(Closed) Should I fire them?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If I were in your shoes ( and I may be soon!) I would just replace them. Its your special day and you asked them to be there to enjoy that day with you and all the stuff leading up to it. When taking on a Bridesmaid or Best Man role (and maybe I’m just assuming this) but you know that the bride is going to be need help and that you will be involved in ALOT of whats going on with the wedding. Do what is going to make YOU HAPPY and what will cause YOU LESS STRESS at the end of the day.

Post # 4
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

well your bridesmaids don’t work for you so you can’t really fire them.

No one is “supposed” to do anything for your wedding – whether it be a shower or bachelorette party or help on your DIY projects.  Sure, it’s nice if they do but it’s not a requirement.  People have lives outside of your wedding activities, and it’s disappointing if they can’t make it or help out, but life goes on.

I think it’s crazy to be upset about lack of bach party plans when your wedding is in June! Give it a rest!

If you only want your friends in your wedding so they’d plan you parties then I think your expectations need to be realigned.  SUre, I’ve had some frustrating issues with my wedding party, but never once would I think to kick them out because they couldn’t make it to a shower or didn’t plan me a bachelorette party, or didn’t talk to me on a regular basis. 

Post # 5
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh you will doubtless hear plenty on this one. Many believe that ALL a Bridesmaid or Best Man has to do is show up on the big day, properly dressed. I am not one of those people. Of course BMs are not really maids, but personally, I do expect input, feedback, and participation in events like dress-shopping, showers and the like. I would have no problem with replacing them.

Post # 6
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you fire them, you will lose them as friends. 

As far as your mom telling you they are not helping with the shower, that is not helpful.  In fact, it is hurtful and I’m not sure why she would go out of her way to give you that information.

These girls aren’t mind readers.  Are they married yet?  They probably do not know what they need to do.  You need to ask for help if you want it.

Also, I am guessing they emailed you about not being able to attend the shower instead of call because they feel bad and are embarassed.  If one cannot afford the dress, there is no way she would be able to afford to go to VA.  Why wasn’t the other Bridesmaid or Best Man consulted on what day the shower would be?  It should’ve been set up so that all the BMs could go.

Post # 7
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@trueblue14:  You are so very right. Every wedding I’ve been in I’ve been expected to help with numerous things and I never thought twice about it. 

@Ashbash85:  This is tricky because while people’s lives do go on, their lack of communication is frustrating to you. My best suggestion is to ask them if they want to get coffee or a bite to eat and not talk about anything wedding related. Ask them about their lives and make sure they know how much their friendship means to you. 

Before you think about asking them not to be in the wedding, evaluate whether the friendship is worth saving. 

Post # 8
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@Ashbash85:  

The Bridesmaid or Best Man who lives 20 minutes away: It’s troubling that she backs out of all social plans with you. However, I think the fact that she emailed you about the bridal shower indicates that she’s embarrassed about her financial situation. How much is the bridesmaid dress? Also, transportation from VA to MA isn’t exactly cheap.

The Bridesmaid or Best Man who lives out of state: You mentioned that she is in school, which really limits the amount of time she has to spend on your wedding planning. I think it’s unfair for you to judge the importance of her academic events unless you actually attend her program, and it’s unrealistic for you to expect her to prioritize you above school.

Overall: It sounds like you are expecting your bridesmaids to be brideslaves. Bridal showers and bachelorette parties are a nice way to honor the bride, but they’re entirely optional. It is poor etiquette to force someone to throw you a party in your honor. As for wedding planning, you cannot expect anyone to do that for you.

Emily Post says:

• It had long been considered a breach of etiquette for the bride’s family members to host showers.

• Contrary to popular belief, the maid/matron of honor and the bridesmaids are not required to host a shower as part of their official responsibilities, though they certainly can if they want to.

Source: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/new-times-new-traditions/129-who-can-host-a-shower

Post # 11
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Ashbash85:  I totally feel for you. It’s terrible to feel like you have no support or help with the planning portion. I don’t think the bride alone should be completely and totally responsible for everything. Friends should be providing support, not starting fights or being stubborn/difficult. Friends take care of each other! 

I’ve come to realize that weddings can really test female relationships. All sorts of emotions may come up and some people aren’t sure how to deal with them. So they act out or distance themselves. Jealousy or envy are present a lot of the time as well. 

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time with them. It sucks when the people you thought were your friends aren’t there for you! 

Post # 12
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It’s your wedding, if you need help that’s what your fiance’s for. I’ve been a bridesmaid 9 times and no one ever asked for “support.” It’s a wedding, not a tragedy.

Post # 13
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@oneofthesethings:  It’s a wedding, not a tragedy.

This. Seriously.

I’m sorry that you’re frustrated and don’t feel that your friends are giving you or your wedding enough attention, but asking them to go to MA for the SHOWER is asking a lot.  Maybe when they got their invitations they got excited and said they were going to come, but then realized how expensive that might be and things changed. 

It sucks having flakey bridesmaids.  I’ve been there.  One of my bridesmaids promised she would be at my shower and my bachelorette party and didn’t show to either.  None of my BMs got me gifts.  One of my BM’s brough her boyfriend to my wedding.  No big deal right?  Oh wait, she is married.  She lied and told me it was her “gay best friend”, but they were clearly dating.

It sucks.  Some people are high maintenance, but the fact remains that they are your FRIENDS.  They will be there for you on your wedding day and that’s what really matters.

Post # 15
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

OP – I love that you can accept advice and keep a good sense of humor :). You’ll be fine! Best of luck with your wedding!

Post # 16
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What is your fiance doing to help? You shouldn’t be feeling alone in planning your wedding – that is what your fiance is for, it’s HIS wedding, too!  He should be the person giving you the most help and support.

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