Should I file for divorce?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

So many hugs bee!!! I agree with people that you should go secretly see a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row including bank accounts, passwords, personal documents etc. Anything the lawyer says you should need etc. Then get a new place set up so that when you pull the trigger on the divorce you can immediately move out.

Here is what i would say about telling people in your family or your friends. You and they will have a much easier time with this if you can tell them what you need from them. It will help them know how to support you, and help you keep this whole thing on track without hearing a lot of unecessary noise and advice. You know you need to leave and get a divorce, only you know how bad this has become. Don’t invite people to suggest you work it out. I don’t think that would be helpful at this point but people might feel obligated to suggest that or other ideas. If you go to them and say, I am going to file for divorce for xyz reasons and I need your support and love during this time, that gives people a firm idea of whats happening, and an understanding that your decision is made and you just need them to be there for you. It will also prevent people from trying to “fix” whats going on and instead direcly tells them you only need support as you do this not all different advice from all different people. 

Keep us updated bee, lots of love. 

Post # 48
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

futuremrss17 :   You’ve done so much important work!  I’m so proud of you, internet stranger!

The only little things I suggest are to keep him from making good on threats. If you haven’t already done so, change your passwords immediately and enable 2 factor authorization.  You may also want to freeze your credit by calling the credit bureaus.  If he has access to the lockbox, just open another at a different bank and move your papers now.  If your direct deposit goes to a joint account, change that now.  (It can take a couple of paychecks for payroll changes to stick.) If you don’t have a separate account, you’ll definitely want one immediately.

Definitely get the lawyer’s advice on sharing information with his employer and him selling the cars, etc.  You may be able to temporarily force him not to dispose of joint marital assets. 

Post # 49
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Glad you’re doing what’s best for you!

Apologies if someone’s already said this, but make sure you print out statements from all your credit cards, bank accounts, etc. and get receipts for any transactions so you have documentation if you do remove money from those accounts. That way you can show a record of what you did. 

Also, make a list of anything that comes addressed to both of you at your shared residence (bank statements, bills, etc.). As you close those accounts or they are moved to just one person, large companies often don’t completely remove all records of the other person. If you set up mail forwarding to your sister’s house you might end up getting bills, statements or other things mailed to you that you then have to work out how to return, which can be unpleasant in a hostile divorce. 

Post # 50
Member
3117 posts
Sugar bee

Please be careful about moving out at the same time he is served. You will have no control over the timing and he may rush home while you are in the middle of moving out. He will also be pissed because you served him at work. 

Also, it is not your job to tell his family. It also could be dangerous for you. Why provoke him? 

Post # 52
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee

Huge hugs, bee!  

I think you are handling this all really well and preparing yourself for the worst.

Couple things:

I would keep the engagement ring for now.  It’s technically your property free and clear.  But if you don’t want it because of what it symbolizes, then at least keep it as a bargaining chip.  Mark my words, he will fight you on some things and you need to be able to negotiate. 

Try to not smear his name to his friends and family, because it will only make you look bad.  Some people will choose sides and you just have to accept that.  No amount of explaining what happened will make people turn on him.  But also, you will be surprised at how many people probably picked up on who he really is and will be happy that you also figured it out.  (And while I’m still sad about losing certain close friends due to the divorce, I do not regret my decision as my life is 100% better now.  Those are then casualties of war, so to speak.)

Divorce is tough because even when it’s amicable, you are still losing a big part of your life.  You will even get sad about him at some point, which will make you feel crazy because of how he treated you.  But at some point, he wasn’t like that and you will mourn the loss of that person and the life you thought you would have.  Divorce is a loss similar to death, so don’t be surprised when you go through many different emotions.  

 

 

 

 

Post # 54
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Bee, I just want to wish you the best of luck. I’m impressed with how you’ve prepared thus far, during what is a very trying time. Please keep us posted on you serving him papers, moving out, etc.

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