(Closed) Should I confront my older sister about her parenting? (LONG)

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

Your sister is an unhealthy parent to both children. Has she always been a narcissist? 

If you are able to get time with Anna away from your sister often I would try taking her to therapy if there is some way you can, or even maybe call CPS. This is emotional abuse, try recording some of her conversations with you about Anna and how she speaks to her directly. Is your sister a single mum? Have you spoken with her husband if not?

Post # 3
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

This is hard.  You need to stay in that child’s life and I’m afraid if you mentioned it to your sister, it could end badly.  The last thing you want is to cut off from your sister and her family.  It sounds like you already have a strong relationship with Anna, and that needs to continue.  I would probably keep quiet (or make little comments “I don’t see that, she is a sweet girl, give her a chance”)  and keep the relationship strong with Anna.

Post # 4
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
maymrswinks :  For a start, I would have called her out on calling Anna a heifer. That is an almost unforgivable thing to do. Calling her “not that smart” is also a terrible thing to do. They are things you should never say to your child. Ever. You don’t need to be a parent to know that. I hope I would have had the courage to say something like, “How dare you say that to a 10 year old!”. ETA, or “You can’t say that to a child!” or “Don’t ever say things like that to a child. It’s a sure way to destroy her self-esteem”.

Aside from calling her out on things like that, I would probably take the approach of subtle things: spending time with Anna, praising Anna in front of your sister, etc.

Post # 5
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Wow I feel bad for that girl. But…I don’t really think confronting the mom is going to do anything- like you said she’s stubborn, your mom has spoken with her, and you even shared your true feeling once and she didn’t get over it for a year. Sorry op- some people are just like that, they reject the good acting/smart kids and reward and favorite the bad ones. Ive seen it happen before and I don’t think there is any changing these types of people.

My grandmother once said that she thinks some people are like that because the bad kid is more like themselves, so they favor the bad and put down the good.

Post # 6
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Oh, my heart breaks for this poor little girl. Honestly I would do everything I could to take her into my home. Realistically, I understand that is likely not an option.  I encourage you and your mother to present a united force for Anna. Invite her over, treat her to little things, and encourage her as much as possible. Is there a father in the picture? I might try talking to him, gently of course. Just ask if he’s noticed the difference in how she treats the girls or mention that you heard that Anna was being called names and it worried you. To me, it would be worth it to have your sister mad if there was a glimmer of hope that she might see the damage she is causing. This kind of discrepancy in treatment of children not only destroys their self esteem and relationship with the parent, but also with the siblings who were praised while they were snubbed. 

Post # 7
Member
13732 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I don’t know how you didn’t call her out on the things she said right there and then.  Where is the father in all this? 

Post # 8
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Can she live with you and your husband? I actually mean this sincerely. The way your sister speaks to and of her is utterly horrible. And, now she is saying she just wants her out of her house. She is a throw-away child in her own home. No one should have to live like that.

Post # 9
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
snowbelles :  “I don’t really think confronting the mom is going to do anything-“

Maybe. But when a mother says “I called Anna a heifer”, I think being silent is even worse. 

Post # 10
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
beemyhandsome :  Good point. Different fathers? Is the new child the daughter of the current (or favoured) partner?

Post # 11
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

Oh Wow that’s horrible! how can a mom bully her own child like that?! I’m so mad right now

She’s definitely is in the wrong! any idea what happened between the years with their relationship? adding another child really made her get that mean to her oldest daughter? 

Please continue giving your niece the  support and love that she needs if nothing is going to change. 

Kids already have hard time at school with peers why would she make it miserable for her own child at home too? 

Maybe your niece  come stay with you! you sound like great aunt with great support and love. 

 

Post # 12
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Maybe it could be a Matilda/ Miss Honey situation…

Post # 13
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

My heart seriously aches for your niece. No child should be treated so poorly in their own home, I was once fired from a customer service job for calling out a customer for calling their four year old an idiot so I would not be able to sit quietly if this were my sister. Is there anyway at all that you could let her stay with you for a little while? Maybe just on weekends even? I understand that it is a big thing to take in a child, but that poor little girl will have major issues if she stays in that home. She is being mentally and verbally abused and unfortunately, I think your sister would take her anger out on her if you just outright said anything to her… how sad. 

Post # 14
Member
4541 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This would be a very huge problem for me and it is something that is definitely cutting down Anna and chipping away at her self esteem.

It’s a very tricky situation though and I can understand your thought process of treading lightly but I do think something needs to be said or done. It should be approached in a non accusatory way and all from “a place of love”, even though you’re seething. Your sister needs to understand the damage she is doing to her daughter and how her behavior and verbal abuse needs to stop, like yesterday…

Post # 15
Member
10451 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I teared up reading your post, that poor little girl. It actually reminds me of my mom and believe me this behavior from your sister is doing lasting damage. I don’t really know if people had ever confronted my mom about how she treated me as a child, I doubt it would have changed anything if anyone had since she doesn’t take criticism well at all.

What you can do is be that adult your niece can turn to, an adult who is supporitve and kind. It will be important for her to have that in her life. And if you were open to it I would consider taking her into your home. 

ETA: I do think you should call your sister out on her actions/attitude. This is impacting a child who can’t stand up for herself, she needs people to speak up for her.

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