Should I even be \"waiting\" in our situation?

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

Your timeline seems reasonable to me. 

Post # 32
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I get wanting to be engaged by year 3. I got married 5 days after my 3rd anniversary because my DH and I don’t believe in wasting time either. But I believe marriage is about becoming one, joining together. And it is nearly impossible to do that if you’re not financially stable. So based on that alone your timeline might need to be amended. The price of the wedding doesn’t matter but what are you going to do after the wedding? You can’t depend upon parents or at least you shouldn’t. 

Also, your worth is not all in your looks. I get wanting to be engaged because it has been 2 years but a reason for that shouldn’t be your looks…

Post # 33
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I understand you have a timeline, but it all sounds so forced. You want marriage and kids soon (before 30!), yet you’re not even living on your own! 

I think it’s good to have a timeline. However, things don’t always happen as neatly as planned. It is good to have goals, but sometimes you also have to be flexible. 

BTW, life gets better at 40!

Post # 34
Member
8763 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Under other circumstances I’d agree with you, minus the ridiculously outdated references to soon being past your prime. 

But you two are not even financially independent yet. I’d be the one putting on the brakes in that situation. IMO you can’t expect to have it both ways. 

Personally, I think his parents, well meaning as they are, have not done you or your relationship any long term favors. 

Post # 35
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Oh no!! I’m 26 and I’m only getting married at 28!! Will my SO leave me??

C’mon! Grow up! I understand that you want a timeline, it’s understandable that you don’t want to waste your time but if you know he sees you as a lifetime partner, that timeline shouldn’t exist anymore. 

The fact that you could just say good bye to a relationship so easily if he doesn’t propose by the 3rd year is just so contradicting to you wanting to marry this man. 

And if you say that you already feel like you’re married, what’s the rush, really? Just cos you want a ring on your finger? You both have just started your careers, why can’t you just take a chill pill and start saving first then once you both are financially stable and no longer living with parents, start talking about marriage?

Post # 36
Member
4880 posts
Honey bee

NOTE: The following post is dictated by RobbieAndJuliahaha as she can no longer independently move her fossilized fingers across a keyboard, being at least 2 decades past her prime- sincerely, Geriatric Support Service for Bees, Trolls & Other Online Entitites. 

P.S. Please post any direct replies to her by her  7:30 pm EST bedtime. 

Okay, let’s get this ‘past your prime’ nonsense out of the way first:

#1. Your looks do not define your worth.

#2. If you are liberated enough to clearly state your needs in a relationship and independent enough to walk away from a situation you are unhappy with, you should realize you negate this by feeling good looks and youth are key to snagging a man or even that a man must be snagged by feminine wiles in the first place. 

#3. You are not a marketable commodity. Don’t treat yourself as one. 

There, now onto timelines et al: 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a timeline and I also don’t believe a potential ‘walk date’ means you don’t love him. This whole Tammy Wynette ‘Stand By Your Man’ thing is too one-sided to be healthy. If a woman has clearly articulated her own timeline then her partner can either agree or disagree with it (of course he’s entitled to his own timeline, he just has to be honest about it, not pretend to go along with OP’s timeline if he isn’t on board).  But if he agrees to a timeline he doesn’t mean and this results in a ‘walk date’ that is followed through on- he’s the one who let her down. If OP will be accused of not truly loving him if she’s willing to walk, can’t he be accused of not truly loving her if he’d rather lose her and break her heart than keep his promise?

So you need to sit down and have a serious adulting talk with him. Not just telling him your timeline but asking him his and trying to establish a mutual one that you’re both happy with. Discuss finances as well- will you move out into your own place or will you live with his parents awhile longer? Are you happy with an inexpensive ring and if so, does he know this? Would you rather have an inexpensive wedding after a reasonably short engagement or a more elaborate wedding you need longer to save for? 

As for living with his parents, if the situation is comfortable enough, as it seems it is in your case, and you’re truly saving responsibly, then IMO it’s not a bad idea to stay another year (assuming his parents are fine with this). Too  many young people fall into the high-rent trap that makes it really hard to save for a down payment. If staying with his parents another year allows the two of you to buy a home instead of renting, then this might be better in the long run, you have your entire lives afterward to live together independently. On the other hand, if the two of you are living there like a couple of teenagers and spending what you should be saving on entertainment, high end clothing etc, &/ or if you’re finding the lack of independence difficult, then it’s likely time to move out and find a place together on your own. 

It’s alsoi possible that not feeling independent living in your boyfriend’s parents home has bumped up your own timeline as you see  being engaged as an alternative symbol of adulting. 

Post # 38
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

fairydust91 :  hmmm I think this response is a bit immature if I’m being honest. I was in the same boat a few months ago, so I get where you’re coming from. My FI is five years older than me and I’m turning 28 soon, so the itch was real. You’re still young, and from the sounds of it, your finances could use some prioritizing. Make sure all that background stuff is handled first, then the engagement will come. You don’t want to build a marriage on a rickety foundation. Be open about your timeline, but also be a little realistic too. Maybe he wants to get his finances in line before committing to you and that is totally understandable on his behalf.

Post # 39
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It’s interesting what happens when you turn 40. When I was 26, I was really worried about what other people thought. It’s true that I was hit on more, but that’s not the measure of self worth. Around 40, I stopped caring so much. No, I didn’t let myself go. I’m actually probably healthier now than I was at 30 because I eat better and work out more regularly. The difference is now I workout/eat right for myself. I want to be healthy and feel good. I’m certainly not past my prime. I feel good, have fun, and don’t give an f what other people think of me. 

Post # 40
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

fairydust91 :  Only you know your timeline and only you would know how he behaves (ie if he is only saying for the sake of saying or if he really means what he is saying). I wouldnt ask you to throw away a perfectly good relationship out of the door just because of your history, specially cuz its been less than 2 years and you are very young. If it bothers you so much why dont you put it out on the table so that you both can find a resolution – after all thats what partners do.

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