Post # 1
I have a friend and she got married yesterday. From right after she got engaged she told me I would not be a bridesmaid, but would play “another role”. I was bummed, but I let it be. Well in March (approximately 4.5 months before the wedding) we discuss it again. And she tells me she wants it to be a surprise and she wants us to have this moment, and she wants to do this for me because I’ve been there for her during some of her darkest times.
And for the last three years we have been so close. She was at the hospital when I had my miscarriage, I was with her when she got the news her brother died, I helped her fiance pick out the ring. She’s the godmother of my child. And it was a shock every time the wedding was discussed with mutual friends, because everyone just assumed I’d be a bridesmaid.
But the wedding came and went….and nothing. We chatted a couple times. Took a couple pictures, but there was no special moment like she stated. And she kept apologizing and I asked her why she was apologizing and she said I don’t know.
I’m really hurt by her actions. Had she just said, you’re not going to be a bridesmaid a year ago, I would have been like “that sucks, but okay.” But now after waiting a year for this surprise she promised to never come, I’m so hurt.
I guess my questions are what would do? Should be as upset as I am? Should I talk to her? I want to give it some time, but I also don’t want to let the feelings fester.
I honestly feel like I made our relationship up in my head. And the worst part about it, is that she knows I have a lot of issues with friends treating me like I’m disposable, yet here we are.
Post # 2
She’s a flake? A liar? Who knows. Move on and spend time with people that bring the same effort to the relationship as you do.
Post # 3
It sounds like she was saying those things to placate you in the moment..
It’s a tough one, but if you feel that strongly about it I’d talk to her. Maybe give it a bit of time though, she did just have her wedding..
Post # 4
Did she have other friends as bridesmaids?
Why don’t you just ask her what happened?
Post # 5
This sounds very hurtful…and VERY weird. Honestly, it reminds me of that episode of The Office (Healthcare) when Michael Scott tells the office that he has a “big surprise” for them at the end of the day, and then he shows up with nothing. It’s definitely a betrayal in your case, especially since she clearly could have just made you a bridesmaid to begin with.
I don’t know if I could talk to a friend about this, as it seems pretty big. I would probably just let the relationship fade, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive unless she approached ME first and explained herself.
Post # 6
Who were her bridesmaids? If it was family only, I’d let it go. I’m not excusing it, but maybe things just got away from her. Or maybe it turned into a whole can of worms with other friends or her fiance. I really hope it wasn’t about even numbers and symmetry. It drives me crazy when people are treated like human decorations.
If she had other friends as bridesmaids and not you, however, I’d be confused and hurt.
Post # 7
Did anything happen in your friendship between when she said that and the wedding? Would her fiance have pressured her into not having that “other role” she was going to put you in? Could some other family member have railroaded the “other role” and she didn’t speak up?
Post # 8
I’d give it a few days/couple weeks for things to settle down from the wedding and tell her you are dying to know what the surprise is/was.
Did she specifically state this surprise would be AT the wedding?
And yes, did she have other friends instead of you at bridesmaids? or just family?
not knowing details, it sounds like you guys are very close so my guess would be she felt obligated to include family members instead of you although she still wanted you to be a part of the day. Then i assume whatever plans she had fell to the side (too complicated, didnt make sense, didnt have time to plan). Sounds like she felt bad about it which is why she kept apologizing for “no reason”.
hopefully this can be cleared up, but i agree she should have just left it alone a year ago. Its so strange to put a big emphasis on a surprise for someone else at ur own wedding?
Post # 9
You never mentioned if she had ANY bridesmaids in her wedding.
I would totally feel hurt especially if she’s telling you its gonna be a surprise and you’re gonna have a moment and blah, blah, blah. She deliberately misled you and gave no reasons why except to say “I’m sorry” a bunch of times which tells you she knew what she did was wrong. It really does sound like your friendship was one-sided but maybe she’s just flaky.
The only way to get to the bottom of this is simply to ask her what the heck was up with all that? Then move on…..pretty sure whatever she tells you, if she tells you, won’t satisfy you.
Post # 10
jemmlove12 : It sounds like she was saying those things to placate you in the moment..
That’s what it sounds like to me too. She didn’t know how to say OP wouldn’t be a bridesmaid, so offered the “other” role instead. Very weird. I’d probably be hurt as well.
Post # 11
Being charitable, she probably intended to do… Something… with you. But then she got so caught up in her planning and all the changes and it fell to the wayside.
This is why I hate that weddings have somehow become a celebration of every important relationship a person has. There’s do much potential to accidentally do harm, especially when you’re already so stressed.
If you can stand to let it go, let it go. During initial planning she probably wanted to make a special role for all her special people. And then she was eating ramen for the eighth night in a row because the price of ribbons went up, and she just couldn’t deal.
Post # 12
The whole ‘apologizing but not saying what for’ thing is really obnoxious. If anything I might ask what that was all about. But otherwise, I’d considering fading out of her life and making new friends. With the intention that it will be as equal as possible, not one sided. Sorry Bee, this really sucks 🙁
Post # 13
I don’t know if someone was there for me through the death of my sibling and literally at the hospital with me when I had my miscarriage i would feel pretty obligated to have them in my wedding even if they aren’t blood that is what family is to me people who are there for you and support you in your darkest most private moments that others may not. It would feel really odd and hurtful to me if she felt the need to have say some cousin who may have not been there through all this over me. Now if she had no bridesmaid whatsoever or had like literally one sister or something then that’s different.
Post # 14
She had a matron of honor, maid of honor, and three bridesmaids. One of which was a shared friend from graduate school that she told me she had to convince to be in the wedding.
Post # 15
yes. I specifically spoke to her in March and she said it would be at the wedding. And she had other friends as bridesmaids.