(Closed) Should I come clean, how?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The truth will set you free. Better to tell him now, from your own mouth then having someone else or something happen and he finds out. I would tell him..

Post # 4
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

if you love your husband you would tell him

Post # 5
Member
45627 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Instead of taking advice from strangers with no expertise on the subject, I suggest you go see a professional marriage counsellor for guidance.

Post # 6
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@julies1949: —> THIS

Go for one-on-one counselling first… and then go together if need be.  A trained counsellor can help you work thru the issue.

 

Post # 7
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This has been on your mind for years. I agree – please consult a professional before you make this decision.

I am not and never will be an advocate of cheating, but there are circumstances here that have to be considered. Be prepared for this to destroy your relationship. 

Please see a professional – your choices are to let it go or tell your husband. I can see that lettin g it go has not worked well and I believe professional guidance can help you with that. Otherwise, prepare for a major lifestyle change if you come clean. You know him better than anyone – do you think he could forgive you?

Post # 9
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t necessarily have the answer for you but I have some thoughts after reading your original thread from a year ago:

Before you moved away, you guys were not exclusive. Though you decided you’d be exclusive once you left, you hadn’t had much of a foundation to stand on as monogamous partners yet. True, this happenned a month after you got there, but you had just come off of a non-exclusive situation and were still adjusting – that’s hard to do if you’re not with the other person there (and if you’re 19).

Normally, I’d want to know about this kind of thing if I were the person who was cheated on. But I think your circumstance is a bit different considering your history.

You feel guilty because you care about your husband a lot, and you don’t want to hurt him. But you haven’t cheated since then and you don’t have any intention to.

Much more time has passed and you have developed a more adult, stable relationship.

Before, you were 19, just coming of a non-exclusive arrangement and were adjusting. But it didn’t happen again after that one time.

I think, with those circumstances, you can forgive yourself for what happened. (I’d say different if you were already monogamous before you left.)

I think the tough part now is that you feel pressure to talk about it because of the other guy moving into town. I get that you’re worried and anxious about him talking about it to others.

I guess if that’s a real possibility, then it’s better it comes from you in a more gentle way. He’ll likely be hurt, but maybe he can understand given what your circumstances were.

Then there’s the time factor – why’d you wait so long to tell? (You’re in quite the conundrum.) You mentioned in the original thread that it happened once and after that you would never dream of repeating it. So, since your relationship started to mature you considered it part of your non-exclusive past.

If it were me, now with the presence of the guy in your town, I’d probably talk about it… even though you never want to do something like that again. But that’s your decision to make…

Hopefully therapy brings some good answers for you.

 

Post # 10
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

@alieisalie:  After reading your previous post and this one I’m going to say I don’t think you need to tell him at all. You have been letting guilt eat you alive for years and it’s time to put it to rest. Go see a therapist ASAP because this isn’t even about him forgiving you if you tell, it’s about you forgiving yourself for something you did when you were 19, in a long distance relationship that had only been going on for a month. Go see a therapist and work on building yourself up. If you really can’t let this go (it doesn’t look like you can) tell him but don’t do it when you’re all worked up. Do it after some time in therapy and your thinking clearly.

Post # 12
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I am going to just say this. Is it worth your relationship to tell the truth?

I can promise you that the truth may set YOU free but it *will not* set your husband free.

 

Personally I feel like if it’s a one time, drunken thing, don’t tell him. Trust is a very complicate thing to rebuild and I would argue that once broken it may never be rebuilt. I think telling him in a way would be selfish because you will get to move on and then he will have to live with this new information…or the alternative which would be to divorce you.

 

You also have a child. It’s really not worth it to potentially break up your family because you stumbled on top of someone one drunken night.

 

Move on, try not to think about it and in time the guilt will pass.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@alieisalie:  I think it’s ok to lump it into one affair, again considering your history together at the time.

It’s eating at you a lot, so you shouldn’t be living with those feelings every day. BUT, he may not see it in such a “that was our past” kind of way. Hopefully he can understand it was very much to do with the nature of your relationship up until you moved, and then you adjusted and were fully committed to him after that. But, he may not take it so well…

If you do tell him, it’ll be a lot to take in for him. Maybe try to keep your sentences short and to the point about where your relationship was at the time, what happened, and how you’ve been totally committed since then. The short sentences will be easier for him to process and maybe it’ll give you the chance to say everything you need to say before he locks you out to process it…

Post # 16
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If it was a one/two time thing and you were on rocky terms and not neccessarily exclusive with your SO and in a long distance relationship, personally, I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’m sorry that you are feeling so guilty, but I wouldn’t let it bother me if I were in your situation. What’s done is done and you can’t change it. I think you should find a way to let the guilt go. I think if you tell your husband then you are admitting that you did something wrong (when you didn’t) and that’s asking for trouble. If he somehow finds out you slept with that guy then you can tell him it happened while you two were broke up (because to me it sounds like you were).

Now begs the question, is there some secret reason you want your husband to know that you slept with that guy? Why do you keep thinking about it?

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