(Closed) Should I expect more from my bridesmaids?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4159 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Throughout my wedding process, I learnt to never expect ANYTHING from anyone, wedding related or not.  Unfortunately I always expect a lot from people because I’m always the first one to offer my help and try to do the best I can for everyone, but now that I don’t expect things from people, I don’t disappoint myself.

I think that them being there for you is gift enough, no?  Try to look at the positive things that they HAVE done for you.  Gifts are NOT manditory.

Post # 4
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

You shouldn’t really give gifts expecting the same in return. That’s my rule of thumb. I give a gift b/c I want to and b/c I care about a person. The fact that these 4 girls agreed to be in your wedding should be gift enough. Especially if they’re paying for their dress and accessories. 

Post # 6
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LovebirdsSC:  Honestly I think you are being unreasonable. It is great you did so much for these women when they got married, but they are in NO way required to reciprocate the same way.

Sister #2 should not have complained to you about all of the expenses (unless you were forcing her to spend that money) but you cannot get upset that she is doing things for herself and her family with the money she makes. There is no requirement for her to spend it on you. 

My bridesmaids did not throw me a shower. Was I upset… not at all!

My Maid/Matron of Honor (sister) and one Bridesmaid or Best Man couldn’t make it to my bachelorette. I was sad about my sister because I don’t get to see her often but she couldn’t risk missing work and my bachelorette was in NYC the weekend of Hurricane Irene. The other Bridesmaid or Best Man couldn’t make it because of business school requirements. Obviously that is way more important than my bachelorette.

They all gave me gifts for the wedding and I felt many were way too generous especially since the wedding was a destination wedding where they had to pay to get there and for their hotels.

Honestly, ALL I expected of my BMs and Maid/Matron of Honor was to buy a bridesmaids dress and stand by my side on my wedding day.

All the rest were really nice extras.

I think you need to focus on why these people are your attendants, is it because you want money/gifts/parties from them? Or is it because they are your closest friends and biggest supporters?

Post # 7
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Being a bridesmaid is expensive, I think expecting any gifts from your bms is to risk setting yourself up for disappointment. Focus on what they have done for you.

@2PeasinaPod:  Agreed, gifts are not tit for tat, only give because you want to

Post # 8
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My bm’s threw me a shower… and gave me a card.  That was gift enough for me!!!  I know how much time and money they put into that shower and it was great!!!  I think it may be slightly unreasonable to expect gifts from them.  I am the same as you and give and give… but they gave to you in another way.  At least they were all there for you in some capacity.  Laughing


Post # 9
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I have a friend who consistently goes out of her way for everyone, anyone having a birthday, baby shower, wedding shower etc etc she not only offers to help but will run the whole thing. Then she buys very expensive presents, cleans up and all of that nice stuff.

The problem is that people don’t always want that. I dont want her to get me a really expensive _______ (fill in the blank) I dont want her to take it upon herself to organise my birthday party/bridal shower/baby shower. She is welcome to go home without staying for hours to clean up, no problem!

What I realised is that she is doing this for HER. It makes her feel better, it makes her feel validated and wanted.

The problem is that when it’s her event, she expects everyone to reciprocate the same amount of money and energy. She expects a $400 present and that is just not realistic. She expects a huge deal to be made out of her birthday every year and that is also not realistic.

I’m not saying you are doing this, it’s just that these types of posts remind me of my friend who has unhealthy expectations. If you expect the world you will often be left disappointed.



Post # 10
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

100% peasinaPod – sounds to me that you werent giving from your heart(especially if you can remember evry little detail).

Post # 11
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I dont think youre being completely unreasonable, but maybe just putting a bit too much thought into it. Just go with the flow and don’t expect anything from anyone. I am the friend who always gives the most amazing thoughtful gifts (i have a shopping addiction ha!) and then i always get the most lame gifts in return. It took me a while to get over it, but hey, atleast they are there supporting you!

Post # 12
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Here is what you can expect from your bridesmaids: 1. Buy a dress that meets your parameters and is within their budget.  2. Show up at the wedding.  3. Be supportive / good-natured about both of these things.

Everything else is gravy.  This includes throwing showers, throwing bachelorette parties, buying you gifts, going dress shopping, attending fittings, and any other number of wedding-related activities.

Also, gifts are not meant to be given on a quid pro quo basis.

Post # 13
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I was a bridesmaid to a “Bridezilla” who required A LOT out of us and did nothing but complain 24/7 it was 6 months of SHEER HELL. And i’m totally NOT calling you a bridezilla. To be honest, I will NOT put my bridesmaids in a position that I was put in. I’m not a rich woman. The Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, bridal shower, bachelorette party, cost A LOT of money. plates, utensils, decorations, FOOD, bach party supplies, invites, entertainment, time etc….. all that little stuff adds up QUICK! by the time thier wedding came around, i was FLAT OUT BROKE.  They may just not have the funds to give you a present not that they dont love you, care for you, or aren’t excited for you.

Post # 15
235 posts
Helper bee

You wont get much sympathy here since most people feel that them buying a dress and showing up to your wedding is all your BMs need to do.  I feel differently and believe these girls need to be there for you and match your efforts.  I feel like that’s basic friendship, IMO. 

Post # 16
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sassypants:  Basic friendship involves emotional support, not monetary support.

OP, they threw you a shower.  That in itself is a gift.  You can’t expect everyone to meet what you were able to give them.

I don’t care what my bridesmaids give or don’t give me.  They have given me their friendship and love and that is more than enough.

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