- 6 years ago
Hello Bees! I’m a long time lurker, first time poster here. It has taken me months to finally decide to post here, in the hopes that I can receive some unbiased feedback on my current situation. I warn you, it’s a long story.
My fiance proposed to me about 7 months ago. We were a love at first sight type of couple and had been dating and living together for nearly two years before the proposal. I was happy he proposed and said yes, but was a little concerned that he didn’t have a ring. It wasn’t really that I wanted a ring. I was worried that he had proposed without meaning to. Let me explain…
A few days prior to the official proposal, he was really drunk and proposed to me while half asleep. I laughed because he was so drunk but then he told me he was being totally serious. I told him no because he was drunk and that he needed to go to sleep. The next morning I asked him about it, and he seemed uncomfortable and would not discuss it. I told him not to worry about it and left it alone. That night while out with a friend, he did the same thing again! At that point I was irritated and said if you want to propose please do it while sober. This behavior was very strange for him so I thought maybe he was just nervous about it… The next day, he suddenly proposed, but was sober, so I said yes! I noticed of course that he did not have a ring so I gently asked him about it. He mentioned that he did not know what kind of style I liked because I never wear jewelry, and was planning to take me ring shopping when we got back home from our vacation. I was so excited. I felt reassured that he really did want to propose to me because, initially, I was worried that it happened as a result of a drunken mishap a couple of days prior.
Well, we got home and we never went shopping. I didn’t care at first, since I have never been a jewelry-wearing type of girl. However, I began to get very concerned because any time I tried to talk about the wedding, he would shut down and get upset. I tried to bring it up carefully a few times, but he would just start yelling that it was too stressful for him and he didn’t want to think about it. I thought, “Ok, he has been married before, so maybe wedding planning is traumatic for him since his first marriage ended terribly.” So I resolved to do all of the planning myself. It was incredibly stressful since I have always been a tomboy and know nothing of weddings, but my fiance was firm that he did not want to be involved in the planning. His only request was that it be a big wedding. He wanted it to be a huge party. I obliged his request although I wanted a small wedding (which he knew) and planned everything myself. I asked family and friends to stand with us at the wedding and had everything ready to go. I was just waiting for his seal of approval to send out the invitations.
He was aware the entire time of the plans, because I would keep him updated and he never spoke against my ideas. When it was time to start sending out invitations, though, his tune suddenly changed. He said he did not want to spend money on a big wedding, the big wedding he requested. I said, that is totally fine with me, I always wanted a small wedding. So he said, great let’s have a small wedding. I began planning a small wedding. The ceremony would allow 10 people (our closest family and friends) and would be very cheap. It was everything I wanted. I was really happy about it. He went along with it for a month or so, but again, right when it was time to send out the invitations, he said he did not want to do it. He said he did not want to spend the money on it. I was in disbelief. It was so much cheaper than the original plan.
He grew very angry with me and said he did not want to pay for the wedding at all! He did not want to pay for an engagement ring, either. He said it was not fair. He said it was the bride’s fathers job to pay for the wedding which hurt me a lot because I was abandoned by my parents at a young age and so that was clearly impossible. I tried to understand and said, “Ok, I will pay for it then. I will pay for the wedding. It is only about $700. I can swing that myself.” I felt it was not fair because he makes so much more money than me (I am working part time because I returned to college to finish my degree) and he knew when he proposed that my estranged family would not be contributing. He said “Ok, fine.” and I thought that was finally the end of it. But it wasn’t. After I had made arrangements to pay for the wedding myself, he blew up and said he didn’t want me to pay for the wedding and didn’t want anyone I had invited to come (my extended family who fostered me and my best friend). He mentioned how they mistreated me in the past and that they should not come. I said yes, but your family has also made similar mistakes yet you have forgiven them and they are invited. He argued it was not the same (which I do not understand) and he did not want to get married with my family there, only his family should be in attendance.
At this point, I gave up entirely. He did not want to buy me an engagement ring or wedding set, he did not want to pay for or plan for the wedding, he did not want me to pay for everything, he did not want my family or friends (who yes, have made mistakes, but I have forgiven them) to attend our wedding. Nothing was good enough for him. I stopped planning the wedding entirely. He stopped being angry about it. I don’t understand why he proposed if he had no intentions on doing anything wedding-related. Then it dawned on me that perhaps my initial suspicions were correct. Maybe he never intended to propose at all and it was a drunken mistake.
I confronted him about it and he said that wasn’t true. He said he did intend to propose and he wants to get married, but he still reacts the same way to discussions regarding the wedding and the rings. He still does not want to pay for anything, does not want me to pay, doesn’t like any choice or suggestion I make, it makes no sense.
He still talks about us having a future though. He talks about us getting a house someday, he talks about us being together forever and having kids. I do not understand! Does he really want these things? I used to think he actually wanted a wedding, now it does not seem that way. How can I be sure he really wants a house and kids and to always be together? I no longer feel secure in the relationship and he knows that. Nothing has really changed, though.
Also, to be clear, it’s not that he won’t spend money on anything. He said he could not afford to buy me an engagement ring, then went out and bought new furniture, electronic playthings, tons of sports tickets, beer, etc. Which cost much more than what I asked for in a ring. He then admitted he just did not WANT to spend money on the engagement ring. I am worried what else he isn’t going to “want” to pay for in the future? Our children? Our house?
Am I being selfish? I don’t know what other compromises to make with him. I offered that we just go halfsies on everything and he said he doesn’t even want to pay that much. I have made peace with the fact we are very likely never going to get married. I have not made peace with the idea that I might be dealing with this situation over and over again in a permanent engagement. I’m worried that maybe I am not looking at things clearly. Is something wrong with how I am perceiving this situation? I am not sure what has happened to my fiance.
Should I end the engagement? I have thought about moving out, thinking maybe that will give him some time to reflect on himself and what he really wants… I am not sure what to do. I think he does really want to be with me but I can no longer be certain. Does his talks of future plans and vacations mean he truly does want to be with me? I am so confused by everything, I don’t know what to think anymore. Please help, fellow Bees!