if I were ever to do something like publish a paper or appear on film I would want my maiden name used regardless. FH was fine with it, he said that keeping my name wouldn’t make us any less married and if that’s what made me happy then I could keep it.
Then I start to think of having a different last name from my future children or being called Mrs. (insert FHs painfully common last name here) and awkwardly correcting people that it isn’t my actual name but also wonder if that’s just in my head and it’s really not that big of a deal. I’m thinking kids future teachers, their friends parents, his coworkers that may know I’m his wife but not rememeber my first name, those kind of social settings.
I thought I had found a nice middle ground by bumping my maiden name to my middle name and having the same last name as FH. The idea made FH so happy that I was like,”Yep, that’s it, that’s what I’m doing!” But now that we have a date set and my dress has been ordered I’m having second thoughts about the name. The caterer wrote my first name with his last name for my contact info on the contract and it just looked so wrong to me. Also really long! My first name has 7 letters and his last name has 8, my last name has 5.
It might be worth adding that my last name is more than likely NOT going to be passed down from my sister or any of my cousins either and hyphenating has been discussed but again, so long. Remebering that the last name is going to die with my dad and uncle made the aprehension set it.
Post # 2
Honestly, that is something that you will have to decide. In your case, if it were me. I would just change my middle name to my maiden name and take his last name.
Personally I am dropping my last name all together and just taking his because I love my middle name.
Post # 3
What if you made his last name your middle name? I didn’t change my name but I also don’t correct people who assume I have his name. Those people mean no harm so I see no point in correting them. The only people I will correct (and have only had to do this once) was my husband’s family as they know I kept my last name and were being passive aggressive about it because they are very traditional . I don’t really understand the desire to have the same last name as my children because my mom never changed her name, my stepmom never changed hers, and my aunts never changed theirs so I’m very used to multiple last names in the same family. Also, there is nothing written in stone that says the kids get the dads last name – 2 of my cousins have their moms last name and the dad didn’t care at all. In the end it’s up to you and do what you feel comfortable with.
Post # 4
If this helps, I have a different last name than my daughter and she’s almost 17. We’ve never once had an issue with having different last names. No problem at school, doctors appts, nothing. It’s easy peasy. It’s pretty common now.
Post # 5
I’m not changing my name but have no issues with people calling me Mrs Hislastname. Also a verrryyy common last name lol. I wouldn’t correct them, they don’t really need to know (or care) what your legal name status though.
Post # 6
You already said that your potential kids would have his last name and that hyphenating is not an option, so your grief over your last name ending with your dad/uncle isn’t really relevant.
Just decide what’s more important to you and what feels right. I think the argument of having a long last name (letter count wise) is a little knit-picky and ridiculous, and sounds like you’re just trying to find excuses to not take it.
It sounds like you don’t want to take it, and that’s fine! You don’t need any other reasons than you don’t want to. Do what will make you happy and stick to it.
Post # 7
This is a personal decision. My Darling Husband told me how important it was to him that I had the same last name. He definitely didn’t push me into it, but I knew it meant a lot to him. And, honestly, I think it’s kind of fun to change it. It’s a nice change in life that signified my past from my future. It’s something that I embrace. We’ve been married 1.5 years and I still look at my last name and smile. 🙂
Post # 8
If it helps, I added my FH’s last name to my maiden name, with no hyphen. So my name is: Stephanie Alexandra MylastName HislastName. This way I can go by Ms. Mylastname, or Mrs. Hislastname, or both, depending on what I’d like to do!
Post # 9
I see women often saying one of their primary reasons for changing their name is to have the same last name as their kids. But why is it the default assumption that the kids will get his last name and not hers?
Post # 10
I always thought that I would take my future husband’s last name, and surprised myself by changing my mind by the time we got serious about marriage. I didn’t take his last name and have no regrets. I am established in my career (as a barrister, so I am well known in my area with my own name) so it didn’t make sent from a business standpoint. More than that though, I found that I just didn’t want to change it. It’s ok to like your maiden name, and no need to apologize for it! My husband and I are no less a family just because our last names are different.
Post # 11
I didn’t change my name and it hasn’t been a problem. I do occasionally get addressed as Mrs Hislast but I just let it slide when it’s not something important like an official document. It’s not a big deal at all, though I don’t have kids to I can’t speak for that.
Since you don’t have a middle name you could put his last name as your middle name if you wanted.
Post # 12
I agree that the angst over the last name “dying” with your dad and uncle is misplaced unless you intended to pass it on to children. Indeed, I don’t believe in children automatically taking a man’s name AT ALL if the woman doesn’t share his name. That should be negotiated, IMO, the same way first names are.
For me, my dad wanted to change his (12 letter German) last name to my mum’s (4 letter English) surname when they married, but she refused. Given that, I didn’t feel the need to pass the name on (my father had no brothers and no sons), and I changed my name when I married. Honestly, whether you are happy about changing your name or not, it takes some getting used to at first. It does feel “wrong” the first 50 times or so you sign your new name.
So it’s your call. If your surname is a big part of your identity, then keep it. But the name will still “die” either way unless you pass it to children.
Post # 13
I guess keeping it for just an extra generation sounded really nice to me but you guys are right, that’s a weird thing to be hung up on. Maybe just some pre-weddings jitters because it came out of no where too.
My dad has a first, middle and two last names and he always complained about how long his name was so that’s where that comes from.
I actually never thought of giving one of our kids my maiden name. I have one aunt who did it with her daughter out of spite but don’t personally know anyone else who has done that. That’s an interesting point to bring up to FH. Thanks for your input and making me realize that most of it is in my head and vast majority of the world will care very little about my legal name.
Post # 14
In your case, maybe you could just go by his last name socially and “The His Last Names” as a family, but not actually change it? That’s basically what one of my friends has done and it’s worked for her.
Post # 15
girlandherpearl : I did the same thing. I haven’t had to change anything except my passport.
I have two first names and no middle name and two last names. The missing middle name seems to be a hard to grasp concept in the US 😂