Post # 1
This is honestly my first online post EVER. Here is my story. I recently graduated with a B.S. I had the hopes of going off to grad school in the fall but that planned folded. Ive been with my fiance for 4 years. He’s amazing, truly amazing he loves me with out fault. I know he would step in front of a bullet for me. I love him so very much as well. Out proposal was amazing, it was everything that I could of asked for. My ring is PERFECT, this is the ring every girl dreams for. Seriously. We’ve been engeged since August, my inital plan was to wait to get married in 2013, however, since I’m living with the parents right now, not in school yet, and without a “real” job, the timing seems right to get married before I start school next fall. That is if i get in to a program this time.
About 3 years ago I went through a nightmare, I had a surgery that failed, and left me physcially and emotionally scarred. To this day it still haunts me. I just don’t feel happy. I had this discussion last year with him, that i needed to find myself. He agreed and we went on a break. The break didnt work so well, we ended up back together after a week, he couldn’t handle me not calling and talking to him all the time.
So here we are, he just had a major surgery and now is in a wheelchair. When I think of the wedding and planning i feel sick. Like someone screaming STOP!! I’ve been in a relationship since my freshman year of highschool with about a month between the 3 guys. I’ve never really been on my own. Part of me wants to have fun, to go out make mistakes, and even have a one night stand. The other part of me wants to spend the rest of my life with my fiance. I want to build our lives together, I want to move in and have “our” stuff. He is truly amazing and wonderful in every aspect of the word. My parents adore him and his love me as well. We can finish each other sentences, we have the same since of humor and can laugh for hours of the dumbest things.
I really don’t know what to do. help.
Post # 3
@Sunray2389: If you truly want to spend the rest of your life with him, the one night stands, the partying and such, will cease to be a desire for you. I married my second boyfriend. It was weird because I never had those experiences before, but I realized they weren’t worth it to lose him over. Now we party together, and I love him all the more for it.
Post # 4
thanks for the reply, yeah I do enjoy going out with him, but I also enjoy going out with just the girls and having random guys hit on us. Another big factor is, if I do get into a school program that will require me to move. He has a good paying job here and said he will move if I do but there is no garuntee that he will be able to get a job there. If he cant get a job where I am then we will be apart shortly after we get married. :/ That really scares me, not to mention double rent and more loans for me.
Post # 5
honestly, it sounds like you want to spread your wings a little bit. do not worry about what your family thinks of him- if they’re anything like my parents all they really want is for you to be happy.
i think you know in your heart that this is not what you want right now. marriage is HARD and you need to be completely there and present; not wishing you were somewhere else with someone else doing something else.
please, go live your life and have experiences and if it’s meant to be you will come back together.
Post # 6
@Sunray2389: It sounds to me that at this point in time you need to go out and do all the things you feel like you’ve “missed out” on. If you were really ready for this, you wouldn’t even be entertaining those thoughts.
I used to be kind of a party girl a long time ago, dating a million boys and making huge mistakes (this is a good thing…you make mistakes to learn from them.) Every single guy I was ever with eventually bored me and I wanted to go out and “have fun” again. Then I met Danny and I realized the most fun I ever had in my life was him. I no longer had a desire to go out and meet guys and this and that and the other, I was just happy being with him…which is why I decided to marry him. I don’t know how I would have felt about him if I didn’t experience…well…life? before I met him, but once I had him I never thought of those things again because he was enough.
If the guy you’re with isn’t enough for you right now (and I’m not saying this meanly, this is just a statement) then I think you have to go out and see what’s out there. If you’re meant to be together you will be in the end. ^_^
Post # 7
You have a right to your youth. I understand you don’t want to hurt him, and likely think you’ll never meet someone else if you let him go… but you have to have this single girl phase to get it out of your system. If you two are truly meant to be together, neither one of you will fall in love with someone else, and eventually you’ll re-unite.
Post # 8
@Sunray2389: I disagree with the others. If you break up with him now for good in order to find yourself, it is unlikely that you will get back together and if you do, your relationship will be seriously damaged since you dumped him in order to have fun.
You have a dilemma. You want to enjoy life AND be with the love of your life. My question is, why can’t you do both? Part of getting married is building a life together full of activities and interests that you can share and do separately. If you love him, you can stay with him and still build your own character at the same time. Trust me, having a few one-night-stands to get it out of your system will only make you feel more empty. Work on your relationship.
It’s normal to feel nervous. It’s normal to feel confused. It’s not normal to dump the love of your life in order to have fun at the bar with your girlfriends.
Sorry to be blunt; I really do empathize with you. I’d just hate to see you make a decision and regret it. I guess you have to take a chance either way, though.
Post # 9
I agree with @mamadingdong:. Marriage is hard, and it really does not sound as if you are ready for marriage. It IS possible to truly value, appreciate and have deep emotions for someone and still not have that person be the right person for you, or not have the timing be right for you to enter into the lifelong commitment of marriage.
Please know that I am in NO way advocating for you to go out and engage in meaningless connections with random men and party. That is not at ALL why I am saying this. I believe you eventually would discover that those things are not satisfying, that they come with all sorts of risks and negative consequences, and that they usually are not a good foundation for finding and building a strong, lasting relationship that leads to marriage. Rather, I am saying this because, if you truly love your fiance, you know that he deserves to have a wife who is certain that she wants to be with him forever, forsaking all others, ’til death do you part. He deserves to have someone who wants to be with him, not someone who is with him out of loyalty only or a desire not to hurt him or a desire to take the least confrontational, most well known path. No one would want to be in a marriage with someone who spent the rest of her life wondering, “What if??” — someone who is longing to go out and see what else may be out there.
Likewise, YOU also deserve to enter into a marriage with a sense of peace, joy, and excitement about what is to come. It is not fair to YOU to marry him now out of convenience (the timing) or a sense of duty, or a sense of guilt that he stood by you through your surgery and the scars that you have endured and that you would be abandoning him while he is recovering from his surgery. It would be very hard for you to be content under these circumstances. There is nothing wrong with you changing your mind about your engagement. Although engagement does represent the intent to move forward into the permanent commitment of marriage, it also is the last opportunity for someone to re-evaluate the relationship and to change his or her mind. It is MUCH better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
You are still very young, and it is OK if you don’t really know for sure what you want in life, even though you care deeply for your Fiance. You really should listen to your “gut,” about whether or not you truly are ready to make this lifelong, permanent commitment.
Post # 10
@Sunray2389: I can relate to your situation. I have been with my SO for 6.5 years…we’ve had 2 breaks. We started dating when I was only 20 (he was 19). While I had dated people prior, I had a problem committing to SO. We lived together for a few years, and we broke up after about 3 years together. I took time for me. We got back together, and the same thing happened a year later. I again took time for me, going out with friends and enjoying the attention I got from guys. And then, suddenly, it clicked. It’s as though I got everything “out of my system” and I was ready to settle down. And, thank goodness, SO and I reconnected. I am a lucky girl. Like PPs, if the temptation of going out still lures you, you are not ready to fully commit to your SO. And that doesn’t mean you love him any less, it just means you have to be painfully honest with yourself. When the time is right, you will KNOW. Which sounds cheesy and I didn’t believe it until maybe 6 months ago, but it’s completely true. Good luck.
Post # 11
I think you should go out and spread your wings. I do not, however, think you should try to get back with him after. Do what’s best for you. Certainly don’t let him move for you and lose his stable job if you’re having these thoughts.
Post # 12
I agree with the general sentiment that it sounds like you’re young and aren’t ready for a committment. Remember that he is in this with you right now, as well. It isn’t fair to him to keep him hanging on and thinking that you’re committed when you’d really rather be elsewhere. As much as you want to be out with your friends and meeting random guys, he wants to be finding a girl to settle down with that will be fully committed to him. Free yourself to have the experiences you want and let him free to find the person that he needs to be with.
I knew I was with the right guy when I couldn’t stand the thought of letting him go to find another girl. I knew we were the best thing for each other and I gladly gave up partying and lots of girls nights out for cuddling on the couch with him and our dogs.
Post # 13
Okay, I went through this too. And I left him for a while to do all and everything you listed. When I was done and reality hit me NONE of it was worth it. NONE of it was as vauable as the relationship I had let go. I will tell you that I was extremely lucky to get back with him and now marring the man of my dreams in July….. but that is not always how it works out. Most time you lose what you had and regret it. That’s my opinion.
On the other hand from my fiances point of view he felt strongly when we broke up “If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be” so there you have both sides.
Do what’s in your heart.
Post # 14
I think you should do what’s right for you, but I don’t think you should go back to your SO if you choose to leave him.
Post # 15
Thank you all for the advice, last week I sat down and talked to him. I told him how I feel and that I dont think that I’m ready to get married. It was honestly one of the hardest decisions I have made. Once I convayed all of my thoughts and feelings he understood where I was coming from and agreed to postpone the wedding. He said all he wants is for me to be happy, whether that is with him or not. He truly is amazing and understands all the Sh*t that I’ve been forced to deal with in my life. After deciding that we should wait, I heard back from the job that I have been waiting on for weeks. I got it! Talk about instant rewards. I feel like this was the right move for me/us. 🙂
Post # 16
@Sunray2389: I’m sure that was very hard, but I’m glad you’re taking steps to do what’s right for your relationship