(Closed) Should I give him a hall pass?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Hall Pass??? Oh no!!  That was just a movie!  Not real life :/

People make mistakes.  If you want a future together you have to face reality and deal with problems as they come. 

Post # 47
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

“Am I making sense here?”

Gina84:  To be honest, not really. Marriages that last are built on trust, loyalty, love, and faith in one another. The ones built on tit-for-tat booty calls? Not so much. 

Post # 48
Member
987 posts
Busy bee

ilovebacon:  lmao “its not like she slipped and fell on his dick” thi gave me the best laugh!! thankyou.

OP. Im gonna echo majority of the PP, you need to tell him ASAP and let him decide what he wants to do. i dont give a damn if you think it was a one time mistake or not, you still did it and as the other person in the relationship he has a right to know – PERIOD

that whole “dont tell him and live with your own guilt” is complete garbage imo. thats an excuse for not fessing up. live with your own guilt by keeping quiet?! no u live with your guilt by telling him the truth and dealing with any possible consequence. how would u feel if he did that to you? barring u actually give a damn about infidelity bcus your offering of a hall pass makes it appear as if you dont.

u messed up, it happens. be honest with him, he already knows something is bothering u, just tell him. best case scenario he sees ur sorry and gives u another chance..worst case he leaves (which i wouldnt blame him for). i think for me, 10 years from now id rather know my SO knew every bad thing i did and chose to stay with me then what if i told him about that time i cheated, would we still be together? but thats just me

ive been Dave and ive been you (i didnt sleep with the guy but i was “inappropriate”). i was happy my bf was honest and told me..and my current bf is still with me despite a mistake i made in the past.. and u know what he said to me? he stayed with me because i was honest as i could hav just lied and he never would have known, he told me he appreciated my honesty. not saying for sure Dave will stay, but he will probably appreciate your honesty. and FORGET ABOUT THE HALL PASS.

best of luck. (btw im typing on mobile so i may have plenty grammar errors)

Gina84:  

Post # 49
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I would be honest and just tell him. 

Post # 50
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Gina84:  No hall pass. That’s insulting. Telling him will ruin the relationship most probably. But he deserves to know what kind of a shitty thing you did and needs testing for Save-The-Date Cards. It’s a quandry.

If you don’t know why it happened, it will happen again. Been there done that.

Cheated 1st time. Told the guy and we worked through it. Cheated 2nd time. Figured out I was doing it because I didn’t actually like my boyfriend.

Post # 51
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

No judgement here.  I agree with the posters that a hall pass is a very slippery slope.  Things are messy (for you and potentially him) and about to get messier whether you tell or do not.  So giving him a hall pass would only complicate your situation.

I think you should tell him what happened.  If you two want to some day be life partners, I feel he should be able to make that decision based upon the new circumstances.  The mistake was made and now you have to decide how you’re going to proceed.  Good luck.

Post # 52
Member
6648 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I’m going with the unpopular minority here and I don’t think you should tell him. You made a mistake, it won’t happen again, he likely won’t find out, so why make him feel awful and potentially throw the relationship away by telling him? The guilt is YOURS to bear, so find a way to cope. I firmly believe that telling the partner in a situation like this is for YOUR benefit and not his.

And, for the record, I apply the same thinking to my own life and relationship. I have never cheated on Darling Husband, and as far as I know, he has never cheated on me. However, if he were to make a mistake and provided that he knew it was an awful mistake that he wished he could erase and vowed to himself that he would never allow it to happen again, I would not want to know. I trust him, and knowing that he cheated (even if it was a mistake he would never want to repeat) would destroy that trust. I very likely could never forgive him. I wouldn’t want to be burdened with that knowledge as long as he felt sufficiently horrible and never let it happen again. 

Post # 53
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

You throw away the relationship the moment you make the decision to cheat. Your potential Fiance deserves all the facts before committing his life to you. Youve already disrespected him once by cheating, to keep this from him is just another layer of betrayal. 

Post # 54
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper

oneofthesethings:  the hell kinda advice is that?  My husband laughed at that and wondered you got that logic from. You’re basically saying Dave gets to stay with a woman who cheated on him? because he’d feel like shit?  He didn’t cheat OP did. 

Post # 55
Member
11535 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sorry if this is harsh, but IMO you already made your decision when you slept with this other person. 

Part of growing up is realizing that there are consequences that apologies won’t get us out of. no matter what you do, your relationship will not be the same. So, either you come clean or you live with the guilt. I vote for coming clean, because I wouldn’t want to be lied to. 

Post # 56
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Gina84:  Going to be honest. I would want to know. Everytime people say “If you won’t do it again, what is the point in telling” all I can think is unless you know why you did it the first time, how do you know you won’t do it again and quite frankly your partner has a right to know. They have a right to know they may be at risk for stds that they hadn’t considered until now.

Oh and the evening things up, what the hell… My dh had slept with like 3 or 4 people before me. I had slept with none, I don’t want anything evened up. I just want him to only sleep with me. So while you might think the “hall pass” is a great idea, I can’t see it going over well at all. Well unless he doesn’t actually care about you at all because then it’d be why the hell not but if he cares it will be an added slap in the face.

It seems to me, you think a “hall pass” will help soften the blow, it won’t. It might make it worse or it might not but I can assure you it will not soften the fact that you slept with someone else. I get that you feel terrible but actions have consequences and you need to be prepared for the fact that he might decide it is over because of your mistake. My dh and I have a no cheating policy, we know full well if we do anything it is over. Maybe we would try work through it, depending on who the person who was cheated on felt but we don’t count on that.  You need to prepare yourself for the same.

You said yourself you don’t know how you got to that point with the other guy which tells me you haven’t worked out why you cheated. In my opinion (which is not proffessional at all), until you can work it out and work on that issue, there is a risk you will do it again. I know that sounds harsh but that is just how I see it.

I hope Dave is really forgiving. And I wish you guys all the best.

Post # 57
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I understand the well intentions behind wanting to come clean and be honest etc, but lets be realistic here.

If OP tells her man, it will likely be the end of her relationship. ALL trust will be gone, forever. Without trust, you have nothing.

SO…she is saying that she wants to marry this guy and be with him. So that being said, why would you risk ending the relationship by telling him? If you’re sure there’s NO WAY he could find out, then keep it tucked away in your subconscious as a HUGE mistake that you will never repeat.

But if there IS a chance he may find out down the line from someone else, then yes, tell him. BUT it will be a relationship ender.

And as for the question about the hall pass? That would be a completely misguided solution to anything. You giving him a hall pass wont justify or fix anything in his mind, because you’re still making the suggestion as a result of your cheating.

So as far as im concerned…if you want to stay with this man, he can never know and you need to vow to never make this mistake again.

Post # 58
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

WTF!! You cheated on him and your way of resolving this is to ‘ allow ‘ him to cheat in return?! Are you a character in a badly written piece of teenage fiction?

There is no way you are ready for marriage with this man or anyone else if this honestly seems like anything other than a repulsive idea. In fact, nevermind marriage, you’re not ready for a pet goldfish.

 

Post # 59
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

Gina84:  Won’t pretend I can tell you what to do. I would have a hard time carrying that secret. It is ultimately up to you, but please keep his feelings in mind.

Post # 60
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

You have to tell him. He deserves the right to choose to leave or stay with someone who has cheated on him.

Don’t offer a hall pass, that’s just immature and shows how little you actually value your relationship.

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