(Closed) Should I give him a hall pass?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I assume that a “hall pass” is offering to let him sleep with someone else? If I was offered a hall pass, I would instantly know exactly what happened and that you were not sorry, just trying to even the score. I wouldn’t take the chance to sleep with someone else, I like being in a monogamous relationship with my husband. That’s why he’s my husband. 

 

Maybe I don’t understand “hall pass”? 

Post # 32
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Gina84: *tough love here*

turn the tables, if he did this to you, how would you react?

You want to marry this man, maybe have a family with this man, why on earth would you do that to someone you love? Your mistake is not telling him right away. I just feel like you are very nonchalant about it. Honesty is the best answer here and if you can’t even do that, then I suggest that you don’t get married. This poor man is under the assumption that you are an honest person, which at this point you are not. Giving him a hall pass won’t make the situation ANY better only worse. Your mistake-you must live with the results of your actions.

Post # 34
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Gina84:  Before this happened did you “know” you’d never cheat on him? 

Are you going to tell him?

Post # 35
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

Gina84:  So, him cheating on you negates your cheating? You think that will take away any hurt and anger that you may have cause him by offering that up, or that it will somehow make it ok?

Not quite. And, the fact that you are so lost in this relationship after TWO years goes to show that you are either too young/immature to settle down, or that he is not the one (as you said).

Post # 36
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Nope. No. A hall pass is a terrible idea. Tell him the truth and let him decide what he wants to do, which may be take a break from each other. He has a right to know and make a decision fully knowledgeable of the situation.

Even in theory your hall pass idea doesn’t make sense because it won’t even the score. You cheated without his permisson or knowledge. Giving him permission to go out and have sex with someone other than yourself is not the same as what you did. The score will only be even when he cheats on you without your knowledge or permission and then lies about it via omission

Post # 37
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

Gina84:  Honestly, telling him you cheated and then offering him the same is kind of like saying “Not only do I not care enough about you to not sleep with someone else, I also don’t care enough to care if you do either.” The hallpass idea is awful. I might be wrong, but I don’t think I am.

I think you should definitely tell him. With that being said, I think the fact that you are not married to him does make a difference in whether or not you have to. The question is, how will he react to it if he finds out later down the road? 

I am also going to say that I wouldn’t get married anytime soon. You aren’t ready. I’m not just saying that to be snotty and it isn’t from a place of judgement either. It is simply based from my own experience. If you are still in a place in your life where things like what happened happen, then you are not in the right place for marriage.

Post # 38
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

Gina84:  I sort of understand what you are saying but a hall pass won’t fix his insecurities about being less experienced, it won’t make him more comfortable about what you did before you were with him (which is frankly none of his business anyway) and most importantly it definitely won’t make either of you feel better about you cheating on him.  I’m very sorry you’re in this situation but the truth is you cheated on your partner and your only decent option is to tell him. You can offer to go to couples counselling and hope he can find a way to forgive you but be prepared that it is most likely he won’t be able to. 

Post # 39
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

A hall pass? Really? I can see it now… “Dave, I’m so sorry but I fucked some random dude. Go ahead and bang a chick of your choosing then we can carry on with life as if everything is peachy.” Um, no.

You disrepsected the man that you want to marry in one of the worst ways possible. You need to tell him so that he can decide how he wants to proceed. Maybe he’ll forgive you but he probably won’t. I know that I wouldn’t. But this is a call that he gets to make and you just have to live with what he chooses. You fucked up, now you have to pay the price. 

Post # 40
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

Do NOT tell him anything!! you live with your guilt as your own punnishment and reminder to never do it again, you take it to your grave

Post # 41
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

yumcheez:  and what about Dave? I don’t really see how this attitude does anything except encourage people to get away with cheating as long as their partner never finds out.

Post # 42
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

Gina84: It’s always eye roll inducing when cheaters say how “it will never happen again”. Prior to this incident, did you ever claim that you wouldn’t cheat on a significant other? I know many people who have, including myself. I’ve said that I would never cheat and I’ve lived up to it. You did it once, you very well may do it again, but even if you don’t, you need to stop using that as some kind of crutch to justify what you did. You cheated. What’s done is done. Do not offer this stupid hall pass. It’s insulting and you don’t get to make yourself feel better by allowing him to “even the score” (which it wouldn’t anyway). You really need to grow up. 

Post # 43
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Assuming it was a one time thing – I wouldn’t tell and I wouldn’t want to be told. You arent even engaged yet!  Live with your guilt as punishment.  Everyone makes mistakes!

Post # 44
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Bridey77:  “I am also going to say that I wouldn’t get married anytime soon. You aren’t ready. I’m not just saying that to be snotty and it isn’t from a place of judgement either. It is simply based from my own experience. If you are still in a place in your life where things like what happened happen, then you are not in the right place for marriage.”<br /><br />Yes, this +100.

If you are with the right person that you are supposed to marry, this doesn’t happen. You don’t even begin to get in a compromising position with another man where you can end up sleeping with him. I don’t think it’s fair to him or you to keep going in this relationship without being honest with him and honest with yourself about why you let this happen. 

 

 

Post # 45
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

CityBearBride:  It’s not like she slipped and fell on his dick. That would be a mistake. Cheating on someone that you supposedly love is not a “mistake”. It’s blatent disrespect of the man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

And what does marital status have to do with it? So having a ring on your finger is the key to honesty? Before then we can all just lie to each other? Hmm…

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