Post # 1
I recently called off my wedding to someone I have been with for four years. I have always felt off and on about the relationship, but he was always so positive and never wanted to give up on making it work. He’s a very sweet and supportive guy, but we were very different people and I always wondered if we weren’t a perfect match. He was my best friend and I didn’t want to break his heart, but I always had doubts. I would tell myself I was just being selfish and having too high of standards.
After we got engaged he moved to where I live and found a job here. That’s when the real doubts started to hit me. We are only 20 years old, and I felt like we weren’t a good match. They say if you get married at a young age the odds are already not in your favor, and since we didn’t communicate well I just felt like it was a little too risky. We started to fight every time we spent time together, but he always said that he loved me and wanted to make it work, and that seemed like the right thing to do. Eventually it became too much pressure, to the point where I wasn’t even enjoying planning the wedding anymore. I called it off and he was devastated. He said basically that I ruined his life because he had given up everything to move and find a job here, and that he would be stuck here for another year because of his lease. I feel absolutely awful, and I’m not sure I made the right decision. I feel like he was so willing to work on things and make sacrifices, and maybe I should have tried to make it work for longer. I think a lot of people we know think I’m being selfish and the “bad guy” in this situation, and I just want to do the right thing.
Post # 2
emwesel37 : You did the right thing. Hold your head high and move forward. *hugs*
Post # 3
It’s better to end it now before you’re officially married. It’s much harder (and more heartache) to divorce than to cancel a wedding. You did the right thing.
Post # 5
Yep lil’ bee you definitely did the right thing. As for his accusations, yeah he’s hurt but he’s also a grown adult and capable making his own decisions so no, you didn’t ruin his life. Also, you are not selfish simply because you discover that this man isn’t the one for you. You sound like a smart, thoughtful and caring person. Hold your head up lil’ sis……you’ve done something to be proud of.
Post # 6
Better to end it now than down the road when it will be harder emotionally and legally. It’s hard but you know you did the right thing.
Post # 7
Tell him you’d be REALLY ruining his life by getting married and then ending it in a divorce later. You’re doing right.
Post # 8
You did the right thing.
There are few things worse in this life than marrying the wrong person. If you are really meant to be together one day you will be–but not now. You are both so young.
You did not ruin his life–you gave him the opportunity to grow up and make a happy life for himself. You did the same for yourself. Life’s too short to spend it with the wrong person.
Post # 9
Feeling guilty serves no legitimate purpose of any kind.
If marrying the guy didn’t feel right, it wasn’t right. You spared both of you from terrible heartache down the road.
Post # 10
You didn’t ruin his life by calling off the wedding. It would have been much worse for both of you to go through with a marriage you weren’t 100% sure about.
It doesn’t matter that he was willing to try harder and make more sacrifices. The right relationship shouldn’t be that much work.
And this is your life too! You don’t have to marry him just because he wants you to. Who you marry should be a selfish choice, it’s about you wanting to spend forever with them. Not about you not wanting to hurt them (not sure how much sense that made…).
Post # 11
I don’t think not getting married at 20 years old will ruin his life. It is young, people change so much during their 20s and if you’re not feeling it now you would only end up being even more resentful later. Don’t feel guilty about him and his lease, he can always sublet if he really doesn’t want to be in the new city.
Post # 12
emwesel37 : “maybe I should have tried to make it work for longer.” — Nope. The problem is not that you didn’t try for long enough, it’s that you tried for too long. If you’d broken up before he moved, it would have been easier for you both. But better late than never, and better to call of the wedding than end a marriage. You did the right thing. He’s taking it hard but he will be ok. And it doesn’t matter if people think you’re the bad guy. You know that this is a “cruel to be kind” thing. You know you would not have a happy marriage and you’re saving BOTH of you from that. Don’t feel bad. You can’t marry someone just to avoid making them sad. You don’t owe him the rest of your life. Best wishes. I hope he realizes soon that this was for the best.
Post # 13
You didn’t ruin his life. Of course it hurts now, but you did the right thing by not marrying someone when you know it’s not right. x
Post # 14
There is an episode of Friends where they joke about being sorry (which is like guilt) not being a good reason to get married. They weren’t wrong.
It is understandable that your ex is upset, but that shouldn’t control your life. Whether you should have broken up earlier before he moved is both a ship that has sailed and a separate issue.
Post # 15
You did the right thing. You only get one life, live it for you!