Should I even agree to sign a prenup?

posted 2 years ago in Legal
Post # 2
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee

Ew. No way would I even marry a guy who had those views, much less consider signing away my marital rights.

Post # 3
Member
9219 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I have no issues with prenups generally.

In your case, you think the terms are unfair, so don’t sign it. 

But it sounds to me like you guys have way bigger issues to sort out than just the prenup.

Post # 4
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

That sounds completely unfair to you. If he insists on getting a prenup signed, make sure you have your own lawyer to look over the agreement and to represent your interests. 

Honestly though- it’s a huge red flag that he’s not placing equal importance on your future contributions to the marriage/household. I’d get some counseling and seriously think through whether you want to marry this man. 

Post # 5
Member
727 posts
Busy bee

Don’t marry him.

Post # 6
Member
2354 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Um that guy sounds like a selfish ass.  I would not trust him.

Also, sorry buddy, but most states view all assets acquired during marriage as joint marital property.  So he’s asking you to agree to something that is way outside the norm.  No way would I sign that.  A *reasonable* and *fair* prenup, sure.

Post # 7
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

lalacare :  I have no issues with prenups in general. Especially to protect something like an inheritance. But reading your paragraph made me sad.

Your Fiance said some things that were very disrespectful of you and your role in your future family life… very belittling. Personally I would not agree to marry someone who thought that bearing his children and raising his family is a worthless endeavor or something that he can “just hire” a nanny and a maid to do. And I definitely wouldn’t sign the agreement he’s proposed. A prenuptual agreement is supposed to protect the interests of both parties, just like any other contract. If you decide to move forward with any prenup, make sure you retain your own attorney to review it and advocate for your rights and interests. 

Post # 8
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Wow, I am so sorry that conversation turned so nasty. Prenups are a tricky topic, but I’ll give you some perspective. 

I was intent on signing a prenup with my Fiance, until we sat down and talked about finances. He will be making 5x more than me once he’s a proper doctor, but my parents are going to be leaving me everything. Given that I’m the only one working now, and we are in our mid twenties, we have a whole life ahead of us to build together. After much conversation, I don’t think we’ll be signing one after all (regardless of parental pressure). 

A traditional prenup is (I believe) like you stated. You can’t touch anything prior to marriage, but post marriage, everything is split 50/50. Even if you can’t contribute financially, I assume you’ll likely be contributing in many other ways? Like child rearing, cooking, cleaning, arranging day care, etc.? I’m not trying to be sexist or anything, but I assume as a CEO, he won’t be doing those things due to lack of time? Even if you’re a stay at home mom (not saying you want to be), you could arguably justify 50/50 split, due to the time you’ve spent raising children and the sacrifice you’ve made to ensure he has time for his career. 

If you do sign a prenup, and he doesn’t want to do 50/50 split, but is mentioning an unspecified amount, make sure to specify. You could end up with 1% if you don’t. In addition, since conditions are being written in, you might as well go through an entire list then. For reference, my cousin recently got married and his prenup included a list of 82 conditions (there was a great deal of wealth and asset difference between husband and wife). INCLUDING child carrying. Conditions (as ridiculous as they sound) include:

– upon the birth of their first child, the wife is legally joint owner of the primary residence

– upon the birth of their second child, the wife is legally joint owner of a second residence to be specified at the time

– something about if they divorce within 5 years, wife gets X amount vs 10 years vs 15 years vs 20

sorry for such a long response, but reading his comments and his attitude towards a prenup made me want to share that more complicated and practical prenups exist, even if they sound unromantic. 

Post # 9
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

As an attorney, I think it’s wise to sign prenups. I don’t take it personally (my husband and I contemplated entering into one but ultimately decided it wasn’t necessary due to our circumstances). 

However – it seems the issues stemming from your discussion with him aren’t based around prenups. There seem to be bigger issues at play that I would address before discussing a prenup…

Post # 10
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

lalacare :  just want to add as well that i’ve heard of guys in your FI’s position hiding marital assets from the wife in the event of a divorce so they don’t have to share. this could hurt not only you but also any children you may have together (if you end up as the one with primary custody who is taking care of the kids and looking after most of their material needs). not to worry you but the comments of your Fiance certainly raise some red flags. 

Post # 11
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

He sounds like a dick. I don’t even get the comments about paying someone/you to “carry a child”/take care of a child. Is he saying he wouldn’t pay child support to you if you two divorce? I don’t think that’s something you can even put in a pre-nup, as he’d still have a legal responsiblity as the father. Anyway, on the whole his attitude about this is disturbing and would give me major pause about this relationship.

Post # 12
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

i have no problems with prenups usually – but his attitude about mothers and the things he said worry me. 

Usually prenups should protect premarital assets – NOT screw you out of the partnership of marriage. if he feels this way now – the most loved up you two will probs be- imagine how screwed you’ll be if the divorce gets nasty. And you wont have as many resources for legal protection *if* you become a stay at home mom. 

If you marry him – please think about ways to protect your financial interest. I know this might not be a popular idea – but just listen to the death sex and money podcast about class sliding – they interview a woman who was VERY wealthy and alas her banker ceo husband cheated on her, knocked up his younger girlfriend and left her with basically nothing. This type of thing happens ALL the time in my hometown. men hide their money offshore. Remember attorneys and financial planners work for the person that pays them – they might only have your husbands interest at heart. 

YOU NEED TO GET YOUR OWN ATTORNEY TO LOOK OVER THE PRENUP before you sign.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I agree you shouldn’t sign anything you are not comfortable with. Prenups are really a tough conversation to have. From the sounds of it, it does not seem like your Fiance will be wanting to get married if you don’t sign it though. Things also become much more complicated when you’re talking about addingchildren to the equation, and possibly being a stay at home mom with no actual income of your own. 

Perhaps another conversation after you’ve both thought about the initial one you had will help sort things a little. Also discussing his views on families and dynamics and raising children. 

For me personally, if there were no children involved ever, I’d be fine splitting things up to the ratios each party contributed financially. 

Post # 14
Member
2802 posts
Sugar bee

If you still want to marry this guy I would definitely seek legal advice for yourself.

The fact that he doesn’t see your contribution to the relationship as valuable is really problematic. When kids enter the picture one partner usually has to make some kind of sacrifice to their earning power. Even when both parents work, usually one parent becomes the primary earner while the other takes a position that might be more flexible etc.

The point is, in a marriage you make decisions and plan your lives around being a TEAM. If the team doesn’t work out, one person shouldn’t wind up in a vastly more comfortable and stable position simply because their contribution was economic. It doesn’t mean that that person worked harder or made more sacrifices. 

Post # 15
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

His views on motherhood make me sick. And how he’ll just hire someone to raise his child instead of doing it himself because his career is more important WOW. PLEASE DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY! you are not respected in this relationship.

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