(Closed) Should I fire my maid of honor? HELP!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

O I’m sorry you are dealing with this! I think that you have done enough to accomodate her here. Of course it is alot for her to travel but she presumably knew this when you asked her to be you Maid/Matron of Honor but still accepted.

Perhaps the best course of action would be to email (or whatever your usual method of communication is) and say that it’s such a shame that the wedding is a financial strain for her and if she feels that she can no longer be in the wedding party you wil totally understand. Then she either has to say that she can handle the financial strain or she has to bow out. Either way, you no longer have to worry about her.

Good luck! 

Post # 4
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’ll start with this- worrying about retirement at 26 is a good thing and not something you should judge her on. I look at my finances right now and am feeling the pinch for my friend’s wedding. It is tough. You have to buy stuff for someone else’s one day and it causes strain on your discretionary spending. I’d rather be putting that money in my savings account than spending it on anything and I make ok money. I can see how she views it as a financial strain.

The one thing that sticks out to me is “She needs money to look for a job when she gets back.” Did she lose her job or did I miss something?

I don’t know that I’d fire her. I’d reach out to her and find out what she’s thinking. Your wedding is a little ways away yet so theres still time to work things out.

Post # 6
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Soon2bMrsS18:  I see. If it were me, I’d have planned to put $100 aside each paycheck to cover the flight and work the rest out. Like you said- I’d rather be there than not. Maybe give her another week or two and then reach out to her again just to figure out where she stands with it all. You do seem to have done a lot to accomodate her and the challenges.

Post # 7
8883 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Honestly, I see your side of this 100%. You have done more than enough to help her out. You are spending a lot more than most people would to have her be part of your special day.

I’m sure mostly everyone will disagree with me, but I think your friend is being selfish. The ONLY thing she has to pay for is her flight and everything else is taken care of. If she really is making good money, then the flight isn’t much of a strain on her.

I don’t make a lot of money, but I can say without a doubt if I were in this position and my BFF lived far away I would not hesitate to spend the money to be there, considering all the other costs have been covered.

When she accepted to be Maid/Matron of Honor she knew she would have to cover the cost of flying home. If it was too expensive she should have politely declined. You should definitely pick up the phone and call her and tell her exactly how you are feeling. If she really is your best friend she will find a way to be there.

Post # 8
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ok.  I understand that you are hurt by her actions.  That much is clear.

I think it is very nice that you are trying to help out with her accommodation at the Destination Wedding.  The bride and groom do not need to do that for their guests.  It also soundsl ike you have tried to help with her dress, which is also nice.  The professional hair, if you require it, should in fact be paid by you (or you can give her the option to do the hair herself if it is a financial strain).

Still, if your wedding is too expensive for her to attend, there really isn’t any getting around that.  Perhaps she thought she would be able to come and then didn’t quite have enough saved by the time it came to buy tickets.  Just because you were able to spend money on her wedding doesn’t give her the same ability.  None of us have any idea what are friends’ financial situations are, even if they have a “good job”.  You should not hold over her head your wedding gift or attendance at her shower/bachelorette, because these are optional parties, she does not need to attend these events for you.

If you cannot afford to pay any more for her, just tell her that.  Say “Sally, I really hope you will still be able to come to the wedding, but unfortunatly there is only so much help I can give you.  You know what things cost, and that’s just the way it is.  I will miss you if you cannot attend, but I completely understand.”

Perhaps she is not IGNORING you, just avoiding the inevitable of telling you she won’t be able to make it after all.

My advice for you is the same advice I give ALL other brides trying to “fire” their attendants – just don’t do it.  It doesn’t matter how kindly you tell them, its a friendship ending move and should be avoided at all costs, unless the friendship is over anyway and you don’t care.

Post # 9
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t kick her out – that would be a friendship ending move and wouldn’t reflect well on you.  I think you’ve been very generous in all that you have offered and if she can’t afford to come, then she can’t afford to come.  It’s unfair for you to say that you spent $X amount on her so she should be able to spend $Y amount on you.  Maybe when you asked her she thought she could save enough, but now is realizing that she might not be able to.  You don’t know her fiancial situation and $1500 on a plane ticket can easily be a financial strain on someone.

She also doesn’t have to help plan or attend any pre-wedding parties.  All she needs to do is show up on the day of the wedding.  You asked her because she is a very good friend, so I wouldn’t put pressure on her to decide right now if she can come or not.  And worse case scenario is she isn’t able to afford to come and one Groomsmen walks alone and you have the other Bridesmaid or Best Man hold your boquet and act as a witness. 

26 is about the best time to start saving for retirement and putting money into a 401k or something like that.  So as PP said, you can’t judge her at all for that.

As PP suggested, just keep reaching out to her and trying to come up with a solution.  It might be a bit stressful but I bet it’d be worth it if it meant your best friend being able to stand up with you.

Post # 11
1390 posts
Bumble bee

I nearly had my sister back out because of financial reasons. My parents ended up paying for everything for her family as a result. She just stopped responding to emails. We gave her 20 months of advance notice AND my parents had already offered to pay for her room.  If you’re not willing to pay for her 100%, I’d ask her to step down. She clearly doesn’t feel that she’s able to spend the money to get home. Whether it would actually be a financial hardship doesn’t really matter. If she’s not willing to part with the money, you have to decide how important it is that she be there. Also, keep in mind my favorite quote. “Never make anyone a priority who considers you optional.” If she’s okay missing the wedding, let her.

Also, if you want to PM me feel free! In addition to crazy bridesmaids I also have guests who aren’t coming after I trekked across country to remote islands for their weddings. I find it, infuriating.

Post # 12
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Soon2bMrsS18: Let’s break this down: you’re paying for her dress, transportation, lodging and food for the week, and now for her hair the day of the wedding, and she is complaining that your wedding is a strain on her? Did she think she’d just teleport home and not have to pay for a flight when she agreed to be your MOH? It sounds like she is fishing for you to pay for her flight, too, since you paid for everything else. It would be one thing if she said, “I’m doing my best to save for the flight. It’s hard and I’m having to juggle some stuff but will make it happen.” but instead from what you wrote, it sounds like she is saying, “Gee…I just don’t know how I will ever manage to come home…*hint hint*” If she can look ahead for retirement plans, then I’m betting she can look ahead and figure out that agreeing to be your Maid/Matron of Honor would be something to save for, too.

I’d write her back and say that you’re looking forward to seeing her and hope she can work it out. I’d give her until the end of May to come up with a game plan on whether she can save enough to fly home. Come June, if she honestly can’t see affording it, then I would do as Westvillebride suggested. If she continues to ignore you, I’d give her a two-week deadline letting her know that if you haven’t heard from her by then you will proceed without her.

Post # 13
719 posts
Busy bee

@Soon2bMrsS18:  It sounds like she is telling you she can’t afford to be in the wedding. I would send her a note saying something like “I understand you can’t afford to be in the wedding…unfortunately we can’t afford to fly you home in addition to the other expenses we are covering, so it seems like it would be best for you to not be in the bridal party. If you find a way to make it to the wedding, we will be thrilled, but we understand if you can’t make it”.  Leave it at that. I love it when people agree to be in a wedding and then complain about the time/cost, etc.  You should know what to expect going in and you are being MORE than generous. 

Post # 14
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If she commited to coming, she has the responsibility of going or letting you know EITHER WAY.  

You have put more than enough monetary benefits into this–arranged transportation, free room, board, booze! Free dress, free hair. What a nice vacation!  What’s next? Free spending money and a brand new car? You are being MORE than fair with your accomodations for her. And what a good friend. To even consider getting a part time job so you could put money towards her flight. I can’t even. That’s so generous, and she is lucky to have you as a friend. It’s ashame she’s a selfish wench.

This girl isn’t willing to spend $1300 dollars she’s had however long to save because she would rather it go into retirement? I find this incredibly selfish. Imagine if everyone used this excuse to get out of events they didn’t want to go to. Sorry, Jane, can’t go to your birthday dinner. Would rather put that money towards my retirement! Are you freaking serious? What point is living life if you don’t engage with your friends, have meaningful deep friendships, and spend a little money getting an experience?

I’m sorry. That’s complete nonsense. What’s worse is that she won’t even address you about it. Beyond fucked up and I can’t even defend her. Her actions are terrible. With friends like these!

But, ever still, wouldn’t fire her. Would probably let it lay, let her be the bad one, go on with my business and consider her an ex-friend if she made no future efforts to acknowledge she is happy for you and your impending marriage.

Post # 15
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I get where you are coming from. One of my bridesmaids/best friends lives in Argentina and I’m still not 100% sure she will be able to make it to the wedding, but we knew this when I asked her. We are doing everything we can planning wise acting like she will be here in July, but I won’t know for sure for about another month. I know how disappointed I will be if she can’t make it, but I also totally understand. It’s a very expensive plane ticket to just be here for a long weekend! I made it clear to her when I asked her to be a bridesmaid that I loved her to pieces and I want her standing up with me, but I also would be understanding if she wasn’t comfortable shelling out the money for her plane ticket home.

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