Should I drop my friend off 20 years after my wedding?

posted 7 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 35
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

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@katebluestone:  
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@workingonmynightcheese:  I completely agree with everything you wrote in your posts. 

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@lizardblizz17:  OP don’t blame yourself. Life is never a straight line, so each of us will encounter really bad ups and downs as we go through life. Part of being a good friend is to BE THERE for each other through the good and bad, not to mention ugly times. 

I understand about being in pain and not being able to muster up energy. But the people WHO DO, who can set aside their own stuff to be happy, caring, and supportive to others regardless of what’s going on in their life… THOSE are the people who are really worth having around in our lives and should be considered our nearest and dearest.

People can have their different opinions. But OP, it’s not wrong to want to surround yourself with people who can put aside their stuff to be there for you during your milestone moments if you’re the type to do that for others.

Post # 36
Member
2377 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

From what is written, I can’t tell if your friend has a personality flaw or depressed. Either way is not your problem to fix, but I would have a lot more compassion for the latter. In any case, you mentioned you had a conversation with her on the one-sidedness of the friendship already. Personally I’d demote her to a casual friend and move on with life. Life is too short to spend time as an adult caught up in friendship drama. 

Post # 37
Member
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@lizardblizz17:  I had an almost exact situation with my best friend from high school at my wedding and wedding events. You can find my post under my profile and read it if your interested. 

in summary my best friend also clearly was having issues being happy for me as well. My friend was a bit more agressive and obvious than yours. She made faces of disgust, was downright rude at my rehersal dinner and was a bridesmaid but blew off getting ready with me and the other bridesmaids and didn’t show up at all until it was time to drive to the venue in the limo because she decided escorting her boyfriend from the airport to the venue was more important ( aka she met him at the airport in the morning and decided to do touristy things instead) she made a face during my dads speech too when my parents have been her surrogate parents ever since her mom died in high school. 

I stewed over it for weeks afterwards and finally sent an email to her outlining my disappointment that she couldn’t even pretend to be happy for me. I said I was happy to rekindle a friendship when she was ready to talk about why she did what she did and apologize. She clearly got my email and unfriended me on Facebook but never responded. For 99% of the last year since I have been glad I said what I did. Until she is at a point in her life where she is happy with herself and thus can be happy for others she is toxic. 

Post # 38
Member
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Just wanted to add that, when a friend is having a hard time and is open and honest about it, that’s one thing. But being cruel and mean spirited and not making any effort to communicate isn’t ok in a friendship. No matter the hardship you aren’t allowed to just be a shit friend and go out of your way to be mean and then expect it’s going to be ok. OP’s friend could have said she couldn’t attend the wedding, or clued her into how she was strugling. Instead she opted for being an asshole. 

Post # 39
Member
1429 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t believe only one other person mentioned this. But there’s a very good chance your friend is suffering from depression. And I don’t mean she’s a little sad about her divorce. I mean she may be suffering from clinical depression which could be dampening her ability to actually feel emotions. If this has been going on for a while maybe it’s time to check in with her and see if she needs to reach out to professionals for help.

Post # 40
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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@cart:  I dunno I think dropping a friendship that you had since you were a young child and now you are in your 30s is a big thing. This isn’t exactly a short term friendship where it’s been a few years and ehh you drifted apart. I don’t think dropping a friendship of 20+ years is a common occurrence. If someone has been my friend for that long they are family to me and I would work really hard at keeping them in my life. The fact that you can just so casually say people drop friendships of 20 years all the time is no big deal is a little concerning. 

Post # 41
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1999 - Tacoma, WA

If the wedding was a one-off situation, I would say to have more empathy, but you said this has been going on for 10 years. It is time to cut ties. That is exhausting and unhealthy.

Post # 42
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you’re starting to grow apart, though it doesn’t sound like a friendship exploding circumstance. 

I actually had a similar situation with my former best friend, now amical acquaintance. She had a hard time being happy for me when I got married too for similar reasons. In all of our wedding photos she looked miserable and she got really drunk the night before the wedding with the groomsmen and then went to bed super early the night of my wedding (with one of the groomsmen lol) . 

I actually didn’t even really register it at the time. I understood that it was hard for her, and missing the party was her loss hahah, but our friendship slowly wore away after that. Ironically she basically disappeared out of my life last year once she got a boyfriend. 

I wouldn’t *drop* her, but i think it tells you what you can expect from the friendship and what you can’t. 

Post # 43
Member
3654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

 Well, since you don’t really give other examples, it’s hard to know about the larger context of being an “emotional vampire”.  But as someone who has been divorced, getting divorced SUCKS ASS.  Even if it’s the best choice and even your own choice, as it was for me, it’s still awful.  So try to cut her some slack for not being cheery and peppy, you know?

That said, life is short and if this friendship is bringing more stress and drama than it is enjoyment, it’s absolutely your right to distance yourself.

Post # 44
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

There were moments when I was going through my divorce when the word husband would cause me to have tears in my eyes.  I don’t know you or your friend, but I do know that divorce is a pain that is pretty hard to bear.  It doesn’t sound like she was rude to you, only unresponsive.  She may have been really struggling.

You are certainly entitled to do what you feel is best, but just know it may not have been about you at all.

Post # 45
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

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@fallisintheair256:  Well that’s exactly why I advocated not “dropping” them.  Moving on, getting busy with life, new spouses, kids, jobs, interests, and as a consequence drifting apart, is not at all unusual.  It happens in the best of circles and I’d venture a guess more people than not are only in occasional contact with their childhood BFF.  Maybe you haven’t experienced that yet.

It’s not my place to judge OP about who she chooses to stay friends with, I only tried to tell her not to be so quick to judge the friend’s actions because you literally never really know what’s going on in someone’s mind, particularly in the middle of a divorce.  Sorry my post was unclear to you. 

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