Should I ever get married?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I can totally relate. I met my FH at 23 and he waited until I was almost 30 to propose, having lived together over 5 years. I had got to the point of wondering if we should bother or not. I was pretty excited when we did finally get engaged but I’m having doubts again now about doing the whole wedding thing and wishing we’d just eloped! 

I guess I want to be married more than I want to have a wedding. Maybe think about which bit is most important to you and go from there? You mention cost but if it’s the extra commitment you want, you could do something small instead. 

Post # 3
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You can go before the courts and get married hun, you don’t need a big expensive wedding. You can maybe do that years down the line if it’s feasible however a big wedding is not required to simply be married.

Post # 4
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Are you actually “over it” or are you just feeling guilty for still wanting it after so long, so you’re trying to talk yourself out of it?

+1 what PP said: weddings don’t have to be expensive.  A marriage license costs like $100.

Post # 5
Member
5000 posts
Bee Keeper

The only thing required to get married is the cost of the license, two willing people, and an officiant or whatever official and witness are required where you live.  I have a friend who just couldn’t wait to be married anymore and he and his girlfriend went to the courthouse on their lunch break, in jeans and a t-shirt and got married by their coworker who is also a registered officiant.  It cost them $115 – the cost of a license here.

So when you say you always dreamed of being married, is what you’re really saying is you dreamed of having a big stereotypical wedding?  Because marriage is not the same as a wedding. 

It sounds like you need to sort out what your objection really is – marriage to him (or are you really just happy dating him forever?) Or spending a lot of money to marry him.  A wedding is just a ceremony where you get married. It can cost as much as you want or as little as you want. But stop equating stereotypical wedding with marriage.

Post # 6
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

So, I’ve been with my FH for nearly 9 years. We had this same conversation, “why get married?” 

We ended up deciding we wanted to get married for us, we dont know if we want kids(probably not) but we want to be our own family unit. We love each other and have put a lot into this relationship, we wanted to make it leagal.

We decided a wedding was not important, we want the party but not the spectical of a ceremony. So we are going to run off to our favorite beach and just bring the required witnesses then have a big anniversary party the next year. This has taken so much of the stress of it off.

Post # 7
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Breckenridge, CO

View original reply
123bats :  I totally see where you’re coming from. My fiancé and I didn’t want a wedding but we both want that unity that comes from being married. So we are exchanging vows on a mountain with a couple friends and that’s it. If you don’t want the wedding but would like to be married you have lots of other options that won’t break the bank! 

Post # 8
Member
7313 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Like it or not, in the eyes of the law, everything you have had with him before a marriage ISN’T as important as being married. Marriage confers all sorts of legal rights and responsibilities that living together does not, and very few states recognize common-law marriage anymore (in the US). 

It may not be worth having a fancy, expensive party, but look into the legal aspects and it generally IS worth having that “piece of paper.” It matters for all sorts of things, and I think it is naive to assume it isn’t important.

Post # 9
Member
1683 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Bee, if you don’t want the expensive wedding, and the fairytale part doesn’t appeal to you as you’ve grown age and maturity-wise (as well as in your relationship), then get engaged with a simple and inexpensive (but beautiful) ring, plan a nice vacation with your fiancé, and purchase a reasonable elopement package. 

If you’re still 100% that your boyfriend is the person you want to spend your life with, then you can make it happen however you choose. 

Post # 10
Bee
5167 posts
Bee Keeper

There are a lot of very good legal reasons for getting married. There are emotional ones too; how are you going to feel in 5 more years? Will you be disappointed and resentful that he hasn’t proposed? Do you want kids out of wedlock?

I’m getting the very strong impression that you know or fear that he doesn’t want to propose. But you don’t want to lose him so you’re trying to convince yourself that marriage isn’t so great anyway. That never works in the long run.

Post # 11
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
123bats :  What you’re feeling is totally normal. I can kind of relate to this. I used to dream about and plan my future wedding in high school even before I actually started dating anyone and was single (when everyone around me was focused on studying/working). But after multiple break ups, I kinda lost interest in it. By the time I met my fiance, all I wanted was a legal registration of the marriage without any wedding (so we can get legal and medical benefits). However, my parents really wanted a wedding and are paying for it as well so I am going along with it. I think I may have been a lot more excited had I been younger. But I’m in my late 20s now and I’m just meh about it.

I think once you get older, other things tend to take priority and when you see how much things cost, you start to question if it is worth spending that amount of time, effort, and money on it. My friends and family are a lot more excited than I am and that helps raise the excitement level a little.

If you’re not sure whether to have a wedding or not, I’d advise having one just so you never regret it (because it will never be the same if you do it later in the future after you’re already married)

Post # 12
Member
1895 posts
Buzzing bee

The problem I see here is that as long as you are with this guy, it doesn’t matter if you want to get married because it seems that he doesn’t want to. So it’s probably not going to happen whether you want it to or not

I think you need to do some soul searching about your interest in marriage. Are you talking yourself out of it to stay with him? Or are you really not sure it’s something you want anymore?

I suggest you start working through this ASAP because if you really want marriage, you will need to find someone else who also wants marriage. 

From your post, I get the feeling that you really do want to get married but are trying to suppress your feelings because you don’t want to leave him so you’re trying to minimize what marriage really is. If this is what’s going on, just know that it’s not going to work and you’re only hurting yourself by denying yourself what you want 

If you want to get married, you deserve to have that. If you’re not sure, then you might want to examine why

Post # 13
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2020 - City, State

I agree with pps. You seemed to be conflating the idea of a wedding with the idea of a marriage. I’m also wondering if this is a case of the fox and the grapes, where you’re trying to convince yourself you don’t care because you’re already convinced you can’t have it.

What are your long term goals? Do you want kids? Do you want a forever commitment? Do you really not care? If your bf doesn’t want to get married bc he doesn’t want a big party, you can get married and skip the party or do something small. If your bf doesn’t want to get married because he doesn’t want to commit to forever with you, are you okay with that? Do you really want the commitment, but starting over is scarier than settling right now?

These are questions you really need to ask yourself.

Post # 14
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You always wanted to get married. Your partner isn’t interested in marrying you. Now you are questioning if it is worth it at all. That’s not a healthy path or the path of someone who genuinely doesn’t want to get married. It sounds like you’ve given up on him marrying you, but you don’t want to lose him. So you are compromising what you really want to force this to last. That’s not a good place to be. Do you really want to be with someone who can’t promise you a long-term commitment? 

Before I was married, I wasn’t sure if there would really be any differences, but honestly, it’s completely different. I feel so much more secure than before. I feel more connected than before. I like that we are a team and have legal rights now. 

 

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