(Closed) Should I give up? I mean seriously….

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Have you two actually talked about it? Does he know how you feel?

Men aren’t the best at emotional intelligence…

…in fact, most of the time, they suck at it.

So, what could be bothering a woman for years could go unawares to them. He might be under the impression that you’re completely happy if you haven’t discussed it with him.

Post # 6
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well, if you don’t actually say something, you can’t really expect him to know what you’re thinking.  He might be guessing that you want a really expensive ring, or a certain type of wedding, or other things that he can’t afford or provide for you.  You have to say it out loud and be direct so that there’s no confusion or miscommunication or guesswork about it.  Then let him voice what his desires are to see if you both are on the same page.  Communication is key in relationships.

It also sounds like you’re very focused on the wedding itself.  Have you sat down by yourself and thought it through and asked yourself… do you want a wedding or a marriage?  They are two different things, and you absolutely need to know that before you start talking to him about it all.  He appears to be committed to you and your daughter, but that doesn’t seem enough for you.  So I think the first step is to determine what exactly is bothering you the most (wanting a wedding or a marriage) and then work on your communication with him.

Post # 7
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@pmmak:  Discussing your needs with him is not the same as proposing to him and forcing his hand. You already have a daughter together, and share finances, so this conversation is something that needs to happen for you, yes?

Just bring it up again in a non-confrontational manner:

“You know honey, I really love you and I’m so proud of the family that we have built together, but I really would be estatic if we took our relationship a step further. I think it’s time for this progression. What do you think of this?”

If he says “Yes, I’d love to get married to you,” then say,

“I’m so happy you feel the same way I do. The timeline I was thinking is ______, and if it’s alright with you, it would really make me happy if you get my parents involved.”

He may feel as if since you already had a child together, asking your parents is not necessary, but it’s a start. But waiting for him to read your mind isn’t going to get anything done. Sitting him down and having a calm conversation about where you’d like your relationship to go will get the ball rolling for you.

Post # 8
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I get what you’re saying. In a perfect world, he’d think about marriage the same way you do and go out on his own and ask you. Unfortunately a lot of guys are just not like that. To get past this, you have to stop thinking about what you should and shouldn’t have to ask for and start thinking about how you and he can work together to make you both happy. Talking about it doesn’t mean forcing him or taking the proposal away from him. It can be as simple as saying “Marriage is really important to me. I want to be married to you. When do you think that might happen?” He should be able to tell you whether he also wants marriage and give you a reasonable timeline for getting engaged. If he gives you a timeline, he will still have the freedom to get a ring and plan a proposal during that time.

Post # 9
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

ultimatums seem to make people upset and angry – its a bit of a manipulation game.  but i’d be honest with him and tell him how you feel.  at least if you ask you’ll know.  you don’t have to corner him and say are you marrying me or not.  but you can say “i really love you and i want this to be for the rest of our lives, its important to me to be married” or “for the sake of our daughter i’d like to be a married couple”…  you can bring it up without it being too heavy.

what is it that you’re embarassed about?  wanting to be married?  or fear of rejection?  you’ll feel wayyyy better if you just talk to him.  have a heart to heart.  you don’t have to bring it up ten times, just once should get your point across, right?

Post # 10
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Sit him down and talk about it. It will bode well for the logevity of your relationship. Especially if he has to be led into things, just talk to him. Especially if you have a child and have not had a real converation about it before, it wont be pestering.

Post # 11
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I personally believe that you can’t force a person to do anything.  Sitting down and telling him your timeline or exactly what you want is NOT forcing him.  He can always say “no” and live with the consequences.

Forcing him would be holding a gun to his head.

Post # 12
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

I think you should give up on getting him to read your mind and an unrealistic fairy tale happening.

Just tell him you want to get married, for the sake of your family and because you love him and your daughter. If the pattern in your relationship is that you are the decision maker and he happily follows, why would this be different?

A lot of ladies would argue (myself included), that you’ll be a lot happier setting a timeline together and choosing a ring together. 

 

Post # 13
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I had been with Fiance for almost 4 years when I proposed to him.  I had been waiting, hoping he would propose but it never happened.  Then we were moving apart for a year to do internships in different states and I proposed to him.  He said it wasn’t romantic and there was no ring, but I told him I didn’t need to whole fantasy propsal to be engaged,  and then he proposed back!  There is still no ring, I have a moissanite one picked out but between two intern salaries and vet school loans it is still a lot to pay.  Do you think he would be the kind of guy that would be ok with you proposing to him?

Post # 14
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If I were you…yes, I’d definitely approach the subject in a non-threatening way, and just talk about what your expectations are for the future. I know there is a lot more to your post than this, but you do come off as focusing too much on the wedding rather than the marriage – I’d back it up a bit, and really discuss the long term goals you have for yourselves. I’d consider doing premarital/ preengagment counselling now and really take a moment to communicate with each other before the ring is on your finger (it’s a lot less pressure to figure out the important aspect of your relationship while you aren’t planning for a wedding). Relationships are about communication which is a two way street, so I’d go all in and see how he reacts. 

Post # 15
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I agree with a lot of other posters- there isn’t anything wrong with communicating with your SO about your future. Asking him about it isn’t the same thing as forcing him or giving him an ultimatum. Take a little control over your own future and talk about it. Just make sure you talk about the marriage more than the wedding. Make sure he knows you want to spend the rest of your life with him and that’s more important than a big party. 

Post # 16
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes, you do need to talk to him. Preferably without ultimatiums.

As for not having a white dress or veil – what the heck ever gave you that idea! If you check around this site, there are plenty of brides in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s wearing traditional wedding gowns and veils. Encore brides do too. It’s not the 1950s any more.

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