(Closed) Should I end it? Help!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

You’re not responsible for his happiness. You’re not required to stick around and take abuse from him. He is his own person, responsible for his own actions. Sounds like you need to set yourself free and find the happiness you deserve. You don’t need any of us to give you that permission. You can take it for yourself.

Post # 4
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

well… Darling Husband used to have depression (he’s been vary good for about six month and he’s not taking antidepressants anymore).

So i know how you feel… Darling Husband was never that bad though.

The fact that he refuses to get back on meds is a red flag to me.

Maybe you should call his parents so they talk some sense into him?

This other option might be more extreme… but might help you. One day just wake up and act miserable around him, and act like him, say that you feel life is worthless, etc.

Maybe that way you will shake him and he’ll know how it feels to love someone who behaves like that. But maybe im just being crazy.

I hope everything gets better.

Post # 5
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would only marry him if he were actively seeking help, and continued to do so throughout our engagement.  

Post # 6
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Have you told anyone that he is talking about killing himself?????? You NEED to go to his parents, his doctor, his boss, whoever can help with this!

 

Post # 7
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think that at the end of the day, staying with a mentally ill person just out of a sense of obligation is not the right thing.

However, if he is threatening his life, you NEED to get other family members (is he close to his family??) involved to help him. You should not take that on your shoulders alone, but you definitely shouldn’t ignore it, even if you decide to break up with him.

Post # 9
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You can love him but still know that the best thing for you would to be without him.  You are the most important person in your life.

Post # 10
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@likelimeade:  I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been with someone like that before, and it is so draining. But he has an illness. Even if it is an illness, it is TREATABLE!!! He has the power to turn it around, and if he does nothing to help himself, do not blame yourself. Please. 

To that end, I want to advise you not to enter into a union with a man who refuses to help himself. I think it would be wise of you to issue some ultimatims here to get him going. If he will not get help for his own sake, he may do it for yours. Tell him you refuse to marry him unless he is proactive on getting on the right track for both of you. There can be no marriage “for better or worse” if there is only one invested party. But do not do this unless you mean it. You have to be comitted to this tactic, or else he will call your bluff, and he will remain helpless and hopeless, but will know he can potentially manipulate you if he chose to. 

I commend you for seeking therapy for yourself. Most definitely talk about this scenario and get help in how to deal with him. It’s a tough road, and there’s no reason you should have to travel it on your own. 

Post # 12
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@likelimeade:  Ok, so maybe it doesn’t have to be an ultimatim necessarily, but why don’t you sit him down and tell him you’d like life to slow down a little? Let him know you understand he’s having a hard time, and you want to see him through it, so you’d like to postpone the wedding until Goal X Y Z has been met, and you can do this together. 

First thing’s first: therapy for him. Make the appointment and drive him there if necessary. Depression immobilizes people in ways they dont even recognize, so getting going is very important, and a step he may not even be able to make for himself. 

I would not even address a better job for him until after this basic goal is met. Let this be your only concern. But in the meantime, it won’t hurt to play up his strengths for a stealthy ego-boost. What is his specialty? Does he do anything exceptionally well? Compliment him for things he does well, or anything he does at all. Even if it’s something he should be doing every day, like folding / putting away laundry. Make him feel valued, because he obviously does not value himself right now. The more positive seeds you plant, the better chance they will take hold. But this will require diligence and patience. 

Post # 13
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Please worry about your own happiness first and foremost. I’ve been with 2 separate men who completely depended on me for emotional stability and it got me to the point where I was getting stress-induced episodes of cardiac arrhythmia (yes, that can happen)! I had to get out both times, and as hard as it was back then, I’ve never looked back. If he cared about you, he would want to do whatever he can to keep you, including staying in a relationship with you and seeking treatment. When I was with the first of the 2 men who were emotionally unstable, I ended up on anti-depressants myself. Then we parted ways right before I ran out of my prescription and I never needed to go back on them again. PLEASE, whatever you do, do it for yourself first. And if you stay with him, do not, no matter how much you love him, marry him until he’s committed to staying on the right track to his recovery. 

Post # 14
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

A friend of mine married a guy who sounds just like your guy.  They are now divorced after a few horrible years in which he constantly refused to get the help he needed, blamed her for his problems, said things like your fiance said to you (“Today, he said that he is pushing me away because then, when he kills himself, it won’t hurt either of us as bad.”) about killing himself, etc etc.  I know everyone is different, but this sounds like a very similar situation.  He needs to get help and he needs to WANT to get help.  If he does not want to get help for his depression, you should not stay with him.  Think of it like an addiction.  If he were addicted to cocaine, would you stay with him if he refused to get help?

Post # 15
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

If he is taking his depression out on you, you need to leave.  

Crohn’s disease is rarely fatal, and most people diagnosed with it live perfectly normal lives. But the biggest factor in that is their attitude. Someone with a defeatist attitude who feels sorry for himself is not going to live a very happy life. It’s not a death sentence and as long as he’s thinking of ending his life—well, he’s feeling sorry for himself and being VERY selfish. 

Unless his attitude changes very quickly and he accepts that he has a chronic disease that is incurrable, but not deadly, your life is going to be miserable. 

I have Systemic Lupus. There are times when I am in so much pain from all my joints swelling that I cannot lift my legs to get into bed or even put on my own socks. There are times when my skin is so sensitive that my husband hurts me just by touching me. I have to avoid the sun, which means I cannot spead time out on the beach with friends, and if I go out on a boat, it has to be one that has an awning like a pontoon boat so I can be out of the sun. During the times my Lupus flares, I cannot process things because my brain doesn’t work the way it should. Lupus is an autoimmune disease that means my body attacks itself. It can attack my liver, kidneys, lungs, heart, brain, etc.  I cannot have children because of its advanced stages.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I have a chronic disease that is incurrable. I endure extreme pain and I have to always be aware of what I’m doing because anything can bring on a flare.  But in spite of that, I love life. I am grateful every single day that I am alive and able to spend it with my wonderful husband. I do everything in my power to stay healthy, and when I’m sick, I do everything I can to get well again.  Feeling sorry for myself is NOT an option…even though I wish to God that I didn’t have SLE. 

Your Fiance has to realize that life is precious and to treasure everything, every gift (that means you) that he has in his life. He has to fight to live as normal of a life as he can. But if he can’t or won’t do that, you cannot make his life better and the outcome will be unhappiness for both of you.  

If you were married, I’d say stay with him, because marriage is for better or worse, for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health…  But you are not married yet, and you have the option to leave if he is not going to fight to have a normal, productive, happy life. 

Post # 16
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@likelimeade:  I highly suggest you get someone involved if he is threatening to end it all.

I’ve been where he is.  I have Crohn’s and had a serious bout of depression because of it. I’d been on antidepressants before and went off with the advice of my doctor.  A few years later, things got bad again.  I was right where your Fiance is now.  When I went to see my doctor, he was the one who basically handed me a prescription for antidepressants and a referral to a psychiatrist and said “You need to do this.  I wouldn’t be doing right by you as your doctor if I didn’t do this for you.”  

Please, call your FI’s GI doctor.  Tell him/her that he is profoundly depressed and has talked about suicide.  There are things doctors can (and are legally and ethically bound) to do to protect their patients.  

There is light at the end of this horrible tunnel.  He is lucky to have you.  But when you are in such a dark place like that, you often don’t feel worthy or deserving of that kind of help or love.  I commend you for sticking by him through such a hard time.  Crohn’s disease sucks and can be horrible at times.  I know…I ran through all the drugs (like Humira) really quickly (they either didn’t work or worked and then I became allergic) and was told I’d need to look into clinical trials.  My doc had me try one last one and I’ve been on it for almost 2 years and am in a good remission.  It can happen.  It just sucks it takes so long sometimes.  

Please feel free to PM me if you need support.  I am completely sympathetic to your situation!

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