Post # 1
Regular bee going anon for this one.
My husband and I got married about a year ago and I thought that I was incredibly happy. We have a great relationship, we get along, but there’s no passion and there never has been, he’s always been very safe for me. When I came back to work after the wedding I started working with a new co-worker who I developed an intense crush on. I know that crushes are normal but they weren’t normal for me. My husband and I had been together over 4 years at this point and I had never felt like that before. I’ve met guys that I felt a connection with while I’ve been in my relationship but it wasn’t something that I felt worried about and I think I even told my husband that that person was someone I’d be interested in if I were single. I couldn’t talk to my husband about this because my feelings were so intense. I felt so guilty and unhappy and didn’t know what was wrong with me. Nothing happened with my colleague but it opened my eyes that something wasn’t right. I mentioned to my husband that I wasn’t dealing with being married very well and he kind of brushed it off and I let him.
I met another guy in a bar a couple of months after that and gave him my number. He knew I was married and I know that giving him my number and texting him was a betrayal. Then I went on vacation with some friends and met someone and we kissed. I got home and I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty. It’s like I’m normalizing these actions and I’m fine with it, but now I’m finally realizing that something is very wrong. This kind of behavior is so out of character for me. I’m not someone who likes being dishonest or sneaking around, actually exactly the opposite. I know it sounds stupid that it took me this long but I’ve had my head buried in the sand. Since these behaviors are so self-destructive I can only think that I’m doing it on purpose because I settled and I’m not happy. My husband is a great guy but I think he came along at a time in my life when I wasn’t feeling that great about myself and he made me feel so good. He adores me and I think I thought that would be enough.
I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of ending the relationship. I’m 31 and I don’t want to start over at this point in my life. If I leave now I may be giving up my chance to have children. But I don’t think it’s fair to him to live like this either. If I decide to stay I will never tell him about what’s happened. He wouldn’t forgive me and our marriage would be over, which makes me wonder if that’s why I did it in the first place.
I get that I sound like a terrible person and I’m ready for all of the awful comments I’m going to get, but if anyone has experienced something similar I’d love some advice. Has anyone started over at this point in their lives? Do you think I would benefit from counselling before making any decisions? Did you get married only to realize that you settled?
Post # 2
I have never been through anything like this but I think what you need to do is try speaking to a counselor and figure out where your head is at. Concentrate on your marriage and maybe try new things with your husband to get that spark lit again. Ultimately if you really don’t feel the love for him that he obviously feels for you then you need to break it off because what you’re doing is not fair to him.
Post # 3
Yes you should get a divorce.
You’re meeting other men and kissing them to add some excitement to your boring unhappy life.
Set your husband free to find someone that will be faithful to him. Meanwhile you can play the field until you meet someone that makes your heart run and want to be loyal.
I don’t know if it’s your unhappiness with your marriage that is making you cheat and not feel bad about it or just plain immaturity and selfishness. Either way, get a divorce.
Post # 4
If your only reasons to stay with your husband are that you don’t want to start over and possibly not have children please leave.
Post # 5
Yes, counseling for sure. You need the support of a professional to help you figure out what’s going on inside your head. It is never too late to start your life over — NEVER — and sometimes it’s the best thing to do for both parties, but you need to make sure it’s what you want before you do anything else.
Post # 6
Love, after the courtship and wedding and honeymoon is a choice . You are choosing your behavior.
It’s a pretty immature choice after you took a vow to love aND honor your husband.
Stop looking and inviting others into your life until you figure this out.
Marriage is not full of intense infatuated feelings, it’s about deep rooted love for another and building your life around that. Maybe you just weren’t ready?
Post # 7
Seek some sort of counseling, and I hate to say it because I know you won’t like it, but tell your H. Part of the excitement is the illicit nature of the encounters. Being honest will kill some of that, and affairs grow best in the dark, so turn on that light. And your H deserves to know what’s going on. For all you know, he WANTS to be more exciting but is afraid you want him less so – maybe he thinks YOU’RE boring. Give him the chance to succeed at your marriage.
Talk to a counselor. Find a place dedicated to marital counseling online at least, see a clergy member. Just don’t keep doing what you are doing.
Post # 8
First of all, counseling for you to figure out where this is coming from.
Secondly, I fear that you’re working your way up to sleeping with someone. Each time you go a little bit farther than you did before. This is so totally not fair to your husband. You need to own up to the things you’ve done instead of taking the easy way out and hiding it from him. He deserves to be with someone who totally and completly loves him and it seems like you aren’t that person.
Wish you both the best but you have to get this under control.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
Women are having children in their 40’s these days! At my old clinic I had a coworker who got married in her late 30’s and had her two kids at 39 and 42 without any ‘help’ needed! Don’t cling to a guy because you are worried about whether or not you’ll get to have kids. If there is a will, there is a way!
I’m going to give you a little tough love…and I say this with the utmost respect for you and your situation:
If you hadn’t of cheated, I’d say open the lines of communication and see what happens. But the fact of the matter is you have. Unfortunatly there is no going back, and no do-over. Pretending it never happened is not only wrong, but will end up biting you in the ass in the end. Both you and your husband deserve a faithful, loving marriage. From the information you’ve provided it sounds like both of you have failings in that department for one reason or another. If anything it is a blessing that you don’t have children, because that would only complicate things.
Your husband deserves a faithful wife, and you deserve a husband that you truly and deeply want to be with. If you don’t want to tell him about the infidelity, that is your decision and not my place to judge. However, it would be best to set him free before things become further complicated.
Post # 10
I’m not going to focus on your behavior for the moment, no judgment here, ok?
Your life is giving you a wake up call. You can’t change anything that’s been done in the past you can only move forward from this moment on. As of now do not dwell on anything that you have done or that you feel was a mistake, like marrying the wrong person for you.
What matters right now is you need to really dig deep into your heart and soul and figure out what you want for your life. Emphasis on you and your here – YOUR LIFE – is important. Don’t allow yourself to fall into guilt and self-pity just yet, there will be plenty of time for that later if you don’t make the proper changes to correct your course right. now.
First of all, what is it about your husband that is wrong, in your eyes? You say there is no passion and never has been. My guess is he is a friend and makes you feel safe and secure. Safe and secure is good. Or does he really make you feel safe and secure? You need to figure out what you really, really want and need in your life. You obviously know you can’t continue living a double life, a life of lies and deception, without causing great harm and placing your future peace of mind in peril.
I agree with the others who have suggested counseling. If your marriage is worth saving you need to focus on saving it. First, save yourself and become very clear about what you want. If you need to divorce and start over, if that thought makes your heart leap with joy – then do it. Divorce can wipe the slate clean. You are still plenty young enough to start over and find the love of your life and have children. Don’t give up on yourself about that. But don’t continue procrastinating, either.
Next, does your husband treat you with the love and respect you need? He may or may not be a good guy, I can’t tell so far from your description. Maybe he feels the same way about you that you do about him and if you told him you want to separate he may feel the same sense of relief. How would you feel about that? Would you be ok with dealing with him dating someone else? He may want a divorce as much as you do. None of that makes either of you bad people.
There is no need to remain in a miserable marriage if it is not fixable. If it is fixable you need to start right now doing whatever it takes to fix your marriage. Either way, do something positive for yourself so you can live the happy life of your dreams.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
I could have written this post a year ago. I have always ALWAYS played by the rules and played it safe. Marrying my husband was the safest decision I could have made (although I honestly didnt realize it at the time). He was a decent man, we had a good life, things were stable, our families loved each other… but we weren’t passionate about each other or our life together. Honestly, we co-existed beside each other but were never really a cohesive unit. After a really rough year of soul searching, poor decisions and finding about his serial infedelity, I walked away at the ripe old age of 31. It was terrifying. I wanted a family so badly, but I even more than that, I want a husband that I’m absolutely crazy about. I want my kids to look at our marriage and be inspired by love and want to create the same kind of happiness in their own homes when they grow up. I’m almost 32 now and yes, I’m very concerned I may never meet someone or have children. But I do know that when/if I have kids, I want it to be with someone i’m crazy about.
Dating and starting all over at this age is scary, especially when you want kids. But you know whats scarier? Being stuck in a marriage that you arent happy with, with a man you arent passionate about. Marriage, kids and life in general is hard. Things will come up that will try an tear your marriage apart, and if you’re not strong in that connection… nothing good can happen. I think you need to go to counselling and get things sorted out. I cant tell you whether you should go or stay, but you have some things you need to work on. Message me if you want to talk more. Hugs bee, I know this is a really REALLY horrible feeling and you’re in an incredibly difficult position.
Post # 12
Love can be built. It’s not something that you fall into and then you either are “in love” or you’re not. It sounds to me like there’s a lot of uncertainty that might very well be due to some incorrect expectations about what a loving marriage is really like.
I would seek counseling to adjust your expectations, read The 5 Love Languages and Attached (because you might have Avoidant attachment), and approach your marriage as something that you build together in partnership with your husband, and not something that is already ready-made that you have to simply either take or leave.
Post # 13
I respectfully disagree.
Some people spend years trying to “build” love in their stale relationship and then 1 person comes along and shatters everything. You can most definitively fall into love and have a lifetime of happiness.
Post # 14
Yes, please get a divorce. It isn’t fair to your husband.
Post # 15
Have you ever TRIED to have passion in your relationship? Because, this stuff takes work. You’re enjoying these crushes and the vibrant fires of lusty feelings with these guys, but eventually all that will cool off, youre hormones will regulate, and you’ll be stuck working for it again.
I’ve always viewed the ‘end goal’ of marriage as having a trusting partner that loves me, adores me, grows with me, challenges me, and is loyal. Does he do those things? If so, then I think the odds are you could work on your passion and fill in that gap.
Because right now you’re taking the easy way out.