(Closed) Should I give him a hall pass?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
12298 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You want my advice? Break up with him. I’m not saying this in a sarcastic or judgmental way.  You are obviously not ready for a committed relationship. Until you work on yourself, which may involve time, maturity, dating others, or counseling, and come to understand why you did what you did, you are in no way ready to settle down with anyone.

I think you need to ask yourself what was missing in your relationship or in yourself. It’s not fair to either one of you to move forward at this time.  You aren’t ready and he deserves more.

Until you understand why this happened, the way I see it, either way there’s very little chance of a healthy or successful relationship growing out of all this.  But if you come clean, admit that you are confused, not ready for a committed relationship, and need a break to work on yourself, who knows?  Maybe there could be a new beginning down the road. 

Post # 77
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

So you disrespect me by cheating and THEN you take away my option to choose the type of relationship I want by omitting such a HUGE factor? 

HELL NO!!!

Confessing isn’t sharing guilt and transferring it to the other person. The guilt can never be shared, it is all YOURS. You’ve already disrespected him, but don’t treat him like an idiot also. 

 

And don’t be mistaken…confessiong doesn’t end a relationship. The cheating did that. 

Post # 78
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

oneofthesethings:  Yes she should feel guilty, but I fail to see how not telling him achieves anything other than him not having the opportunity to decide whether to stay with her or to move on and find someone that doesn’t accidentally sleep with other people.

Post # 79
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Gina84:  I’ve been the Dave. My ex had a 1 night stand after 3 years with me. I broke up with him because you don’t have 1 night stands in happy relationships. Congrats. 

Post # 80
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

did you make the guy wear a condom at least? Even if he did, what if he gave you something and you pass it along to  your SO? Condoms aren’t 100% effective. IF you’re mature enough to have sex, you’re mature enough to deal with the consequences. In this case, those consequences are the betrayal of your SO and your moral and ethical responsibility to tell him. It’s amazing that it’s necessary to say this to grown ass men and women. I don’t know if OP has weighed in on whether or not she’s going to tell him or not, but we learn this stuff in sex ed and when we first learn about the birds and the bees…. sex can have consequences. You can’t just pretend that you’re only hurting yourself by “shouldering the weight of the guilt” here. Right now he thinks the OP is someone she’s not. Their relationship is a complete lie until she comes clean. 

Post # 81
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I do think you should tell him, but I don’t agree that cheating always ends a relationship.  I don’t have a crystal ball and don’t know if it will in this case, but I do believe he should have all the facts before marrying you.

Post # 82
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Gina84:  You need to tell him, especially if you actually slept with another man, which is what it sounds like. There is no doubt about that-he deserves to know. I hate to be rude, and I apologize if I am, but you cheated on him. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if you were drunk, or anything of the like-that doesn’t justify what you did. 

I’m also NOT going to say what you did is okay, or not wrong, because that would be lying. You need to tell him-he trusts you, and you broke his trust. But by not telling him, you’re just breaking it again. Believe me when I say, if you don’t tell him (not only is that WRONG, and a really foul move) but he will find out. One way or another, it will get around to him, and he’ll find out. But you shouldn’t tell him because you’re ‘afraid’ of him finding out. You should tell him because you owe it to him, as his girlfriend, to be honest. You need to tell him that you cheated on him. It doesn’t matter if it was a kiss-it is still cheating. 

Once you tell him (which I hope to God you to, otherwise people here might think very little of you) then the ball is in his court. HE gets to decide what happens next. He gets to decide if he can ever trust you again, and he gets to decide if he wants to stay with you. Be prepared for either him leaving or staying-all people react differently to cheating. You messed up, and there is no one to blame but yourself. Try and have SOME respect for him and tell him. 

 

Sorry if I’m rude-I’ve been cheated on. I know what it’s like to be on the other side of this situation, and I found out my ex had cheated and did not tell me. Needless to say, he’s old news, and I don’t sit well with cheaters.

Do not offer him a hallpass-that is a slap in the face, and attempting to make up for what you did. You cannot make up for what you did.

Post # 83
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

oneofthesethings:  Actually, I think if the OP tells her SO that she was unfaithful and is ultimately dumped for having cheated on him, then she won’t be feeling “better” at all. She will not only feel guilty but also maybe learn that consequences come with acting the way that she did. It could be the wake up call she needs. 

I also think that it’s morally reprehensible that people think it’s alright to lie and lie by omission about things like this, sheesh. If you can lie about something this huge and think it’s okay, is lying in general alright? After all, all truths have the potential to hurt someone.

And I’ll say it again: OP, please get tested. 

Post # 84
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

oneofthesethings:  I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t agree. “Dave” deserves to know. Period. I’m sure there will be plenty of guilt to go around when she has to deal with the repercussions of her actions. She disrespected the man that she claims to love and want to marry. A successful marriage cannot be built on lies. She’s much better off coming clean now and hoping that he’s willing to work through it than carrying on with life as if nothing happened. It will come out eventually. It always does. 

Post # 85
Member
3790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I think you need to tell him. Let him decide where to go from here. I agree with PP, it’s not the confession that will damage this relationship, it’s the cheating. You have to be honest, if he loves you and truely believes that you wont do it again and you are the one for him, he may be able to work through it but you’ll have to be completely transparent. He also may choose to walk away, but that choice needs to be his, not yours. And if you offer a hall pass to a guy who “likely wont use it”, he’ll probably end things with you, it would be making a really bad situation even worse.   

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