Should I even ask….

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2936 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Have you asked your girlfriend what she would like? This is a very polarizing topic and I think the best advice any of us can give you would be to ask her. Or her general opinion of asking for ones fathers blessing. 

Post # 3
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Does she believe they don’t have a relationship? I barely talk to my father, and see him a few times a year, but I love him dearly and want his blessing. 

If she talks to him twice a year it sounds like a relationship to me…

But more importantly how does she feel about parental blessings?

Post # 4
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Have you discussed this before? Personally I was against my husband asking ANYONE but me, but some people are on the very opposite end and would be pissed if their spouse didn’t ask their parents for their permission. Maybe you can throw it out there is a hypothetical to find out. Anyone get engaged recently? What did they do? Bring it up adn gauge her reaction. (“Oh jason and Jen just got engaged! Did you hear he drove across the country to ask her parents for permission?”) 

Post # 5
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Does your girlfriend feel like she doesn’t have much of a relationship with him, or is that just your conjecture based on them not talking much? I don’t talk to my mother much, probably a couple of times a month, but I still would say I have a good relationship with her. But then I do not have a relationship with my father (although I will see him once in a great while at a family event), and so I would have been furious with my Fiance if he had asked for his permission.

So I would say, get a firm idea on how SHE views her relationship with her father. If the relationship is strained, and she doesn’t see them as having much of a relationship, then don’t ask for his blessing. If she still sees him as someone she has a relationship with, then see how she feels about you asking for his blessing. Because I’ll also mention that there are people (myself included) who would not want an SO to ask for their parents’ blessing, good relationship or not.

Post # 6
Member
747 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

If you are confident she doesnt feel she has a relatipnship then dont bother.

I have only recently patched things up with my dad, but I find the whole situation to be archaic. Im not property. I moved out of home at 18 Ive not asked permission for anything. 

Or ask one of her close friends to ask her hypothetically. its a really divisive topic. it means alot to the people who like it!!!

Post # 7
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

wayneenteprises :  Since the most common advice you are going to get is, how does your lady feel about it, I have a sugesstion for how you can get that information without spilling the beans. Talk to her best friend. Whomever that is, sister, colleague, whomever you know to be her absolutely bestie.

Either the bestie already knows what she wants, or could slip it into conversation easily. That way yoou’re less likely for her to find out beforehand! Good luck!

Oh and on the note of blessings, I do not see my dad very often, but would have loved for my fiance to ask for his blessing. He didnt, not because he did not think we lacked a relationship, but because he said I am my own woman, not a piece of property and he shouldnt have to ask anyone but me for permission.

Post # 8
Member
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

wayneenteprises :  I would try and find out if it’s important to your girlfriend, while I don’t think you should ASK for permission, I see nothing wrong with letting the parents know what’s going on. My husband met up with my mom to let her know, show her the ring, etc. I thought it was really sweet, but some women (many on the bee) think it’s offensive and unnecessary- to each their own.

Could you casually bring it up in conversation somehow to see your girlfriends reaction?

Post # 9
Member
2617 posts
Sugar bee

Even if she feels she has a relationship with him, she might be opposed to the idea.

I’ve always said that I’d say “no” to a proposal if my SO had asked my parents for permission/blessing or even given them a heads up about the proposal in advance.  It would be compelling evidence to me that my SO didn’t know me as I feel it’s a terribly archaic practice that disregards my autonomy/agency.  (Granted, if you’re at the point of discussing engagement, you really should have a pretty good idea how your future fiancee feels about these things!)

Post # 10
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

My father lives across the country and we only get to see each other maybe once a year.  But he’s still very special to me.  My FH asked for his blessing when we went to go visit, and it was a very special moment.  Imo, best to man up and ask if it’s something that important to you (or her).  But it depends a lot on how traditional you are as a couple.

Post # 11
Member
9900 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You should ask her because I have a fantastic relationship with my dad and still would have been pissed if my husband asked him for his permission/blessing/whatever.

Post # 12
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Definitely ask your girlfriend. Some have very strong feelings about asking for permission/blessing.

 

I personally wouldn’t have wanted my husband to ask, but many women do.

Post # 13
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

wayneenteprises :  Personally, that’s really difficult to answer. With my ex, he wanted to propose and my mom mentioned “well I certainly hope when he does, he’ll do the right thing and ask your father”. When I casually mentioned it to him, he flipped out and thought it archaic and it seemed pretty clear (to me), that he’d actually had no intention of asking my dad. Well after some things came up and I was talking to HIS mom and it was again mentioned, she was all “Oh I’m sure he would do that; we raised him right”. I just found it so interesting, all of the different opinions! My ex clearly hadn’t intended to speak with my dad, yet both my mom and his mom thought it was appropriate/expected to do so! For MY part, I honestly had never even given it thought. I’d never know the difference and I had never cared before! Now I wonder if I care but eh, I only care if it would make my dad happy (which it likely would, so sure).

But every situation is different, and every family is different. Maybe to be safe you could ask whichever parent she is closer to? And if that’s the mom, maybe ask her if she thinks you should also ask the dad? (Unless you know for a fact she’d say ‘no’ out of any old spite or something).

Best of luck dude.

Post # 14
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think it is so yucky to ask for a blessing. It’s just a watered-down version of asking for permission. GROSS.

Post # 15
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee

I think to most people doesn’t really matter.  The only friend I’ve ever had that actually cared was because she is very Italian and being Italian American is everything to her. Anything traditional she wants. 

 I love my dad and I’m very close to him but I wouldn’t particularly care either way if my boyfriend asked him in advance or not. I don’t know that my dad would care either. 

As a note for the fact that we’re living in 2018 I think it should be phrased more as I wanted to let you know that I will be asking your daughter to marry me. Asking for permission I agree is gross and not very supportive of women’s rights. Best to phrase it in a more forward thinking way. 

 One additional note would be don’t tell  The father about it unless you’re very close to proposing.  After talking to the father about It you shouldn’t wait more than three months in my opinion. Waiting longer than that gives opportunity for the mom to say something for the dad to slip and say something plus it’s just bad form.  I say that because I’ve heard of quite a few friends have a boyfriend ask the dad and then wait six months or more to actually propose which led to a lot of drama and misunderstanding.  My very good friend her ex boyfriend  asked her dad to marry her about a year before he actually was going to propose and then he ended up leaving her with no warning and they broke up. He never had any any intention of proposing and it not only really hurt her dad but hurt her too.  Definitely felt like the extra stab that he asked her dad and then never did it. She’s also having a hard time realizing that whoever she does marry is going to also ask her dad even though that already happened with someone else . So the rule of thumb is if you’re going to ask the dad it should be when you’re ready and I mean ready as in you would marry her tomorrow.  Being the guy who asks and doesn’t follow through is the worst. 

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