(Closed) Should I give him a hall pass?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Gina84:  I would not want to marry someone that slept with someone else, even “just” one time. Others would forgive a single indiscretion. Neither is universally right or wrong, but it’s not your choice to make, it’s his. You should absolutely tell him and not try to make up for your mistake with a hall pass, how very immature. 

Post # 17
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

I would feel guilty too. Honestly if I was in your partner’s shoes, I’d want to be told. At least then I would get to make the decision to stay or leave. Frankly, I wouldn’t blame him for a second if he walked away. What you did truly was stupid and disrespectful of the feelings of someone you claim to love. I don’t know if there’s a good way to break this to him, but if my husband came home and said “I had a little too much fun at guy’s night and I slept with some random chick that I have no feelings for.” I’d be out as soon as I could. Come clean, allow him to decide. It’s not your guilt to live with. It’s your mistake to live with and even if it does make him feel crappy, he at least deserves to know. 

Post # 18
Member
9095 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would not marry someone who slept around behind my back.<br /><br />If you’re not going to tell him, then leave him. If you’re going to stay with him, you absolutely must tell him. No hall passes — We’re adults here.

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Post # 19
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Gina84:  hmmm…well, in that case I think I would tell him. It’s too big a secret to keep; I think it’ll eat away at you over time. 

Post # 20
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you had just kissed the guy i’d say fine…but you slept with him. And what’s worse, you don’t even know why, which to me means it could easily happen again.

Yes, tell him. And no hallpass…that will only make everything worse.

Post # 21
Member
5107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Here’s how I see it.  There is no good OUT of this.  

Option one:  You tell him.  He never trusts you again.  I don’t care who you are or who you love.  Getting over a transgression like this is damn near impossible.  If you give him a HALL PASS, it will just make things worse.  You going to plant the seed inside his mind that this type of behavior is acceptable.  That won’t help anything.

Option two:  You don’t tell him.  If you are even an averagely moral person, then your guilt will eat away at you until you eventually confess or your own guilt will turn into suspicion towards your potential husband and you wil push him away. Not to mention that if anyone else knows about what you did it could come out. 

Option three:  This one is the most messy.  If you don’t want to tell him and you don’t want to risk it getting out, you are going to need an unmarked pistol, a shovel, and an unmarked shack in the Nevada desert.  You gather all the girls you had the Night Out with.  You tell them you have an All Girls Night planned in Las Vegas.  Once you are in Nevada, you have a car rented in a dummy corporations name.  Depending on the amount of girlfriends, you may need a van.  Tell them you have a Magic Mike like experience booked them on the outskirts of town.  You take them to the deserted shack and when they ask, “What’s going on?”  You gun them down and bury them in the desert. Something tells me this option might be a bit overkill lol. 

If none of these options work for you, then you have to do the right thing and call everything off and move on.  After the actions you have performed, I don’t think there is an option where everything is ok.  You did something wrong and you have to admit it and hold your self accountable.  You have to accept that you have ruined your relationship.  End it quickly and move on.  Learn from this mistake and be better.  When you meet a great man next time…Don’t make the same mistake.

Post # 22
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Yes tell him, and offering a hallpass is insulting and weird

Post # 23
Member
49 posts
Newbee

I would tell him and let him make the decision.  He deserves to know.  If you don’t tell him, it could come out years down the road and be even worse then.  Personally, I can’t imagine keeping a secret like this from the person I love.  

I also would NOT offer a hall pass.  That’s insulting.  

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  kaseylynn.
Post # 24
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

carolinabelle:  ren89:  

Ditto. He deserves to know – that’s absolutely a dealbreaker for me (and most people!) He shouldn’t go into marriage being lied to and betrayed, and he deserves to be able to choose whether to stay or leave. It would be cruel not to tell him.

Post # 25
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Gina84:  You’ve got to be honest with him. Don’t offer a hall pass. That’s a slippery slope to start. He will be upaet, and putting the idea that he should go find another woman for his hall pass isn’t something that should be offered to make things “even”. What will make it better is proving yourself and earning his trust back.

Post # 26
Member
3464 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

No hall pass. He deserves to know what you did, and he will decide if he wants to stay with you or not. IMO cheating like that is a no no.

Post # 27
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

Gina84:  He deserves to know.  If you love him, you’ll tell him.  It won’t be easy, and the relationship may never be the same.  But I hate to say it, you cheated on him.  Whether you were drunk or not, you cheated.  And he deserves to know before he decides on a future with you.  Another bee did something similiar, and she and her fiance are working it out.  don’t do this to Dave and allow him to beleive you’ve been faithful when you weren’t.

I cheated on an ex before and it ate me up knowing I did and not saying something right away.  I did tell him, but we were already falling apart before I cheated because we were still working from when he cheated on me.

Post # 28
Member
7418 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you truly believe a “hall pass” is somehow going to make things better, then perhaps you’re not really truly ready to be married.

Post # 29
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Gina84:  You have to tell him. I couldnt never keep something so major from my Fiance, and if my Fiance kept something like this from me I would be devastated. As PP said, the longer you wait the worse it’ll be.

I’m sure you suggested hall pass as a way to even the playing field… but it’s a terrible idea. It would be insulting and also a nightmare if he did it. You need to rebuild trust if you’re going to move forward, not destroy it even more.

 

Post # 30
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Gina84:  I would tell him. I couldn’t keep something like that from Darling Husband and think our relationship would be okay. How does giving him a “hall pass” resolve any issues in the relationship? Two wrongs definitely do not make a right, and allowing him to sleep with someone will do nothing but add friction and resentment into the relationship. It’s not a solution, but a way to make yourself feel better. Tell him what happened, and tell him you understand how much you hurt him. The only thing you can then do is wait and see how he responds and what he chooses to do. 

ETA: Oh, and if Darling Husband ever cheated and then gave me a “hall pass” I’d be friggin pissed. I’m not going to cheat on my husband just because he made a mistake. I would take it as an insult to my integrity. He may not, but just a heads up. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  KatiePi.

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