(Closed) Should I go through with it?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It doesnt matter if you have the dress, the photographer…thats just ONE day…your whole life is w/ him…can you do it forever?  People dont change…sorry & you nee dto get out now. You sai dyou got in the vehicl ew/ him & he wouldnt let you call a cab?  Why is he ruling you?  RUN. CALL. Ditch him, sorry. This is harsh & I know its tough but I am tryin to help you out so you dont make a HUGE mistake!!!!!!!  Once you’re married……you are MARRIED. Life doesnt get better, trust me!  Hardships come upon your life & you have to know you guys can get through them…. & him putting your life in danger & hitting the ditch. NO. WAY>

Post # 93
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You said after your childhood experiences you wouldn’t want your children to experience what you experienced…well, if you stay, they 100% will.

Post # 94
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It actually hurt to read he threw your dog at you.  And drives drunk at speeds of 110 mph.  He appears to have a blatant disregard for all life and is trying purposefully to cause pain.  Alcohol infused or not, this is alarming to say the least.

I will tell you this:  if you were my sister, I would be banging down your door and moving you out of there myself.

I hope you find the courage to leave!  You (and your dogs) deserve a safe, happy home with a wonderful man who protects and loves you. 

Post # 95
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

 

View original reply
@MsMonkey: A drinking problem can become as big as any other drug addiction, I speak for my personal experience. I love your words and I also recommend our friend

@kesskess to research for Alanon, which is a free 12 step program meeting to help family to deal with the alcoholics we love. you will find lots of ladies who have been through the same experience, and hear people who decided to marry those alcoholics and succeeded and some cases of people who didn’t.

The point is: your fiancé will only get better if he looks for help, and feel its necessary.

 

i personally think that if you really love this man, there are some ways you can attempt to fix your relationship. if he is worth it and only if he sees that he is hurting the ones he loveits but if the problem continues, Iwill concur with all the other bees above and tell you that you should leave him.  just understand that it’s NOT your fault and that you don’t have to let this man hurt you only because he is a good man to you for 90% of the time.

Post # 96
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t have a ton to add – I think that when your safty is involved, you have the right to get help and support. Period. Along with encouraging him to go to AA, you might want to consider going to a support group yourself: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I’m currently dealing with someone close to me who has a drinking and substance problem, and it’s a horrible thing to go through – especially when you just want a happy wedding and a happily ever after. I do wish you all the best as you try to determine how to handle this.

Post # 97
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

View original reply
@MsMonkey:  So, so true.  Thank you for contributing that analogy. 

Post # 98
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Everyone has given you great advice. But I think you need to get into therapy (whether you stay or leave) and figure out why you think this is acceptable behavior. Obviouly there are things about your own childhood that are playing out here. There is something about yourself that makes you feel that good most of time is good enough. But one act of disrespect is enough to leave. 

I had a boyfriend (of over a year) in the heat of an argument call me a bitch. I got icy cold (argument stopped dead in its tracks) and told him to never, ever call me a bitch ever again. He tried to back track and say it was just a word and he didn’t mean it. I looked him dead in the eye and repeated, ‘don’t ever call me a bitch again’.  And I meant it. I thought about getting out of the truck and walking the 5-10 miles home, but decided that it was the first time he did it and I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. But if he ever did it again, I would have and broken up with him on the spot. Be mad at me, yell about stuff, but don’t ever, ever be disrespectful.  (As a side note- have a friend who married a guy who calls her all kinds of nasty things (bitch, whore, c**t) when they fight. She tells him to stop, but she stays (and had a kid with him) and he still uses those words…and he wonders why she never wants to have sex with him). 

Even if you decide to stay with him, you need to not live with him while he gets help. You both need the space to deal with internal changes and growth without the pressure of living together.

Good luck, whatever your decision, it will be hard.

Post # 99
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Most abusers are “great most of the time.” It’s just those few times where they terrify and hurt people that they aren’t. I wouldn’t stand for a moment of fear caused by my husband, ever. Your husband should be your protector from people that cause you pain and fear. If you marry this guy, who will protect you from him? It’s simply not OK and it doesn’t matter how much you love him, sometimes love just isn’t enough. Get out please. It won’t work and you can save yourself a lot of future heartache and danger if you go through the pain of calling it off now.

Post # 100
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m sure he can be a nice guy too. That’s the problem with abusive men. They are not always jerks. That’s why you don’t want to leave him. But you have to.

I dated a guy like this for years. It slowly escalated to a point where he punched holes right through a door trying to get to me (I don’t know what would have happened had he succeeded), and he actually tried to kill me by driving into a tree. Yeah. And I still didn’t leave him.

When I look back, I can’t believe I stuck around. So take it from someone who has been there.

I’m sure you’ll have a wedding with someone who actually deserves you. Don’t settle for this.

Post # 101
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Postpone or cancel. He is great most of the time sure, but then again when he drinks he is not. That means there is an issue there. Most people can have one or two and stop he doesnt sound like one of those people and you say he is mean when he is drunk. Sounds to me like he is more abusive! This is not healthy… Im sorry but did you say you got into a car with him one time because he wouldnt let you call a cab?? Are you asking for trouble! You dont need to put yourself in that situation. Please dont bring children into this world with him. If he is mean to your dogs and to you when he loves you dont take the chance with children. Thats really all I have to say besdies that I am so sorry that you are going through this right now.

Post # 103
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

View original reply
@kesskess:  Yay!!!!  Cheering for you!!  Leaving was the beginning of everything for me.  Sometimes it was difficult, but it was always freedom… and always worth it.  🙂 

Post # 104
Member
3165 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@kesskess: hell yes you did the right thing – mega congratulations for making the best decision for your future. we’re here whenever you need support! <3

Post # 105
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m super proud of you for leaving ; )

Post # 106
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Congratulations kesskess.  You did the right thing.

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