(Closed) Should I cut my Mom and Sister out of My Life? Long-Need Support

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

HuysuzAyi33:  I am soo sorry that your mom & sister are not supporting you. Your Fiance makes you happy and that’s all that should matter. If they can’t be supportive and even pretend to be happy for you – I say don’t invite them to the wedding. Tell them and then stop talking to them. If they make any effort to change their behavior then reconsider but I wouldn’t put up with it. You are supposed to be happy and they are bringing you down. Forget them!

Post # 3
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I can understand minimizing contact with family who are selfish, immature, and hurtful….but cutting off all contact and disowning your own family members is extreme and really should only be reserved for those who are truly toxic and abusive.  Is not shoe shopping really going to be the last straw that gets her uninvited from your wedding?!?!

Your sister said something nasty in the heat of an argument, and nobody forced you to pay her rent. I think you need to stop paying her rent so you feel less resentful of her crappy (but not malicious) behavior. 

Post # 4
59 posts
Worker bee

HuysuzAyi33:  I’m sorry you have to be going through this. I have similar toxic relationships with my two sisters as well.

I think cutting off all contact may be a bit extreme, maybe just keep the contact to a minimum (holidays, birthdays etc). But for sure you should not be paying rent for your sister with her being so ungrateful. Honestly some people are just users. My sister was in a similar situation with an abusive husband. They seperated, thank goodness. My sister was obviously very hurt. But once she came back around hanging out with the family, she was still selfish, toxic, and even tried to steal money from my parents. Needless to say we have very minimal contact. I only ever call her to see how my nephew is doing. 

I think the first step here is to stop paying for your sister. She obviously doesn’t truly appreciate the sacrifice you are making for her when she can call you a bitch. And not letting you stay in the condo for one night just because her bf was there? Ridiculous. Seriously it seems like she has some weird entitlement going on, like you owe her to be doing all these things for her. Once your not supporting her, see if she still wants to pursue a relationship with you. She may even be the one to cut you out of her life! Sometimes family members really change once the money supply is gone. I have seen it firsthand! 


Post # 5
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

HuysuzAyi33:  First stop paying her rent. It’s insane that someone in their 30s has their sister paying rent & utilities. She’s using you. After the “miserable bitch” comment I would stop doing anything for her and yes I would also limit contact with her–all communication would be on a need-to-know basis.

Ask your sister if she still wants to be a part of your wedding. If she says yes, then allow it but don’t put yourself out to accommodate her. If she says no, respect that and move on with it.

Post # 6
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with what Lily said about your sister having an entitlement complex. Some people are just parasites in life. They will use people to get what they want; and when they finally have it, they discard the person once they no longer have any use for them.

You’ve been there for your sister supporting her through all of her crappy decisions in life and this is how she treats you? That’s messed up.

I support having minimal contact with them for the time being. And once your mom and sister realize that they need to EARN having a place in your life by treating you respectfully, then you can open up your life to them again. Sometimes, having distance from poorly behaving family members can be a good thing.

I can speak from first-hand experience from my father. He is a class-A narcissist and has a very big problem with respecting boundaries. One day after he said something particularly uncalled for, i cut off all contact with him for about a year. Then, when he finally learned that he can’t say whatever he wants without there being consequeneces, he slowly started to act more maturely and respectfully toward me. 

So it may take a while, but if you draw a line in the sand with your sister and mom and make it clear what you will and won’t put up with, things can get a lot better in the long run.

Oh, and STOP paying for your sister immediately. Stop, stop, stop. If you continue paying for her, it’s like rewarding bad behavior and she will have no incentive to change. She has to get her shit together and start paying her OWN way. Your money is yours and not hers from here on out.

Post # 8
1463 posts
Bumble bee

As an outsider, we can’t tell you whether or not you should cut your family out of your life for good — only YOU know the answer to that question.  But given what you wrote, it is clear that your sister is a very selfish and immature person so I would recommend NOT sharing so much of your wedding details with her and stop expecting her to do all these wedding activities with you.

Your wedding will only be really important to you and your Fiance, so it actually normal for other people to not show as much enthusiasm for your wedding plans. But given how toxic your mom and sister are behaving towards you, if I were in your shoes, I would totally and completely STOP ALL wedding convos with them and just treat them as an “out of town” guest that you are not that close to.  Just send them the pertinent information like date/location/time, etc. but leave everything else out and only share it with people who genuinely love and support you 110%.

Additionally, girl you need to stop supporting your sister ASAP.  I understand how it was out of the kindness of your heart and your desire to see her safe that you offered to pay 1/3 of the rent, but it should NOT have been for this long.  From my own experience and what I have seen around me, people who are given “free” stuff NEVER appreciate the value of it.  It is only when they have to really work hard and go through the toils that they appreciate what it is they earned.  Your sister’s sh*tty attitude indicates that she is an ungrateful, immature, and extremely self-centered person who feels very entitled for what she has.

People like this will never see the “error” of their ways if you continue to be a doormat and are generous/giving to them when they do not reciprocate in kind.  I know this is your mother and your sister, but being family does not give free license to forget basic good manners and be a b*tch.  You need some STRONG boundaries around your mother and sister, otherwise, this will be your life — where you give and give and give, and all they do is take and resent you for it.

Post # 9
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

HuysuzAyi33:  Being someone in a similar situation (mom and sister make everything about them, I’m beneath them, etc.) and I have 100% decided that, after this wedding is over, they’re out.  I love my dad more than anything, but I wont let people constantly put me down.  

My line of thinking is – just because someone is family, does not mean they’re entitled to treat you like garbage.  Do what you have to do to make sure you have the life you want.

Post # 12
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015


I would give the notice now. There is no reason you need to be paying for her bills. She has a fiance, let him pay for half the rent on her new Place. I would be worried that she may not pay the bills to spite you if you get in another fight. 

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