Post # 1
Thought about going anon for this.. but I’m tired of trying to hide for this.
I pretty much already know the answers I’m going to get.
I’ve been married for almost 2 years, it will be 2 years in May. I have not been happy for a very long time, and honestly I don’t even know why I got married in the first place. My husband is very charming, and to outsiders is a very good man. Goes to church regularly, is a family man, is involved in community activities, etc. But what others don’t see is that he is very, very critical of me, and pretty much everyone around.
He is so negative and has honestly turned me into a person that I don’t know that is negative and down all of the time. He talks critically about me and my body, but tries to do it in a way that doesn’t seem hurtful. (eg, wow, that girl has really nice legs, I bet you could get your legs looking that nice) I work very hard in the gym and have struggled with eating disorders over half of my life, so these kind of comments really trigger me.
He has no patience when it comes to our dog, or our nieces and nephews. He has made me not want to have children, because I don’t think I could raise kids with him.
Lastly, he has issues with being completely faithful. I don’t think he has ever physically cheated, but I have caught him doing online dating multiple times. The most recent time was today. This is the 4th or 5th time I have found out about him being on either Tinder or Plenty of Fish. Each time it seems to hurt less and less, which I think means I’m just done.
Like I said, I basically know what I’m going to hear. Just needed to let it out and get some support and advice on what to do. I’ve already taken screenshots of some of the e-mails from POF, but that’s all of the evidence that I have.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry, Bee. For what you are going through – you deserve to be treated better. It’s not appropriate for someone who is supposed to love and protect you to treat you the way you describe.
It sounds like you know what you need to do. There is no shame in standing up for yourself, getting out of this situation and choosing a happy life. Chin up & good luck ❤️
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
He sounds like a terrible and frightening partner, I’m so sorry. I would not feel respected AT ALL if I were in this relationship. In the end, no one can make this decision for you. My personal bias, however, is that when you have to ask the internet about a question like this, you already have your answer about whether you want to stay …
Post # 4
Hugs, bee. Hugs to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and you do need to do whats right for you. Doesnt matter if youve been married a day or a decade, you know when you know. Usually, its when that level of respect, or lack thereof, has been crossed.
Good on you for knowing what you need to do. A lot of people go into denial, and therefor stay in miserable relationships.
Post # 5
I am so sorry you are going through this. You should absolutely file for divorce. I would have been done for any one of the reasons you’ve mentioned, and you deserve better!
Post # 6
He’s on multiple dating sites on multiple occasions, and treats you with disrespect. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by leaving. I’d urge you to get out of this marriage now. With no kids it will one day seem like ancient history.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
Time to consult a lawyer. I’d list all the reasons why, but you obviously know them already. You deserve wayyy better, life is too short!
Post # 9
Girl, why is this even a question?! You deserve to be happy. Go call a lawyer.
Post # 10
I get it – you’re looking for validation, and I’m happy to give that to you. It’s time to get out. **Big hugs**
Post # 11
I would file for divorce. He’s disrespectful and online dating – what a loser!
Post # 12
Small steps when big ones seem overwhelming. Talking to a lawyer couldn’t hurt, only help you right now. I’d start there.
Post # 13
Yep, but get your financial ducks in a row before you tip your hand at all. Check your credit report to make sure he hasn’t taken our cards or loans in your name and account for all marital assets (savings, retirement, etc) so he can’t move anything on the sly. Screenshot his dating site history. It’s not evidence of cheating in most courts, but it’s close. Get checked for STIs just in case he has actually cheated and don’t expose yourself anymore for the sake of your own health. Protect yourself, Bee!
Post # 14
If you had a friend who was in your situation, what advice would you give them?
Your situation reminds me of the ex boyfriend I had between my exH and current partner. My ex was seen in my community as a leader, and we were a power couple. Behind closed doors? He was awful. He’d tear me down, and would lash out physically. He too, had no patience and was hypercritical. My ex also created rules that only benefited him throughout our polyamorous relationship (ie I had to date his partners, he could go on dating apps but I couldn’t, I could only date him but not another male, etc.), just a shitty relationship all around. The day I got out of the relationship was the hardest but happiest days of my life.
Your husband isn’t exhibiting behavior of someone who is in love with their spouse. He is exhibiting behavior consistent with dynamics associated with interpartner violence. I agree with any pp who said you need to leave, but please create a safety plan before doing so. That should include changing your phone number, blocking him on all social media platforms/email, locating a safe place to stay, and potentially staying in public and group settings with friends when you go out.
It takes the average person in toxic relationship approximately seven times to leave. It’s not going to be remotely easy and you will need support to get through this. If you feel lost, the folks at the domestic violence hotline can assist you (1-800-799-7233).
Don’t let the fact that he acts like the good guy in public or what your community thinks of him dissuade you from making the healthiest choice for YOU in the end. You owe no explanations to anyone. A person like him would most likely be resistant to therapy and based on what you’ve written, is not marriage worthy material in my book.
Please take care of yourself. Sending virtual hugs and good vibes your way.
Post # 15
futuremrss17 : I’m so sorry you’re being treated so poorly by your husband. What a jerk! His words and actions are downright disgusting and disrespectful to you as his wife and as a woman. You deserve to be happy, not to walk on eggshells around a pompus, lying, cheating ass. If you’re polling the crowd, my vote is a hearty “Divorce Him”.
Also, I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. Great guy on the surface, church-going, always said/did the right thing when others were listening/watching, but he was a completely different person behind closed doors. It started with small things like criticising my clothing, isolating me from friends/family, and a host of other small things, similar to what you’re describing. It escalated to physical violence within 14 months of marriage. By the time I finally left him, I was barely a shadow of myself. Please take care of yourself. PM me if you want to vent, chat, whatever.