Post # 1
im new to the site but I have always watched from afar. I’m now engaged and happy as ever. Our families finally met this past weekend and we were discussing wedding dates.
We plan to have the wedding in January or February of 2017 in Miami at my aunts house. She lives on a beautiful lake and even has a small beach in her back yard. Because Miami weather is so HOT, we really want to have a wedding during the cooler months so that people can enjoy themselves outside.
My mother passed away on Feb 11th 15 years ago. I initially thought about possibly having our wedding on this day as a way to memorialize her through love and a happy occasion. I personally liked the idea because I know that my mother would have wanted us all together and happy. I was first met with some resistance and comments against this date as many thought I would perhaps be too emotional. After I explained to our family that after time, I really don’t even like to remember this day as negative but I instead try to think of all of the happy moments with my mother.
We even played a little game over the weekend in which my fiancé and I picked between this date and another without knowing. Feb 11th came up repeatedly. A sign perhaps?
So I basically wanted to ask everyone’s personal opinion and what you would do if you were in my shoes. We have plenty of other dates to chose from but I feel connected to this somehow. We will not be telling other guests about this but thought it would be something my family and I could share on that day together. I know the decision is very personal but I really do appreciate any input. Thank you in advance.
Post # 2
I understand the sentiment of turning a negative into a positive, but they’re separate relationships, separate emotions, and deserve separate events. Both of my parents are dead and I just feel like these hallmarks would just compete with each other. I want to give myself fully to joy on my wedding day and anniversaries thereafter, not a kind of bittersweetness.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t do it, personally. For one thing, it’s about more than just you—some of your other family members may be hurting on that day, too. But also, I don’t know that it’s healthy to try to make the day someone close to you died more “positive.” It’s okay for that to always be a sad day. You need to leave room in your life to grieve your mother. I would ask yourself if you are in some ways trying to deny the meaning of that day.
Post # 4
I almost scheduled my wedding on the anniversary of my father’s death. I know, I know. That whole summer is still a blur to me and I remember him by his birthday, which is the day after. It just happened to be a Saturday in July that the venue was available. My mom very kindly requested we change it if possible because she felt weird about it and I happily obliged.
Basically…if you have close family attending they could be very uncomfortable with it, and you either need to own the fact that you’re picking a day sensitive (in a bad way) to them or choose a different day without the weird vibes. I would do the latter, if for no other reason than you get a day to remember your mom and another for your wedding anniversary. Maximize your number of celebratory days in a year.
Post # 5
My uncle got married on my grandfathers birthday to honor him. I’m not sure if that’s an option, but just an idea.
Post # 6
I don’t know what you should do, but I can tell you how I would deal with it. My grandmother played an integral role in raising me and she passed away a year and half ago. To say we were close would be an understament – in fact I’m tearing up as I type this. I had considered getting married on her birthday, but I would be too emotional. Two of her birthdays have passed and it’s kind of a personal holiday for me – I reflect on our relationship and what she meant to me. I’ll even wear a fancy dress to celebrate it. Her death is fairly recent so our situations differ, but what I have learned about the 7 stages of grief is that it’s truly a cycle. You may reach acceptance at one point, but at any given moment you can go all the way back to shock. You oscillate between all of these stages for pretty much the rest of your life. I’m already upset that she won’t see me get married, and I don’t know where in that cycle I’ll be on that day. When someone mentioned her during the toasts at my engagement party, I had to escape from the party for a few minutes to recompose myself. It’s just too much too layer on.
Post # 7
I would be concerned that your Dad, siblings or your mum’s other relatives would find it too painful but not feel like it’s their place to try to dictate your wedding so not object to your face. However if your 100% sure this won’t upset anyone then it’s fine if you’re comfortable with it.
Post # 8
I’ve lost both of my parents and my husband has lost his mom. We would never do this, but obviously it’s your choice.
Post # 9
I think that is a wonderful way to remember your mother on your wedding day! It is YOUR day, do whatever it takes to make it special for you. I personally find the idea and sentiment beautiful. Best of luck!
Post # 10
My mother died on the winter solstice, a day I’ve come to hate. It has also ruined the holidays for me. Your wedding and your mother’s death are mutually exclusive events. Are you certain you want to mix the emotions that one event evokes with the other?
Post # 11
This is going to be one of the most memorable days of your life, choose the affiliations carefully but if makes you happier, that’s all that matters.
Post # 12
Sure, why not? Then again, if my family members pushed back on it, and I wasn’t strongly tied to the 11th, then I’d avoid it out of respect for them and their comfort as guests at my wedding.
Having lost my mom, I can honestly say that there are times when I “hear her voice in my head” about stuff and I feel very confident it’s what she’d say were she still here with me. And my mom would say, “pfft, like I’m going to commemorate the day I died.” She wouldn’t. We don’t. We remember her on that date but we remember her all the time. Granted, had she died as an act of service to others, we would. We commemorate those death dates.
Anyway, I’m also one of “those Bees” who picked a wedding date that was important to me without polling the audience for guests’ opinions or concerns. We wanted our wedding anniversary to be a specific date that was special to us and we’ve happily celebrated it seventeen times since without giving a second thought to the RSVP Nos we received due to any scheduling conflicts.
Just my $0.02.
eta: and welcome to Bee!
Post # 13
I personally wouldn’t – I think the passing of your mom deserves its own day and is significant in a different way than marriage. Plus, maybe this is the cynic in me talking, but what if you end up getting divorced?
Post # 14
If it was her birthday, I would say yes, but I wouldn’t do death anniversary…while I get your intention, some of your other family may not be comfortable with it and while it is “your day” – on something like this – their feelings matter too…
I lost my father – his anniversary is always a sad day for me…I don’t think my anniversary would make it a happy day, I think every year I would feel really weird…almost like I was trying to erase his memory.
Post # 15
Everyone has very valid points. I lost my father a few years ago at a separate time so I know my wedding is going to be particularly emotional for everyone. I spoke to my brother today and he said that he actually likes the idea. I would still like to speak to my grandmother and see what she would have to say.
At the end of the day, I know that any day will be special for my fiancé and I to get married. I know that ultimately it is up to us but I don’t want close family upset over it either. Not everyone copes in the same manner I do.
I am so appreciative of all of the input I have read on here!