(Closed) Should I go back to him?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

I think you did the right thing by calling it off, and I think you will continue to do the right thing by not seeing this person again.  I know it’s hard but I just don’t see how this is the right person for you.

Post # 4
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Since drugs and another woman are involved I say you did the right thing. Stay far far away.

Post # 5
3174 posts
Sugar bee

Since when do you have to convince someone that the relationship will work? Him saying that you need to convince him that the two of you would work is a huge red flag to me. You need to stay far away from him and lose all contact with him. Hang out with friends and family and turn off your phone if you have to. Good luck

Post # 6
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I think it’s easier for you to find someone who meets your qualifications (not doing drugs, not lying about ex girlfriends, of a certain faith) than it is for you to force this guy into pigeon holes. 

Also, he’s belittling your faith? What’s that about? Anyone who loves and respects you would never do that. 

I know it’s easy to miss what you don’t have anymore, but once you find something BETTER, you’ll never look back. 

Post # 7
1264 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You should never have to “convince” someone to love you or be with you. I can imagine how incredibly difficult this must be and how much you must be hurting, however, I truly believe that sometimes you have to go through short term heart break for long term happiness. Look for that special someone who loves you because all your quirks and flaws, not in spite of them.

Post # 8
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you need to start focusing on the reasons you broke off the relationship – he was taking drugs (and lying to you about it), he was seeing an ex which you weren’t comfortable with (and lying about it) and, as soon as the relationship was over, he jumped straight into a new one with someone else. Does that sound like the behaviour of someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with??

I know he was great sometimes, but that doesn’t mean he’s the only guy in the world. Most men can be romantic, take care of you, and agree to raise children in your faith – those are all great things but, taken with all his negative traits, he really doesn’t seem like such a great catch to me. Maybe if the things he had done wrong were minor transgressions, it would be another story, but those things are pretty bad by any standard.

Post # 9
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Its time to leave. And its time fore Girl time. Get online if you want there are some great sites out there for friends and even SOs. I found my Fiance online! (pof.com) there are freeones like okcupid and of course match.com but in this case I think you need to move on. He is nothing but bad news and one day he will realize you were the one that got away. Thats what you need to be though- the one that got away.

Post # 11
4073 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m a big believer in never going back.  We break up with people for a reason, those reasons rarely go away.

I came to this conclusion after experiencing it myself.  And I always advise friends to move on.

My ex was pretty toxic and after 4 years together I called it off. Now maybe it was because I was miserable and lonely when we were apart, or that other guys I dated we also losers but after a year we met up.  He was due to move to another country and this was a final goodbye.  And all the feelings resurfaced, we had some amazing sex too.  He never moved to the other country, but stayed with me and decided it would work.  We had plans to get married, have children.  When I expressed my doubts he would say “when xyz happens everything will be perfect”.  Well, I didn’t want to wait for life to begin.  I wanted to be in it.  I tried talking to him, but he just heard what he wanted to hear.  He would talk the talk and romance me.  And when that didn’t work: he would tell my that no one would love me except him because I am psycho.  All of this was control.  One day, a year after we rekindled something, I left.  He didn’t want to talk and I wanted out.

Hardest thing I ever did, but best thing I ever did.  Took me years to finally shake off his mark on me.

Being with SO is such a contrast.  He loves me in a way that is indescribable.  It is unconditional.  And there’s nothing to doubt.

Post # 12
11351 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I completely agree that you did the right thing, no matter how much you may be second-guessing yourself right now. 

What you’re currently experiencing  — missing the good things about your former Fiance, feeling the absence of the relationship, grieving over what didn’t happen and what might have been — is very normal, however.  Yet, all of those feelings, no matter HOW strong they are or how long they seem to last, do NOT mean that you should have stayed with your former Fiance. 

It will take time, perhaps a lot of it, for you to get over all that has transpired. However, time will begin to help heal those wounds, and you will come out of all of this a much stronger person, a person who knows much more about herself and what she is seeking in a potential future mate.

Don’t ever move forward in an unhealthy relationship, while hoping that major, unresolved issues will somehow resolve themselves later, and don’t ever settle for something you know is not good for you simply because it’s all that you know, and the void that it left is causing you pain. 


Post # 13
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you already know the answer in your heart, then you know what you have to do, as sad as it may be.  I’m sorry you have to go through this, but there is someone out there for you much better than this.  What would you want anyway with a man who you KNOW is still in love with someone else and flat-out TOLD you that his mind is only going to be on his ex?  At least he’s been honest enough to tell you upfront how it’s going to be and it’s not a pretty picture at all (I’m sorry but I don’t see how you two could ever possibly be happy together under these circumstances!), so you really need to heed his warning and not put yourself through the misery of being involved in a hopeless love triangle.  Let him have his ex if he loves her so much and find yourself a man who will have no room for any other woman in his mind or his heart except you!  You will save yourself SO much heartache later if you let this man go now and find someone else who will be more focused on you.  You deserve a man who is devoted to you and ONLY you!

As for this stuff about him wanting you to convince him that you two can work out, it sounds to me like he only wants to see how hard you’d work to hold onto him, and I wouldn’t stroke his ego that way.  Sure, all relationships take hard work, and some relationships require more work than others, but beware of relationships which require more work than they’re actually worth.  Every relationship is going to have hard times for the couple to work through together, but this should only happen SOMETIMES, not most or even half of the time!  Sometimes there’s just too many things going wrong in a relationship to be able to work them all out, and what good is it to be in a relationship that you have to struggle so much to hold onto?  I think you did the right thing by calling this off and I wish all the best for you.  I hope you find someone who makes you happier.

Post # 14
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Im curious, how old are you both?

Post # 15
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Sweetheart, you decided what you would/would not put up with in a relationship.  Your dealbreakers were the pot and the ex….it doesn’t seem like he is gonna change that.  YOU made the right decision.  I do wonder if you feel like you didn’t get enough closure on the break up and that is what is making you miss him.

Personally, if my man said he’d quit contacting his ex out of force but that he’d still be thinking about her….I’d have some major issues with that.  YOU deserve better….and better will come along one day, I promise!

Post # 16
225 posts
Helper bee

You already know he is not going to change who he is and what he does. You met him as a pot smoker and he is not going to change that. If you are not okay with that the relationship won’t work. You already know the answer– you mentioned yourself that you can’t change someone.


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