(Closed) Should I give him a hall pass?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

I am seriously appalled by the number of people telling this girl not to come clean. Yes, it will ruin their relationship. Yes, he will probably never trust her again. Only telling him if he’ll eventually find out is so completely fucked up. The OP lost all ability to have a say in her future with this man when she mounted a stranger. She needs to tell him. He deserves to know. Period. My god, I thought we were all adults here but apparently I was wrong. 

Post # 62
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should tell him the truth.

I also would respectfully suggest that you look into counseling to find out why you did this, because I don’t really believe this was random or mysterious. I think you need to find out why, when you were in the moment, you thought it was OK to let things escalate to a point where you ended up sleeping with a stranger. If I sound like I’m judging you, I apologize for that because I am trying not to sound judgmental.

Also too, counseling might help you figure out what you really want in life. Because right now you sound very confused. Your words (I love him and want to marry him) and your actions (having a one-nighter with a stranger) are not matching up. 

And I guess I don’t understand the hall pass idea at all. If someone cheated on me, I might be willing to work it out with them. But if they offered me a hall pass, I would definitely leave. Ask yourself what you want out of your relationship and (eventual) marriage, whether with this guy or someone else. Do you really want a relationship where hall passes are even on the radar? If you’re in a loving, adult/mature relationship, that kind of language shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary. I find it sad that you would even think of that. You’re so close to the situation that you probably don’t realize how odd that is. Counseling would help to give you some perspective.

Good luck, and I hope you find it within yourself to be honest with your boyfriend. 

Post # 63
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

ilovebacon:  +1,000,000

OP: At this point, if you don’t come clean, your relationship will probably continue but its existence will rest on a lie. I don’t think that’s acceptable or fair to do to your partner. 

I’m sorry, but I don’t think that any relationship should be built on deceit, especially not one that could result in a marriage. If my Fiance cheated on me, now or ever, he knows that would be an automatic end to our relationship as I have very strong beliefs regarding monogamy and commitment (these may not be shared by everyone – no judgment); I need to be with someone who shares those beliefs and can consistently demonstrate that he shares my values on that.

Also, not telling him is the same as lying by omission. The truth is that you cheated on him. Letting him live in ignorance is just as cruel as being honest but at least telling him what you’ve done keeps you from being a liar as well. 

As for the hall pass thing, please get that notion out of your mind! From where I’m standing, if I received such an offer, I’d slap my Fiance in my face. If he said I’d earned a hall pass to cheat, I’d assume that: 1) clearly he didn’t care about our relationship when he cheated on me and 2) he DEFINITELY doesn’t care now if he thinks that me cheating on him will even out the score.

I hate to be rude, but your line of logical reasoning sounds frightfully immature. I strongly advise that you don’t enter into a marriage believing that tit-for-tat is ever the way to go with a partner. I also encourage you to fess up to your mistakes and maybe consider how much you drink/the friends you hang out with/the situations that you put yourself in that you’d be able to end up sleeping with a stranger and not know how it happened. Also, I hope that you get tested as hook ups are risky and your Fiance has a right to be protected against risk.

Post # 64
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Gina84:  one of the key parts to a successful relationship is trust. you have to tell him. i would not give him a hall pass because 2 wrongs don’t make a right, but I would let him make the decision as to what he wants to do, continue the relationship or walk away. 

 

Post # 66
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee

Had it just been a kiss and/or a fumble inthe dark I would say don’t tell, but this is flat out cheating and disrespecting the man you thought would be the “one”.

You should absolutely tell him.He has a right to know how little you valued the relationship while you two were apart.

And I hope you were careful whie you were cheating–or that you’ve been checked out for stds.

Post # 67
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

This is the first time that I heard the term “hall pass” used to mean anything other than allowing very young grade school children to leave the classroom.  I actually had to read the comments to understand what you meant.  Are you kidding?  Are you and your SO teenagers?  A hall pass?  Serious growing up required.

Post # 68
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

ashley.nivens.7:  if she tells him it’ll be the end of her relationship? Maybe she should’ve thought about that before getting into bed with another man. So by lying to him she’s preventing the loss of trust in their relationship? Hahaha. 

Your rational is flawed.  

Post # 69
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Gina84:  i think you need to tell him what you did, and deal with the consequences of your actions. a hall pass is the dumbest way to handle it. “hey i cheated on you, you can cheat on me if you want so we’re even.” ??? good idea EXCEPT he probably thinks cheating is wrong so why would he do that to you? why would you want him to?

come clean, apologize, and figure out a constructive way to move forward whether it’s together or apart.

Post # 70
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper

sassy411:  How is that helpful to her potential husband?  You’re telling her it’s okay that she cheated on her SO becuase it is a one time thing.  It’s never a one time thing.  That’s like saying you’re only going to eat one chip.  It’s sad that you think this is the appropriate reponse to someone cheating in their relationship.  I guess if your SO cheated, you’d want this to be the same response for you?

Post # 71
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

All other aspects of this situation aside, I sure hope you have had a thorough STD test. Because if you gave your SO something after cheating on him and lying about it, that would be completely despicable.

Post # 72
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I will be eagerly awaiting the moment you come back with an update and tell us how the “hallpass” worked out. Because, as we all know, that will make the situation ok and Dave will handle it better. Please.

Post # 73
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would be honest with him but I wouldn’t offer him a “hall pass.”  

Post # 74
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

ilovebacon:  My point is that SHE’S the one who cheated, so SHE’S the one who should have to live with the guilt.  Telling him only makes HER feel better for clearing her guilty conscience, and frankly I don’t think she’s allowed to feel better.  

Post # 75
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Definitely tell him, he deserves to know. Definitely do NOT offer him a hall pass. If my husband told me he cheated on me and I was considering staying with him, him offering me a chance to cheat myself would prove even further just how little he respected me and our relationship. That is a horrible idea.

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